Blessed Brother/ Part 6
An unexpected turn21 total reviews
Comment from kahpot
I stumbled a bit when I read "his two-hand grip on the 45..." and then "Remi doubled gripped the gun" I know now I think I missed or did not take on board all the Devil/Satan links in this story, now "click click..." still leaves this wonderful story wide open, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2022
  |
I stumbled a bit when I read "his two-hand grip on the 45..." and then "Remi doubled gripped the gun" I know now I think I missed or did not take on board all the Devil/Satan links in this story, now "click click..." still leaves this wonderful story wide open, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 12-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, my friend. Yes, that hand grip phrase might have been used a few times but worded differently. Thank you for going back again. You're caught up?part 7 in a few days. Thanks again, Kahpot!
Comment from irishauthorme
Well, you sure left us on a cliff-hanger there, can't wait to see what happens next!
Like the complicated plot, the interesting twists and turns keep me glued to the page.
In this story, there are no foregone conclusions, just another facet of the story unfolding.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2022
|
Well, you sure left us on a cliff-hanger there, can't wait to see what happens next!
Like the complicated plot, the interesting twists and turns keep me glued to the page.
In this story, there are no foregone conclusions, just another facet of the story unfolding.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 08-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2022
-
Thank you for reading, Irish! Always a pleasure to have you in my small audience. I hope not to disappoint.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have an excellent story going here, one I would want to read in full as a book. Keep up the great work. Only one problem I notice: He raised the .45 caliber silencer (should be gun with its silencer or something like that).
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
|
You have an excellent story going here, one I would want to read in full as a book. Keep up the great work. Only one problem I notice: He raised the .45 caliber silencer (should be gun with its silencer or something like that).
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Carol, for the great review. I appreciate your words, and your critiques are always helpful. Yes, I agree. I will revisit that part.
Comment from Jay Squires
VERY tense! With many a turn and a twist. I was wondering all the while why own would trust his gun to Remy. Now I see why. For a Fanstory chapter, I would be tempted to finish with the {Everett jumped to his feet. "Remi, NO."} As it is now, we know that the gun had no bullets.]
Whatever you do, this is a helluva tense chapter. You controlled it with masterful dialogue, trimmed and paced for the best dramatic effect.
Two other things I noticed. Accept or reject. The chapter is brilliant as it stands. I'm only pointing out what I, as a writer, would do, and that's subject to opinion:
"He placed his left hand on Remi's chest and the other on Remi's forehead." [Should you say which hand held the medallion? To me, it makes it a complete image.]
"Now stop thinking about the money and give me the..." [Always use the double dash (the em dash) to show interrupted dialogue. The ellipsis indicates, rather, a longer pause than a period, but it's a "dropping off" of dialogue, not an interruption.]
Great job, John.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
|
VERY tense! With many a turn and a twist. I was wondering all the while why own would trust his gun to Remy. Now I see why. For a Fanstory chapter, I would be tempted to finish with the {Everett jumped to his feet. "Remi, NO."} As it is now, we know that the gun had no bullets.]
Whatever you do, this is a helluva tense chapter. You controlled it with masterful dialogue, trimmed and paced for the best dramatic effect.
Two other things I noticed. Accept or reject. The chapter is brilliant as it stands. I'm only pointing out what I, as a writer, would do, and that's subject to opinion:
"He placed his left hand on Remi's chest and the other on Remi's forehead." [Should you say which hand held the medallion? To me, it makes it a complete image.]
"Now stop thinking about the money and give me the..." [Always use the double dash (the em dash) to show interrupted dialogue. The ellipsis indicates, rather, a longer pause than a period, but it's a "dropping off" of dialogue, not an interruption.]
Great job, John.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Jay! Yes, for sure, on the holding of the Medallion. I didn't notice he didn't have it in his hand. Your critiques are always helpful. Unfortunately, sometimes I go against what is punctually and grammatically correct because it looks good to my eye. I have to stop doing that, Jay. Thanks again, my friend.
