The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "The Chronicles of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
10 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
The ending was really good as it made me want to read the next chapter. The start, to me, seemed a bit flat but, seeing as this is the first chapter I have read, that might be me. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2022
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The ending was really good as it made me want to read the next chapter. The start, to me, seemed a bit flat but, seeing as this is the first chapter I have read, that might be me. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2022
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Thank you for stopping by.
Comment from Fleedleflump
This is a thrilling chapter of dangerous trekking, combat and then the mass poisoning at the end. Quite a lot of notes below but please know I really enjoyed this - I just want to help :-)
Mike
Spag notes:
'They openly marked the gods' - is this meant to be 'mocked'?
'pushing them--perhaps, hurrying them towards an uncertain fate.' - this comma can come out.
'Much had to be thrown away, and some, the storm carried away.' - I'd be inclined to remove the second of these commas.
'food and water they had managed to salvage, beneath them' - and this one would sit better after 'them' instead of 'salvage'
'Melitah wavered between sleep and awake as odd shapes' - either 'sleep' should be 'asleep' or 'awake' should be 'wakefulness'
'fell upon a shadow of creatures; they had snatched a soldier away' - this would read better as two sentences: 'fell upon a shadow of creatures. They had snatched a soldier away'
'In shock, he had not screamed--and when he did try, a creature gorged on his tongue.' - how do we know this? Whose PoV are we in? We could stay in Melitah's PoV if this simply said 'it seem he never got a chance to scream'
'Dinary shot forward with a battle cry, his neckless glowing' - is this meant to be 'necklace'? Currently, it sounds as though Dinary has no neck :-)
'Angry with their defeat, the undead bolted beneath the surface' - how do we know they're angry? Better to give us the impression, and let the readers come to that conclusion.
'he sensed they'd been poisoned." He' - erroneous speech mark (also, I'm not sure 'sensed' is the right word - it's more like he figured it out.
'one of the men said making a face at what was crawling at his feet. He ran off coughing and gagging.' - needs commas after 'said' and 'off'
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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This is a thrilling chapter of dangerous trekking, combat and then the mass poisoning at the end. Quite a lot of notes below but please know I really enjoyed this - I just want to help :-)
Mike
Spag notes:
'They openly marked the gods' - is this meant to be 'mocked'?
'pushing them--perhaps, hurrying them towards an uncertain fate.' - this comma can come out.
'Much had to be thrown away, and some, the storm carried away.' - I'd be inclined to remove the second of these commas.
'food and water they had managed to salvage, beneath them' - and this one would sit better after 'them' instead of 'salvage'
'Melitah wavered between sleep and awake as odd shapes' - either 'sleep' should be 'asleep' or 'awake' should be 'wakefulness'
'fell upon a shadow of creatures; they had snatched a soldier away' - this would read better as two sentences: 'fell upon a shadow of creatures. They had snatched a soldier away'
'In shock, he had not screamed--and when he did try, a creature gorged on his tongue.' - how do we know this? Whose PoV are we in? We could stay in Melitah's PoV if this simply said 'it seem he never got a chance to scream'
'Dinary shot forward with a battle cry, his neckless glowing' - is this meant to be 'necklace'? Currently, it sounds as though Dinary has no neck :-)
'Angry with their defeat, the undead bolted beneath the surface' - how do we know they're angry? Better to give us the impression, and let the readers come to that conclusion.
'he sensed they'd been poisoned." He' - erroneous speech mark (also, I'm not sure 'sensed' is the right word - it's more like he figured it out.
'one of the men said making a face at what was crawling at his feet. He ran off coughing and gagging.' - needs commas after 'said' and 'off'
Comment Written 06-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much for reading and catching those sprags. Don't know what happened; the spell-check was on. However, the narration pov is third-person Omniscient. And the Gunji is a magical being with more than the normal set of senses. Again, thank you and for the time you took to point out these corrections. I really value your reviews.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Oops, this was tough, slithering things that was so scary and you got the intended effect. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the next chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Oops, this was tough, slithering things that was so scary and you got the intended effect. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the next chapter.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2022
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I have to say the last scene is disgusting. You did an excellent job and I didn't see any errors. It was suspenseful and active. I enjoyed the read. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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I have to say the last scene is disgusting. You did an excellent job and I didn't see any errors. It was suspenseful and active. I enjoyed the read. Have a great afternoon. Shirley
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Shirley.
