In Real Time
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Unnecessary Violence"Stories of the Here and Now
12 total reviews
Comment from Jasmine Girl
You did a great job reporting this story as a journalist. I can visualize it. It's so sad that in this sports and gun loving country, people think gun can resolve everything. People are zombies. They are becoming dumb and dumber.
Exceptionally done and asked a good question.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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You did a great job reporting this story as a journalist. I can visualize it. It's so sad that in this sports and gun loving country, people think gun can resolve everything. People are zombies. They are becoming dumb and dumber.
Exceptionally done and asked a good question.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Thanks again for the exceptional review and I am glad that at least the piece got some people thinking and talking. estory
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well done, even though you broke a couple rules that, in my opinion, shouldn't be rules at all. You didn't take all the emotions out of your telling, leaving in 'shaking their heads and grinning'. I completely failed to understand anyone grinning.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Well done, even though you broke a couple rules that, in my opinion, shouldn't be rules at all. You didn't take all the emotions out of your telling, leaving in 'shaking their heads and grinning'. I completely failed to understand anyone grinning.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and your perspective on the piece. I wrestled with that image of the grinning spectators but I decided to leave it in to demonstrate the fascination with violence and the entertainment we get out of it in today's culture. estory
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Estory a good day to you. I hope this finds you well. Your story was well written and unfortunately told the story of the state of the world we live in today. A state where people would rather document and watch tragedy unfold instead of intervening or trying to stop it. Makes my heart hurt.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Hello Estory a good day to you. I hope this finds you well. Your story was well written and unfortunately told the story of the state of the world we live in today. A state where people would rather document and watch tragedy unfold instead of intervening or trying to stop it. Makes my heart hurt.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and for your perspective on this rather difficult piece. But at least it got people thinking about this and talking, and I like to make people think, give them a wider perspective on culture. Our society today is fascinated by violence and encouraged into it by media. estory
Comment from Gloria ....
I found this to be a frightening story. How vulnerable this woman and her child and her dog were to the violence of her boyfriend/husband. You captured with lean language the voyeuristic curiosity with which people watch, record on their phones, without it really clicking in their minds that this woman was in mortal danger.
In my opinion the manner in which you have told the story serves to heighten the tension, juxtaposed to the increasing crowd. Surprisingly even the ultimate conclusion didn't seem to shock people.
Very well done here.
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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I found this to be a frightening story. How vulnerable this woman and her child and her dog were to the violence of her boyfriend/husband. You captured with lean language the voyeuristic curiosity with which people watch, record on their phones, without it really clicking in their minds that this woman was in mortal danger.
In my opinion the manner in which you have told the story serves to heighten the tension, juxtaposed to the increasing crowd. Surprisingly even the ultimate conclusion didn't seem to shock people.
Very well done here.
Gloria
Comment Written 14-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and the flattering comments, which leads me to feel that I was onto the right approach for this theme. I am glad the stark language and flat delivery seemed to make the events stand out in sharp relief. you got exactly what I was trying to get across here. estory
Comment from tfawcus
The flat emotionless tone puts the reader right into the scene, as much a voyeur as the neighbours. It gives scope for the reader to form judgements, not only about the violence but about the reactions to it and to the ubiquitous use of the mobile phone. However, at least one person had the gumption to call the police. This is a graphic reflection of several societal issues: domestic violence, gun laws, community apathy, etc.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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The flat emotionless tone puts the reader right into the scene, as much a voyeur as the neighbours. It gives scope for the reader to form judgements, not only about the violence but about the reactions to it and to the ubiquitous use of the mobile phone. However, at least one person had the gumption to call the police. This is a graphic reflection of several societal issues: domestic violence, gun laws, community apathy, etc.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks again for the six stars and all the support for this story. I think it was important to post, with what's going on in the US today. I want people to think about the culture of violence we are wrapping ourselves up in today. estory
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
E story,
You deftly handled the suspense in this tragic story. At every step, the reader wonders just what will happen. May I suggest you put a warning on your story for violence? Alot of people will still read it. Some people who are ultra- sensitive to violent contact will have a choice to read it.
