Engagement Ring of a Lifetime
Contest Entry7 total reviews
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
A very endearing memory, very touching.
A couple of suggestions:
Para 1, 13th sentence: PERHAPS add (and) before (walked)
Para 1, 15th sentence: PERHAPS add (and) between (present) and (seated)
Para 2, 2nd sentence: Are you sure (bedroom)? Should it be (bed)?
Para 10, 2nd sentence Change (in) to (on)
Sounds like a very happy marriage. Reminds me of mine.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2022
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A very endearing memory, very touching.
A couple of suggestions:
Para 1, 13th sentence: PERHAPS add (and) before (walked)
Para 1, 15th sentence: PERHAPS add (and) between (present) and (seated)
Para 2, 2nd sentence: Are you sure (bedroom)? Should it be (bed)?
Para 10, 2nd sentence Change (in) to (on)
Sounds like a very happy marriage. Reminds me of mine.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your help! I have made the corrections. The story flows well.
Comment from Wendy G
Good story overall but has a lot of repetition especially near the end. And it wasn't altogether clear that she had lost the ring, as it was simply found in her dresser drawer where one would expect. If you adjust such things your story will flow better.
Wendy
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2022
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Good story overall but has a lot of repetition especially near the end. And it wasn't altogether clear that she had lost the ring, as it was simply found in her dresser drawer where one would expect. If you adjust such things your story will flow better.
Wendy
Comment Written 24-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2022
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Thank you! I will keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice.
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Okay, I have changed the sentence where she found her ring. I respect your review and I will try to not be repetitive in my stories. Thank you for your help!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent entry for the Found It writing prompt contest.
I enjoyed reading your story. It moved along nicely and the plot was easy to understand and follow. Good character development.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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Excellent entry for the Found It writing prompt contest.
I enjoyed reading your story. It moved along nicely and the plot was easy to understand and follow. Good character development.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2022
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Thank you! It's very nice of you to compliment me. I have tried to work on character development for years. I'm glad you think so. This means I am closer to make my characters better. You've been a great help! Thanks for noticing!
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A warm story that meets the criteria. The pace is good. The images are sharp. The language friendly. The story stays on point.
Suggestions:
Beth appeared as the bride walked each step closer towards Paul.
This sounds like Beth and the bride are two separate people. I would put a comma before "as" and after "bribe" so the phrase modifys Beth.
She couldn't have said anymore...
This is a bit ambiguous. If she had no further words it should be any more as two words. Otherwise it signifies time and then it doesn't seem to fit.
Per Grammarly: Any more and anymore have related meanings, but they're not interchangeable. Whether you make anymore one word or two depends on how you're using it. Any more refers to quantities (Would you like any more tea?). Anymore is an adverb that refers to time (I don't like tea anymore.).
Beth has found the engagement ring, which took back in time in her memory.
I think you might have meant to say "which took her back in time."
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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A warm story that meets the criteria. The pace is good. The images are sharp. The language friendly. The story stays on point.
Suggestions:
Beth appeared as the bride walked each step closer towards Paul.
This sounds like Beth and the bride are two separate people. I would put a comma before "as" and after "bribe" so the phrase modifys Beth.
She couldn't have said anymore...
This is a bit ambiguous. If she had no further words it should be any more as two words. Otherwise it signifies time and then it doesn't seem to fit.
Per Grammarly: Any more and anymore have related meanings, but they're not interchangeable. Whether you make anymore one word or two depends on how you're using it. Any more refers to quantities (Would you like any more tea?). Anymore is an adverb that refers to time (I don't like tea anymore.).
Beth has found the engagement ring, which took back in time in her memory.
I think you might have meant to say "which took her back in time."
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you! I have made the corrections.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Love and harmony are the secrets key to a happy marriage especially when it's sealed with a ring. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Love and harmony are the secrets key to a happy marriage especially when it's sealed with a ring. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you and thank you for the good luck! I need it.
Comment from Fleedleflump
This is a sweet piece about remembering a beautiful life together, and it's full of lovely sentiment. I do think there are issues around tense throughout, meaning I couldn't always tell whether we were in a memory or 'present time' and that took away from the power I know is in your story.
I was making notes as I went, but it got cumbersome. Instead, I'll make a general suggestion. I think this deserves a re-draft, and I think you should focus on tense. Perhaps write everything in past tense, and use 1966 and 2010 as indicators of what time period each scene is set in.
The editor in me wants to re-write it, but I don't want to alter your lovely story because only you can do that - I just think you can make it more impactful.
Mike
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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This is a sweet piece about remembering a beautiful life together, and it's full of lovely sentiment. I do think there are issues around tense throughout, meaning I couldn't always tell whether we were in a memory or 'present time' and that took away from the power I know is in your story.
I was making notes as I went, but it got cumbersome. Instead, I'll make a general suggestion. I think this deserves a re-draft, and I think you should focus on tense. Perhaps write everything in past tense, and use 1966 and 2010 as indicators of what time period each scene is set in.
The editor in me wants to re-write it, but I don't want to alter your lovely story because only you can do that - I just think you can make it more impactful.
Mike
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you!
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I will try to make it better.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you have a nice tale here which fits the brief well.
I would maybe consider re-working your opening paragraph. It's very passive and almost all telling, with the use of 'was' being predominant.
he was married to Paul Bronco in 1966. Back in 1966, - you don't really need to repeat the date here.
to pay and arrange for it.- perhaps try to pay for and arrange it.
Beth appeared as the bride walked each step closer towards Paul. He was happy and smiled. Beth's and Paul's families were present seated. - I can't quite put my finger on my but both these sentences read a little awkwardly.
There's quite a lot of repetition in this piece considering how short it is.
"We were already there," He replied. - he.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Hi there,
I think you have a nice tale here which fits the brief well.
I would maybe consider re-working your opening paragraph. It's very passive and almost all telling, with the use of 'was' being predominant.
he was married to Paul Bronco in 1966. Back in 1966, - you don't really need to repeat the date here.
to pay and arrange for it.- perhaps try to pay for and arrange it.
Beth appeared as the bride walked each step closer towards Paul. He was happy and smiled. Beth's and Paul's families were present seated. - I can't quite put my finger on my but both these sentences read a little awkwardly.
There's quite a lot of repetition in this piece considering how short it is.
"We were already there," He replied. - he.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2022
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Thank you!
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I will try to make it better.
