Chasing Gnomes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chasing Gnomes Ch.1 - Up a Creek"Dragon Dance Chronicles Book 1
21 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
I've been a bit late getting to this, Mike, but I'm glad I looked in. Just the kind of humour that appeals to me. Entertaining imagery, both scatological and otherwise. I thought covered in so many jewels and sequins, he'd be invisible in sunlight particularly good. The typically English understatement is great, too, in sentences like I don't mind admitting, I felt a little tingle.
Although the meaning becomes obvious here, I did for a moment think it was the guard pulling the curtain. I backed carefully into the curtained privy alcove as a guard's footsteps approached, pulling the fabric across in front of me.
Suggest maybe you adjust the word order: I backed carefully into the curtained privy alcove pulling the fabric across in front of me as a guard's footsteps approached, .
I agree with the points Gareth has already picked up on so won't repeat them.
Love that Gobbit!
p.s. Have you read any of snodlander's writing? I think you might enjoy it. Similar use of the little people.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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I've been a bit late getting to this, Mike, but I'm glad I looked in. Just the kind of humour that appeals to me. Entertaining imagery, both scatological and otherwise. I thought covered in so many jewels and sequins, he'd be invisible in sunlight particularly good. The typically English understatement is great, too, in sentences like I don't mind admitting, I felt a little tingle.
Although the meaning becomes obvious here, I did for a moment think it was the guard pulling the curtain. I backed carefully into the curtained privy alcove as a guard's footsteps approached, pulling the fabric across in front of me.
Suggest maybe you adjust the word order: I backed carefully into the curtained privy alcove pulling the fabric across in front of me as a guard's footsteps approached, .
I agree with the points Gareth has already picked up on so won't repeat them.
Love that Gobbit!
p.s. Have you read any of snodlander's writing? I think you might enjoy it. Similar use of the little people.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, mate :-). I have a habit of over-working and over-writing my opening scenes, so I think this needs some more tweaking - really appreciate the notes.
I adore writing humour, but it can be hard work!
I'm sure Snodland was around when I used to be on Fanstory, some 8+ years ago. Will have to check in!
Mike
Comment from Judy Lawless
I wish I'd gotten to this earlier. I might have had a six left for you! This was a hoot to read. You imagery is fantastic, with the use of clever metaphors. It's the kind of story that needs to be read more than once, to take it all in. Very well done. I plan to follow it, but may fall behind since I'll be traveling for a few weeks.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2022
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I wish I'd gotten to this earlier. I might have had a six left for you! This was a hoot to read. You imagery is fantastic, with the use of clever metaphors. It's the kind of story that needs to be read more than once, to take it all in. Very well done. I plan to follow it, but may fall behind since I'll be traveling for a few weeks.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Judy :-). Part 2 is up at the moment and 3 will go up as soon as I can earn enough credit for promotion. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it!
Mike
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You?re most welcome, Mike.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Mike, this was fun to read.Rozlyn seems quite tough with poor LJ. Otherwise, there's a lot of action in this chapter is. It's very well written and I'm looking to reading on. All the best, Ulla :)))
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2022
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Hi Mike, this was fun to read.Rozlyn seems quite tough with poor LJ. Otherwise, there's a lot of action in this chapter is. It's very well written and I'm looking to reading on. All the best, Ulla :)))
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2022
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Ah, well if you'd spent as much time with him as she has, you'd probably be tough with him too! Or maybe, it's more to do with her life not going to plan at the moment. Thanks so much for the review :-). Chapter 2 is up now and more will come as soon as I can earn the promotion credit!
Mike
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mike,
I usually love these sort of tales. Fantasy mixed with a good dollop of humour never goes amiss.
You have a strong voice in the piece with the main character, Rozlyn and she's drawn well.
Lot of good stuff in here. Draws the reader in and the humour is spot on.
Couldn't get the initial image of Dora the explorer out of my head when the bag started talking. lol
I started this review the other day and had to go back again as I see you've changed out the hobbit for a nymph, although it took a subtle readjustment to accept the nymph was male as traditionally they'd be female. (not that change isn't a good thing)
save for the pointed, elfin ears. - this stuck out to me just because of the description given in the footnotes. I wouldn't have attributed elfin ear to gnomes or hobbits.
The only thing of any note I spotted was the usage of adverbs in places. When they come, they tend to clump together, such as here - usually reserved for the hopelessly insane. I smiled inwardly. When in quick succession they do tend to be more noticeable.
The other aspect was that initially the backpack was introduced as if it was talking, rather than what / who was inside. This occurs later on as well when the backpack talks rather than LJ being the identified speaker. It's a little confusing.
The use of frisbee seemed an anachronism. It felt out of place in the world you've constructed.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Hi Mike,
I usually love these sort of tales. Fantasy mixed with a good dollop of humour never goes amiss.
You have a strong voice in the piece with the main character, Rozlyn and she's drawn well.
Lot of good stuff in here. Draws the reader in and the humour is spot on.
