Bury My Heart in Colorado
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "One Heartbeat From Heaven"Paul seeks truth over death of soulmate.
9 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
"One Heartbeat From Heaven" give an alert beginning for a story that seems to point in more than one direction. Description of the scene is clear and so are scary possibilities to come. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
  |
"One Heartbeat From Heaven" give an alert beginning for a story that seems to point in more than one direction. Description of the scene is clear and so are scary possibilities to come. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
You are blessing to have as a reviewer who is honest and kind as the days are long.
Comment from Fleedleflump
I like the opening, having us learn a little of what's happening at the same time as Paul. Solid PoV (always a relief) and an engaging subject help. Colour me intrigued :-)
Mike
Spag notes:
I realise the opening line is a thought, and hence in present tense, but is that true of the second paragraph too? I ask because you then switch to past. Suggest putting them in italics if they are all thought.
'"You are in Syracuse hospital. He's dressed in white' - missing speech marks after 'hospital.'
'Other voices echoed his words and nodded.' - logic break - not sure I've ever seen a voice nod.
'Pieces of my puzzled memory form the picture' - 'form' should be 'formed'
' No...No...! I...I need to see her!"' - missing speech mark from start.
|
I like the opening, having us learn a little of what's happening at the same time as Paul. Solid PoV (always a relief) and an engaging subject help. Colour me intrigued :-)
Mike
Spag notes:
I realise the opening line is a thought, and hence in present tense, but is that true of the second paragraph too? I ask because you then switch to past. Suggest putting them in italics if they are all thought.
'"You are in Syracuse hospital. He's dressed in white' - missing speech marks after 'hospital.'
'Other voices echoed his words and nodded.' - logic break - not sure I've ever seen a voice nod.
'Pieces of my puzzled memory form the picture' - 'form' should be 'formed'
' No...No...! I...I need to see her!"' - missing speech mark from start.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
Comment from Shirley McLain
An excellent story and extremely tension filled. I could almost feel the guys agony in fighting the restraints and wanting to find out about his girlfriend. You did a great job. Have a wonderful evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
An excellent story and extremely tension filled. I could almost feel the guys agony in fighting the restraints and wanting to find out about his girlfriend. You did a great job. Have a wonderful evening. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks again too for this well-thought-out review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
you've introduced some could tension and jeopardy well into this opening salvo. t would be intriguing to see where it goes.
"You are in Syracuse hospital.- need closing speech marks here.
He's dressed in white, but he's not Jesus.- the Jesus reference is redundant as he's already introduced himself himself earlier as Dr Patel.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
Hi there,
you've introduced some could tension and jeopardy well into this opening salvo. t would be intriguing to see where it goes.
"You are in Syracuse hospital.- need closing speech marks here.
He's dressed in white, but he's not Jesus.- the Jesus reference is redundant as he's already introduced himself himself earlier as Dr Patel.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 22-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks so much. I know you often offer good help for people like me who are not the best self-editors. Blessings.
Comment from lyenochka
Good to see you back! This is a terrific opening! Very realistic - brain injuriy patients are tied up and so it can be scary. I wonder if you have to put it in the Horror category as that might deter some reviewers.
I really liked "He's dressed in white, but he's not Jesus."
Where's my fiance? Is...is she okay?" (fiancee) since she's female.
Just FYI: I'm not sure why but there is a really a LOT of blank lines between the end of the story and the place for the notes. You might want to delete those.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
Good to see you back! This is a terrific opening! Very realistic - brain injuriy patients are tied up and so it can be scary. I wonder if you have to put it in the Horror category as that might deter some reviewers.
I really liked "He's dressed in white, but he's not Jesus."
Where's my fiance? Is...is she okay?" (fiancee) since she's female.
Just FYI: I'm not sure why but there is a really a LOT of blank lines between the end of the story and the place for the notes. You might want to delete those.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
So true on fiancee. Can't believe I had that wrong. I'm not the best self-editor. Appreciate you.
-
No worries. I can say it from French grammar but perhaps it's not followed as much in English anymore.
Comment from amahra
Glad I'm starting at the beginning. Reads like it'll be an interesting story.
Someone else poked a needle in my thigh. I went limp. I tried to speak, but I mumbled words as if my lips were made from rubber. Hands pressed me down. My body caved. My eyes folded into the abyss of darkness where nothing matters. [This introduction ending was great. I loved the imagery.]
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
Glad I'm starting at the beginning. Reads like it'll be an interesting story.
Someone else poked a needle in my thigh. I went limp. I tried to speak, but I mumbled words as if my lips were made from rubber. Hands pressed me down. My body caved. My eyes folded into the abyss of darkness where nothing matters. [This introduction ending was great. I loved the imagery.]
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks again for having you to share with all these years. I will get back to reviewing you too. I took a sabbatical from fanstory but not from writing all together. Blessings ahead!
Comment from BethShelby
I think you did a good job of breathing life into the storyline. I'd like to read more of it although you have it listed has horror, thriller. In that state of semi-consciousness I would imagine it would be horror. I don't know if the fiancé is alive but it sounds like she didn't make it. Good writing.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
I think you did a good job of breathing life into the storyline. I'd like to read more of it although you have it listed has horror, thriller. In that state of semi-consciousness I would imagine it would be horror. I don't know if the fiancé is alive but it sounds like she didn't make it. Good writing.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks for this too Beth.
Comment from jessizero
I really enjoyed reading this story! It could stand on its own, but I would love to read more if you decide to do it. Thank you for sharing this here, and best wishes to you!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
I really enjoyed reading this story! It could stand on its own, but I would love to read more if you decide to do it. Thank you for sharing this here, and best wishes to you!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks! Always good to hear from someone I've not met. I've been around this site for a while now, like old gum, they can't peel away.
Comment from royowen
I think one would feel rather helpless under those restraints, I've never been there, but I've seen them going on, albeit in a TV doco, this is obviously a new story series, it sounds great, but then, you're a good writer, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
|
I think one would feel rather helpless under those restraints, I've never been there, but I've seen them going on, albeit in a TV doco, this is obviously a new story series, it sounds great, but then, you're a good writer, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 21-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2022
-
Thanks also for this. Blessings.
-
Most welcome