Comment from Ric Myworld
The visuals of your great imagination always let me feel like I'm part of the story. Sometimes, even looking over my shoulder throughout the rest of the day, and hiding under the bed at night. LOL. I never would have believed I could become a fantasy fan, but you've made it happen. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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The visuals of your great imagination always let me feel like I'm part of the story. Sometimes, even looking over my shoulder throughout the rest of the day, and hiding under the bed at night. LOL. I never would have believed I could become a fantasy fan, but you've made it happen. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much, Ric for your exceptional review. Always a pleasure, my friend.
Comment from Jay Squires
My guess is that you've been inspired by Biblical literature, Amahra. Am I right? It has the rhythm and cadence of the St. James version. I've said it before, but your writing excels at capturing the essence of the big scenes, particularly of fighting.
Anger and jealousy droved the gods to send fire [Anger and jealousy DROVE the gods ...]
I also noticed (and I'm sure others have told you by now, that you transposed some letters in your book title.
This was exciting and tense, as always.
Jay
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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My guess is that you've been inspired by Biblical literature, Amahra. Am I right? It has the rhythm and cadence of the St. James version. I've said it before, but your writing excels at capturing the essence of the big scenes, particularly of fighting.
Anger and jealousy droved the gods to send fire [Anger and jealousy DROVE the gods ...]
I also noticed (and I'm sure others have told you by now, that you transposed some letters in your book title.
This was exciting and tense, as always.
Jay
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Jay. No, no one caught the mistake in the title but you. :)) You and others have mentioned the part about the Bible and I never answered because there's really nothing new under the sun. I guess we writers ARE influenced by what we read. And I am, however, an avid reader of the Bible. Thank you, again for your steady support of this writing. I really, truly appreciate you.
Comment from Scott Rhodie
A few grammar points. Para 2 - line 1 - All the Para 3 - line 2 - bedchamber Para 5 - line 4 - cities, Para 10 - line 2 - salvage Para 12 - there, Para 20 - line 1 - yawned, Para 21 ,and Para 25- line 1 - and, dazed; Para 26 - line 1 - do? Para 32 - line 4 - ,and Para 33 - Rhico? Para 39 - line 1 - locusts, Para 48 - line 1 - said, . The story certainly delivers in well-crafted detail. It's not my type of story, but flows. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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A few grammar points. Para 2 - line 1 - All the Para 3 - line 2 - bedchamber Para 5 - line 4 - cities, Para 10 - line 2 - salvage Para 12 - there, Para 20 - line 1 - yawned, Para 21 ,and Para 25- line 1 - and, dazed; Para 26 - line 1 - do? Para 32 - line 4 - ,and Para 33 - Rhico? Para 39 - line 1 - locusts, Para 48 - line 1 - said, . The story certainly delivers in well-crafted detail. It's not my type of story, but flows. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I'm not much for fantasy stories but this one held my attention until the end. It is smoothly written and creative. I enjoyed reading this chapter and will look forward to seeing where the story goes. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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I'm not much for fantasy stories but this one held my attention until the end. It is smoothly written and creative. I enjoyed reading this chapter and will look forward to seeing where the story goes. Nicely done.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate your review.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for posting this addition to your very good novel. I enjoyed reading. I would like you to post more often. I'm sure time is an issue. It would help if you posted the ending of the previous post. It would help us remember a little better.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you for posting this addition to your very good novel. I enjoyed reading. I would like you to post more often. I'm sure time is an issue. It would help if you posted the ending of the previous post. It would help us remember a little better.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you, Barbara. I thought of doing that, but my chapters are so long (there's a chapter18 part3) that I was afraid it be too long.
Comment from royowen
What an imaginative you have Amahra, you've either read a lot of science fantasy or you've got a brilliant imagination, I'll go for the latter. A masterful episode my friend, you spice your brilliant stories with incredibly inventive deeds and thinking, I've been in places like this, beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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What an imaginative you have Amahra, you've either read a lot of science fantasy or you've got a brilliant imagination, I'll go for the latter. A masterful episode my friend, you spice your brilliant stories with incredibly inventive deeds and thinking, I've been in places like this, beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Wow! Thank you, Roy. Coming from a fantastic writer such as you is more than a compliment, and I am so humbled by it. Blessing.
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Well done