Comment from Fleedleflump
Ooh, great cliff-hanger! If there were any spags in this, I didn't notice because I was swept along by the intense scene. Great dialogue throughout, and I could visualise the face-off as tensions switched direction between the three of them. Really good chapter.
Mike
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Ooh, great cliff-hanger! If there were any spags in this, I didn't notice because I was swept along by the intense scene. Great dialogue throughout, and I could visualise the face-off as tensions switched direction between the three of them. Really good chapter.
Mike
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Mike, for the great review and the stars. I hoped I used enough of the three of them, and no one went to the wayside. Thank you for the reassurance, Mike.
Comment from Ulla
Hi John, it's good to seeing you back, your computer problems now resolved. I really enjoyed this chapter seeing the problems looming ahead. I can't wait not be reading on. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Hi John, it's good to seeing you back, your computer problems now resolved. I really enjoyed this chapter seeing the problems looming ahead. I can't wait not be reading on. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Ulla, for the great review. Yes, all resolved as far as the computer goes.
Comment from amahra
Not having read former chapters, you did an awesome job of showing the tense moments with the gun scene. That gun being waved back and forth put me in knots not knowing if he'd shoot or not. Great job!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Not having read former chapters, you did an awesome job of showing the tense moments with the gun scene. That gun being waved back and forth put me in knots not knowing if he'd shoot or not. Great job!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, amahra, for the great review and stars. Always nice to hear from you.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
Very nice, spell-binding drama taking place here.
Just a couple of observations:
Prologue / part 5
Para 4, 2nd sentence: Add paragraph space after (away.)
Blessed Brother / Part 6
Para 4, 2nd sentence: (pale yellow) should be (pale-yellow) hyphen
Para 5, 1st sentence: Remove one space between (.45) and (to)
Para 19, 1st sentence: Add comma after (So)
Para 27, 2nd sentence: CONSIDER (all right) rather than (alright) Many sources still do not recognize "alright" as a legitimate word.
Click! Click! - Click! - Click! Owen gave Remi an empty gun, right?
Cool story taking place here. I'll be back.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Very nice, spell-binding drama taking place here.
Just a couple of observations:
Prologue / part 5
Para 4, 2nd sentence: Add paragraph space after (away.)
Blessed Brother / Part 6
Para 4, 2nd sentence: (pale yellow) should be (pale-yellow) hyphen
Para 5, 1st sentence: Remove one space between (.45) and (to)
Para 19, 1st sentence: Add comma after (So)
Para 27, 2nd sentence: CONSIDER (all right) rather than (alright) Many sources still do not recognize "alright" as a legitimate word.
Click! Click! - Click! - Click! Owen gave Remi an empty gun, right?
Cool story taking place here. I'll be back.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Gary. It's always good to hear from you, and I'm happy you're following. Thank you for the critique. It's always helpful.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Here's another six that looks like a five. You did a great job as always. I didn't see any errors. I am always looking forward to the next chapter. Enjoy your day. Shirley
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Here's another six that looks like a five. You did a great job as always. I didn't see any errors. I am always looking forward to the next chapter. Enjoy your day. Shirley
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Lol! Thank you, Shirley, for the five-six! It's always a pleasure to hear from you.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Glad to see your computer problems are resolved and being able to get back to reading Blessed Brother. From a trembling finger on a trigger, that wouldn't make the aimed at feel too comfortable . . . to "Everett lowered his head and felt the cold gun barrel slip on the sweat of his neck . . ." Lines that put us action lovers in the meat of it. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
|
Glad to see your computer problems are resolved and being able to get back to reading Blessed Brother. From a trembling finger on a trigger, that wouldn't make the aimed at feel too comfortable . . . to "Everett lowered his head and felt the cold gun barrel slip on the sweat of his neck . . ." Lines that put us action lovers in the meat of it. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2022
-
Thank you, Ric. I'm glad you came back to read, and I am happy you enjoyed part 6. It's always an honor to read your reviews, my friend.
