Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Calm before the storm "From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from jp88
Hello,
this is the second chapter of your book I've come across, and I immediately remembered the first - which is a good sign for the memorability of your writing. I enjoyed this chapter as well, you're doing a good job mixing dialogue with information, so it doesn't sound boring. There were a few typos in there, and a potential mixup with capitalisation, I hope this helps:
"This, Bloody Bear" - I believe the comma is not necessary. Also, if the name (or nickname) of that person is Bloody Bear, then the capital B is fine, if bloody is used as a curse word and his name (nickname) is Bear it would be "bloody Bear", if he's just called a bear because he looks like one, it should be "bloody bear". The capitalisations are a pain sometimes.
"and take this Bears head" - If I am not mistaken that is a possessive, so should be this Bear's head?
"Across for us" should be "Across from us"?
Good luck with your writing!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2022
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Hello,
this is the second chapter of your book I've come across, and I immediately remembered the first - which is a good sign for the memorability of your writing. I enjoyed this chapter as well, you're doing a good job mixing dialogue with information, so it doesn't sound boring. There were a few typos in there, and a potential mixup with capitalisation, I hope this helps:
"This, Bloody Bear" - I believe the comma is not necessary. Also, if the name (or nickname) of that person is Bloody Bear, then the capital B is fine, if bloody is used as a curse word and his name (nickname) is Bear it would be "bloody Bear", if he's just called a bear because he looks like one, it should be "bloody bear". The capitalisations are a pain sometimes.
"and take this Bears head" - If I am not mistaken that is a possessive, so should be this Bear's head?
"Across for us" should be "Across from us"?
Good luck with your writing!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2022
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Thank you for your feedback jp88. I do two chapters a month so tuned.
Comment from Fleedleflump
I love your final line of dialogue - it's got an appropriate fantasy/battle/honour feel to it. This is an interesting scene with plenty of emotions ebbing and flowing as the tense conversation continues.
You occasionally break PoV by telling us how other characters are feeling - it's pretty minor, but worth being aware of. Also, more specific notes below.
Mike
Spag notes:
'Armor glinting in the pale torch light. Lord Titus inspects the tent.' - should be one sentence, so comma after 'light'.
'An expression of disgust pours off of him' - 'off of' is a redundancy - 'off' works fine on its own, or 'from' could work instead.
'"Iona! Why is the priestess here?" he demands.' - the tag isn't needed because you introduce his speech in the paragraph before, so we know it's him speaking, and the 'spitting coals' shows us his tone, so there's no need to tell us he's demanding.
'There's no harm in that? "She points to his armor' - speech marks meant to be after the ? rather than before 'She'
' this ramble you call an army.' - is 'ramble' meant to be 'rabble'?
'Furious at her defiance, he reaches for her. And swords are drawn' - the 'And' should be removed.
'"For what reason?" Titus asks' - missing full stop from end.
'"What would you do if the Northerners took your daughter Lord Titus? She stare' - missing speech marks after Titus?, and a comma after 'daughter'
'"Lord Titus, we don't have the men," I say' - missing full stop from end.
'"That is something to consider, Lord Titus." My Aunt says.' - should be a comma after Titus and lower case 'm; on 'my'
'If you are worried about her protection. I know someone.' - should be a comma in the middle instead of a full stop.
'Titus contemplates the idea, "Hmm...the' - should be a full stop after 'idea' rather than a comma.
'you're lucky I do not disown here and now, Tatanya' - missing a 'you' after 'disown'
'His point made his voice softens.' - needs a comma after 'made'
'"I'll have her ready within the hour, my Lord." My Aunt says.' - should be a comma after 'Lord' and lower case 'm' on 'my'
'drilling the point home. And I swallow the yelp' - the 'And' should be removed.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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I love your final line of dialogue - it's got an appropriate fantasy/battle/honour feel to it. This is an interesting scene with plenty of emotions ebbing and flowing as the tense conversation continues.
You occasionally break PoV by telling us how other characters are feeling - it's pretty minor, but worth being aware of. Also, more specific notes below.
Mike
Spag notes:
'Armor glinting in the pale torch light. Lord Titus inspects the tent.' - should be one sentence, so comma after 'light'.
'An expression of disgust pours off of him' - 'off of' is a redundancy - 'off' works fine on its own, or 'from' could work instead.
'"Iona! Why is the priestess here?" he demands.' - the tag isn't needed because you introduce his speech in the paragraph before, so we know it's him speaking, and the 'spitting coals' shows us his tone, so there's no need to tell us he's demanding.