Couldn't get the initial image of Dora the explorer out of my head when the bag started talking. lol
I started this review the other day and had to go back again as I see you've changed out the hobbit for a nymph, although it took a subtle readjustment to accept the nymph was male as traditionally they'd be female. (not that change isn't a good thing)
save for the pointed, elfin ears. - this stuck out to me just because of the description given in the footnotes. I wouldn't have attributed elfin ear to gnomes or hobbits.
The only thing of any note I spotted was the usage of adverbs in places. When they come, they tend to clump together, such as here - usually reserved for the hopelessly insane. I smiled inwardly. When in quick succession they do tend to be more noticeable.
The other aspect was that initially the backpack was introduced as if it was talking, rather than what / who was inside. This occurs later on as well when the backpack talks rather than LJ being the identified speaker. It's a little confusing.
The use of frisbee seemed an anachronism. It felt out of place in the world you've constructed.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thanks, mate. I really appreciate the engaged, thoughtful review.
I've flopped back and forth with LJ (this story has been an draft format through about 10 revisions - way more than usual for me, and the result is I can't decide what's best). Until yesterday, he's always been a 'hobbit', but I don't want people visualising Elijah Wood bouncing around in Rozlyn's backpack, lol - LJ is significantly smaller than Tolkien's hobbits. As you observe, Nymph also comes with a set of expectations, but I don't really want to make something up... Hmm, just had an idea for a Gobbit - the unfortunate lovechild of a Gnome and a Hobbit...
You're 100% right about the frisbee. I should know by now - if I've wondered whether something should be changed, I should probably change it!
I'll bear in mind your other pointers too. Part 2 will probably go up later today. If nothing else, expect LJ to be living in his third racial iteration (but in fact be exactly the same!).
Enormous thanks for the assist.
Mike
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LOL, I love Gobbit, I think it's also in keeping with the tone of the piece.
Comment from Cindy Warren
I hope the gremlin is good for something other than picking locks. She's going to need all the help she can get. This promises to be a good story. I'll stick around to see how she gets out of this.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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I hope the gremlin is good for something other than picking locks. She's going to need all the help she can get. This promises to be a good story. I'll stick around to see how she gets out of this.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Cindy :-). This story is lots if fun to write - I'm glad you enjoyed the first part!
Mike
Comment from lyenochka
Well, there was lots of action and suspense and likable characters. Although I thought Rozlyn quite rough on poor LJ but I guess that was more for comic relief. Sounds like Rozlyn is in real trouble now...
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Well, there was lots of action and suspense and likable characters. Although I thought Rozlyn quite rough on poor LJ but I guess that was more for comic relief. Sounds like Rozlyn is in real trouble now...
Comment Written 14-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2022
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Thank you :-). We'll have to see whether she has to talk or fight her way out!
Mike
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A fun post Mike, I'm loving the clever metaphors throughout and the dialogue made me laugh too. A very inventive piece, I have never understood those hobbit stories, but you made sense of it here, an entertaining write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2022
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A fun post Mike, I'm loving the clever metaphors throughout and the dialogue made me laugh too. A very inventive piece, I have never understood those hobbit stories, but you made sense of it here, an entertaining write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 14-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2022
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Thanks, Dolly :-). I'm hoping it's more about the comedy than anything else, so the fact it's a fantasy story should take a back seat. I'm really glad you enjoyed the read!
Mike
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is quite entertaining, and I'll be looking for more. Rozlyn is an interesting thief and apparently not very good at it. Her sidekick has to be cute since he's a hobbit. (Can you get away with that if hobbit is copywrited?) You have a very good imagination and a way with words.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2022
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This is quite entertaining, and I'll be looking for more. Rozlyn is an interesting thief and apparently not very good at it. Her sidekick has to be cute since he's a hobbit. (Can you get away with that if hobbit is copywrited?) You have a very good imagination and a way with words.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Carol :-). You know, I'd never considered whether hobbits were 'allowed' to be used. Just looked into it and obviously the word itself is okay as it long pre-dates Tolkien but I may need to make sure I differentiate my hobbits from his! I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from Shirley McLain
I want to read more of this story. It is fun, full of action and fascinating to the last word. I will be following you as soon as I get this sent. You did a great job. Have a wonderful evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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I want to read more of this story. It is fun, full of action and fascinating to the last word. I will be following you as soon as I get this sent. You did a great job. Have a wonderful evening. Shirley
Comment Written 13-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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Thanks so much, Shirley :-). This is half a chapter, as I've learnt the hard way not to post something too long, so the rest is ready to go as soon as I've earned some more promotion credit! I'm really glad you liked it.
Mike
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It wouldn't let me follow, so I will try again tomorrow. Shirley
Comment from Gunner Lil
An enjoyable read. Great flow and pace. This reader wanted more. Very good dialog to keep the story and plot moving.
Outstanding sensory descriptions.
Thank you.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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An enjoyable read. Great flow and pace. This reader wanted more. Very good dialog to keep the story and plot moving.
Outstanding sensory descriptions.
Thank you.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2022
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Thank you! There's plenty more to come :-)
Mike
