FanStory.com - Reviews For The Return Chapter 29

Reviews from

The Return

Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "The Return Chapter 29"
Erotic Turmoil

40 total reviews

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi Sandra,

Almost there... again. I must stop getting behind. lol

this is getting very interesting.

I had a thought about a particular scene which I've detailed below.

Even in her invisible state, Bessie was much more than just a simple ghost. She had the ability to touch and hold whatever she wished. - I don't think this is needed here. Remember that the readers already know this information rom earlier in the book. Only two chapters ago she was wielding a poker.

dark, wiry brows together, reminding Margot of the bristle brush her mother used to clean the oven racks with. - that's nice. lol

I was looking at the mechanics of the scene here. In the previous chapter, we're told Margot crosses the room and sits on the sofa. Here she - Margot sat back on the sofa and crossed her legs, her eyes fixed on Gwendolyn.

Jenkins was originally behind her and Gwendolyn is beside him. When they turn to leave, Margot gets to the door before them - Margot got to the door first, and stood in front, barring the way.

The issue is with the placement in the room. if Margot is beyond them, sitting back on the sofa, could she actually have got up and crossed the room to pass them and bar their way? I don't think she could.

he made sure the solicitor had to look up to him. - I would use at rather up to him.

The colour had drained from Mr Crankston-Smythe's face as he led the way along the corridor- personally, I'd delete 'had' from this sentence. it makes it more direct.

All the best
G

Comment Written 28-Jul-2022

Comment from Begin Again

Exceptional

This work has reached the exceptional level

This has got to be a best seller my friend.... It is an awesome story and unfolds so smoothly and leaves the reader screaming for more when the chapter ends. I truly love every word of it. You put this lowly writer to shame but I don't care. It's just the best and it most definitely has placed a smile on my face.... something that hasn't happened in a long time.

Off to read the next chapter... i can't wait!

Love you as always, Carol

Comment Written 25-Jul-2022

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2022

You really are being so kind, Carol. You are a brilliant author, we all know that and we've all missed you. And because off that, I am so very humbled by what you've said about this story. Thank you so much, my dear friend! You have boosted my ego no end and I love you for it. :)) Sandra xxxxx

Comment from Cindy Decker 2

Excellent

Sandra,
I loved the scene in which Bessie had her fun. I was rooting for her and Margot.
This is such a great story, Sandra. You've created such fantastic round characters, and your story flows nicely.
Blessings for health and happiness,
Cindy

Comment Written 23-Jul-2022

reply by the author on 24-Jul-2022

I enjoy writing Bessie's part, I'm thinking of doing a series with her dashing from one century to another. I'm so pleased you like my characters, thanks, dear friend. Love and more hugs. :)) Sandra xx

Comment from judiverse

Exceptional

I am glad to read that you're feeling so much better. Gwendolyn and Jenkins don't show much remorse for what they've done. Margot lets them know she has the goods on them, and Bessie chips in and frightens them as the ghost of Gwendolyn's father. She really enjoys her act. Gwendolyn says Gwendolyn says there's no proof, but it's there. Miles is angry over what's been done to his father, and lets the attorney, Crankston-Smythe know it. He realizes how they've scammed his father. Great work, and I enjoyed it tremendously. judi

Comment Written 21-Jul-2022

reply by the author on 22-Jul-2022

Thank you so very much for this lovely review, Judi, and the golden star! I'm over the moon you enjoyed this part. I'm gradually drawing to the end, just a few more chapters. :))
I do feel a lot better, thanks, Judi. I know I'm still going to feel tired for a while, and I have to be careful with my ribs, but that will end. Thanks again, my friend. Have a wonderful weekend. Love and hugs, Sandra xx

Comment from Fleedleflump

Excellent

I'm so glad to hear you're recovering - albeit slowly!

This was a chapter that started fun and became revelatory. In my own experience, writing scenes like the ghost one is more work than I anticipate, because you need to be very clear what's happening without over-describing. I'd say you balanced it spot on, and I really enjoyed it.

Mike :-)

Spag notes:

'Gwendolyn stared, the terror in her eyes was chilling.' - I feel as though this needs an 'and' after the comma.
''Spit it out man!' Miles' anger was building by the second.' - I'd say you've shown us the anger building, and don't need to tell us :-)

'I can't repeat your mother's exact words, suffice to say, she'- 'suffice' feels like it should be a new sentence rather than a continuation.

Comment Written 21-Jul-2022

reply by the author on 21-Jul-2022

Thank you so much, Mike, that was such a nice compliment. I love having ghosts as well as invisible people in my books. I find them very useful, especially in all my time travel books. I'm glad you enjoyed Bessie's ghostly capers.
And a big thank you for your spag notes, I've made the corrections, and while doing those, I found another that needed correcting! Thanks so much for this really helpful review, my friend, I appreciate it a lot. Warm hugs, Sandra xx

Comment from Rosemary Everson1

Excellent

So glad that you are feeling better. It is very difficult to have the 'oomph' to write when you don't feel good.

I think there is so much corruptness and corruption involved in the Crawley life; also murder. Lots of money will do just that. Gwen and Jenkins must have felt freaky when the ghost appeared.

Comment Written 20-Jul-2022