'There's no harm in that? "She points to his armor' - speech marks meant to be after the ? rather than before 'She'
' this ramble you call an army.' - is 'ramble' meant to be 'rabble'?
'Furious at her defiance, he reaches for her. And swords are drawn' - the 'And' should be removed.
'"For what reason?" Titus asks' - missing full stop from end.
'"What would you do if the Northerners took your daughter Lord Titus? She stare' - missing speech marks after Titus?, and a comma after 'daughter'
'"Lord Titus, we don't have the men," I say' - missing full stop from end.
'"That is something to consider, Lord Titus." My Aunt says.' - should be a comma after Titus and lower case 'm; on 'my'
'If you are worried about her protection. I know someone.' - should be a comma in the middle instead of a full stop.
'Titus contemplates the idea, "Hmm...the' - should be a full stop after 'idea' rather than a comma.
'you're lucky I do not disown here and now, Tatanya' - missing a 'you' after 'disown'
'His point made his voice softens.' - needs a comma after 'made'
'"I'll have her ready within the hour, my Lord." My Aunt says.' - should be a comma after 'Lord' and lower case 'm' on 'my'
'drilling the point home. And I swallow the yelp' - the 'And' should be removed.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2022
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Thank you once again for your feedback Fleedeflump.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Liked: Your use of the present tense. It's difficult to handle throughout as you do, but when used well (as here) it allows the characters to be brought closest into focus. And the sudden, short shift to the past makes the reader pay close attention.
Disliked (not really, just like less): "Lord Titus, your land through this marriage is the only way to get these mercs to fight." Formulation not clear unless the reader has read (and remembered) previous chapters - posting and reading in series is tricky and needs to be borne in mind at all times.
Good writing. Kate xx
Potential SPAGs for your consideration:
disgust pouring off > Concordance. disgust pours off
ire and starts spitting > ire and he starts spitting
She offering prayers > She's offering prayers
Marching towards her, she > As he marches towards her, she
Runa glances > Runa glances up
drawn for their sheaths > drawn from their sheaths
two a playing > two are playing
do as your told > do as you're told
I have her ready > I'll have her ready
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2022
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Liked: Your use of the present tense. It's difficult to handle throughout as you do, but when used well (as here) it allows the characters to be brought closest into focus. And the sudden, short shift to the past makes the reader pay close attention.
Disliked (not really, just like less): "Lord Titus, your land through this marriage is the only way to get these mercs to fight." Formulation not clear unless the reader has read (and remembered) previous chapters - posting and reading in series is tricky and needs to be borne in mind at all times.
Good writing. Kate xx
Potential SPAGs for your consideration:
disgust pouring off > Concordance. disgust pours off
ire and starts spitting > ire and he starts spitting
She offering prayers > She's offering prayers
Marching towards her, she > As he marches towards her, she
Runa glances > Runa glances up
drawn for their sheaths > drawn from their sheaths
two a playing > two are playing
do as your told > do as you're told
I have her ready > I'll have her ready
Comment Written 19-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much for the feedback, Katherine. And for becoming a fan.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting part of your story that I suspect came before the part I read first. The line about Iona was a good one. I'm surprised she didn't throw something at him for suggesting he would MAKE her his mistress. Why not say what chapter each section is? This one certainly needs better proofreading. Lord Titus (introductory line has an error.) The last line of paragraph one has someone spitting coals (Huh?) resend should be rescind. . . It is a shame (I am not) twenty . . . (You are or you're) lucky I don't disown (Who?) . . . one final (glance). . . . leaves (barely) married. . .
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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This is an interesting part of your story that I suspect came before the part I read first. The line about Iona was a good one. I'm surprised she didn't throw something at him for suggesting he would MAKE her his mistress. Why not say what chapter each section is? This one certainly needs better proofreading. Lord Titus (introductory line has an error.) The last line of paragraph one has someone spitting coals (Huh?) resend should be rescind. . . It is a shame (I am not) twenty . . . (You are or you're) lucky I don't disown (Who?) . . . one final (glance). . . . leaves (barely) married. . .
Comment Written 18-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Thank you for the feedback, Carol. For clarification what do you mean by "Why not say what chapter each section is?" I'm confused by this.
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I'm not sure of the chapter so I can read them in order. That thing at the top has three numbers, so it isn't much help.
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Ah, I see. Aside from adding to my notes section, there isn't much else I can do.