Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Amends "From one life to another
5 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I you have good pacing and realistic tone in your conversations. The writing is good too. I only saw a few nits, I've listed below.
"The boy should lay back down." The old woman says,
-"The boy should lay back down," the old woman says,
Through dry lips, I ask. "Where's my sister?
-Through dry lips, I ask, "Where's my sister?
She hugs me, "I wasn't there for you.
-She hugs me. "I wasn't there for you.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2022
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I you have good pacing and realistic tone in your conversations. The writing is good too. I only saw a few nits, I've listed below.
"The boy should lay back down." The old woman says,
-"The boy should lay back down," the old woman says,
Through dry lips, I ask. "Where's my sister?
-Through dry lips, I ask, "Where's my sister?
She hugs me, "I wasn't there for you.
-She hugs me. "I wasn't there for you.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2022
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Thanks for your feedback lacellot.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a compelling chapter.
I liked the reference to Giselle sucking out the poison - very understated, not a hint of overkill.
I didn't like the fact that you have no character list (this is important in the FanStory context where we are reading in episodes. It is impossible to keep the characters in mind without). Kate xx
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2022
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This is a compelling chapter.
I liked the reference to Giselle sucking out the poison - very understated, not a hint of overkill.
I didn't like the fact that you have no character list (this is important in the FanStory context where we are reading in episodes. It is impossible to keep the characters in mind without). Kate xx
Comment Written 30-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your feedback Katherine.
For clarification, character lists, do you mean something like this?
Example:
Colton: POV Character.
Giselle: Colton's foster mother.
Iona: Colton's Aunt
Blind woman: Another survivor of the Purge
Enid: Colton's younger sister.
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yes
Comment from Faith Williams
The first two paragraphs are great--they really paint a picture.
In that first paragraph, the sentence, 'No, I can't be my shoulder killing me.' is a bit awkward and disrupts the flow.
In the paragraph that begins, 'The barbs would be flying by now.' I might consider changing 'would' to 'should'.
"Your right." should be "You're right."
Other than that sentence in the first paragraph, the pacing is great, and I want to keep reading. I can't say there is anything I dislike. Great job!
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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The first two paragraphs are great--they really paint a picture.
In that first paragraph, the sentence, 'No, I can't be my shoulder killing me.' is a bit awkward and disrupts the flow.
In the paragraph that begins, 'The barbs would be flying by now.' I might consider changing 'would' to 'should'.
"Your right." should be "You're right."
Other than that sentence in the first paragraph, the pacing is great, and I want to keep reading. I can't say there is anything I dislike. Great job!
Comment Written 20-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your feedback, and I hope you enjoy reading the rest of my work. I post two chapters a month.
Comment from BeckyMann
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading this. I thought the dialogue was well down and believable. I didn't quite understand what the problem was with the relationship? Maybe I am just tired. I will try re-reading it after.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading this. I thought the dialogue was well down and believable. I didn't quite understand what the problem was with the relationship? Maybe I am just tired. I will try re-reading it after.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work.
Comment from prettybluebirds
You wrote (whipping) my mouth. I think you meant (wiping). I like the story. I don't remember reading any of the previous chapters, but this is pretty much self-explanatory. I got the general idea of the story from this one chapter. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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You wrote (whipping) my mouth. I think you meant (wiping). I like the story. I don't remember reading any of the previous chapters, but this is pretty much self-explanatory. I got the general idea of the story from this one chapter. Nicely done.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2022
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Thank you for taking the the time to read my work.