Your writing is very neat, and your grammar is impeccable.
Great work,
Blessings,
Cindy
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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E story,
You deftly handled the suspense in this tragic story. At every step, the reader wonders just what will happen. May I suggest you put a warning on your story for violence? Alot of people will still read it. Some people who are ultra- sensitive to violent contact will have a choice to read it.
Your writing is very neat, and your grammar is impeccable.
Great work,
Blessings,
Cindy
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and for your comments and suggestions. I have to say I didn't consider a warning for it, because it is related rather like a news story, in a dead pan delivery. There really is no graphic descriptions here. But everyone has their own tolerance level for these things, I guess. estory
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😊
Great story.
Cindy
Comment from royowen
It's something that always stuns me, it's something that frequents western countries, and there are a myriad of reasons, but I think they probably have some answers regarding human need, and the pressures v of society, but the disturbing thing is, it's a scene played out many times. Freedom is a word used so much and great misunderstood, perceptive in different ways. I don't have an answer, it's complex, have out sake and eat it comes to mind, poor decision making, mixed philosophies, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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It's something that always stuns me, it's something that frequents western countries, and there are a myriad of reasons, but I think they probably have some answers regarding human need, and the pressures v of society, but the disturbing thing is, it's a scene played out many times. Freedom is a word used so much and great misunderstood, perceptive in different ways. I don't have an answer, it's complex, have out sake and eat it comes to mind, poor decision making, mixed philosophies, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and for the perspective on this difficult piece. I am glad it got people thinking about the culture of violence we have wrapped ourselves up in today. I think much of it comes from violent media video games and tv shows and movies that trivialize life and glorify violence. The media is the voice of evil. estory
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You?re right
Comment from Fleedleflump
It's an interesting approach - the journalistic writing style, and I see your intent, although by removing emotion from it, you left me wondering who the dispassionate narrator is and how they know everything going on. I liked the repeated inclusion of the watching neighbours and passers by.
In terms of writing craft, it's very well penned - the only comment I'd make is you have a few uses of 'that' and 'had' which could be removed without impacting the sentences, and thereby make the prose smoother.
Nicely done.
Mike
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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It's an interesting approach - the journalistic writing style, and I see your intent, although by removing emotion from it, you left me wondering who the dispassionate narrator is and how they know everything going on. I liked the repeated inclusion of the watching neighbours and passers by.
In terms of writing craft, it's very well penned - the only comment I'd make is you have a few uses of 'that' and 'had' which could be removed without impacting the sentences, and thereby make the prose smoother.
Nicely done.
Mike
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and for the comments and suggestions about the story. I really wanted to use that journalistic, caustic style to create a neutral mood in which the reader can watch the action and make his/her own judgements on the morality. I want as stripped down a style as possible so I will take a look at editing out some unnecessary words. estory
Comment from LJbutterfly
The horror of this story is that it could very well be real. On-lookers like to say, "I saw the whole thing." When interviewed on TV, they have slight smiles, as though proud to be on TV. It's dangerous to interfere in other people's affairs because you may jeopardize your own safety. This is our current American culture where you take care of self.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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The horror of this story is that it could very well be real. On-lookers like to say, "I saw the whole thing." When interviewed on TV, they have slight smiles, as though proud to be on TV. It's dangerous to interfere in other people's affairs because you may jeopardize your own safety. This is our current American culture where you take care of self.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and I am glad the story seemed to hammer home the horror of this situation, as well as the culture of violence that pervades the country today. estory
Comment from Theodore McDowell
I love the emotionless, stark, journalistic tone of the piece. That tone actually elicits massive emotions in the reader, chilling horror and bewilderment and outrage at the man and the onlookers. Yes, a tale, in a way, of modern society.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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I love the emotionless, stark, journalistic tone of the piece. That tone actually elicits massive emotions in the reader, chilling horror and bewilderment and outrage at the man and the onlookers. Yes, a tale, in a way, of modern society.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and from your comments I'd have to say most people seemed to think the stark tone really helped the story, so that was a good choice of approach. estory
