Crying Blood
Perhaps, Cain was encouraged. (violence is minimized)8 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Wayne,
This is a imaginative retelling of the Bible story of Cain and Abel. This shows the killing of Abel to be an accident. So in your story Cain is the first slaver as well as the first killer. I like that you add daughters to the first family. This explains why God wasn't happy with Cain's sacrifice.
I think you meant brother instead of sister in the description of Chute.
Congrats for getting the honorable mention in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2023
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Hi Wayne,
This is a imaginative retelling of the Bible story of Cain and Abel. This shows the killing of Abel to be an accident. So in your story Cain is the first slaver as well as the first killer. I like that you add daughters to the first family. This explains why God wasn't happy with Cain's sacrifice.
I think you meant brother instead of sister in the description of Chute.
Congrats for getting the honorable mention in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
Comment Written 25-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2023
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Thank you.
And yes, I'm eatin' my veggies and takin' my shots (jabs).
smiley face here
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No problem, Wayne.
I think most of have taken our shots.
Joan
Comment from lyenochka
I'm not sure how to reconcile this story to that of the account in Genesis. If Adam and his sons (no daughters are mentioned) are not human, what are they? Are you saying that these are the ones eventually dubbed as "sons of God" who intermarried with the "daughters of man"?
I did like your script form with all the drama you wove into it as well as direct quotes from the Bible. I was surprised this was posted last June!
Congratulations on the second place win!
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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I'm not sure how to reconcile this story to that of the account in Genesis. If Adam and his sons (no daughters are mentioned) are not human, what are they? Are you saying that these are the ones eventually dubbed as "sons of God" who intermarried with the "daughters of man"?
I did like your script form with all the drama you wove into it as well as direct quotes from the Bible. I was surprised this was posted last June!
Congratulations on the second place win!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2023
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2023
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Thank you. I offered that Adam and Eve were fully human. Humanus erectus (Neanderthal, Cro magnon, etc) were evolved creatures. It is possible that Cain took up with them after booted from the family.
Thank you again for the congrats.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wayne, I did locate a Bible and read the chapter of Genesis, as you suggested. The story was familiar, but it's been a long time. :) I think you've done a good job of writing in more layman's terms and putting it into a script format. The dialogue is great. It would be interesting to watch the full play. Well done.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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Wayne, I did locate a Bible and read the chapter of Genesis, as you suggested. The story was familiar, but it's been a long time. :) I think you've done a good job of writing in more layman's terms and putting it into a script format. The dialogue is great. It would be interesting to watch the full play. Well done.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2022
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This was the ending. The first 10,000 words lay out family relationships.
Thank you for the review.
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You're welcome, Wayne. I do realize the rest of it precedes this part.
Comment from Jay Squires
Wayne, I have read, and I've thoroughly enjoyed, your script. It's a shame, I feel, that Fanstorians are not as receptive of scripts as they are of poetry and prose. (I've had to "buy" eyes to read my "Incredible Fanny Barnwarmer" script by costly promotion. I'm afraid you'll probably have to do the same with your Crying Blood, to get the audience it deserves.)
Still, you have written a marvelous scene here. It should do well in the competition.
Here are a couple of notes I made as I read along. I hope you find them helpful.
In your introduction: "Neanderthal man (humanus erectus) lives concurrently, a clan of whom have wandered into the human beings' home region." [The syntax troubled me here because it clouds your intended meaning. "Clan" is the subject while "of whom" suggests it is "the object". It's a tough one, but I believe you'll find the meaning clears up by changing it to "... a clan WHICH HAS wandered into the human beings' home region."
"CAIN TREMBLES and begins to RUN different directions," [Suggest "multiple directions" which implies confused movement in the face of an omnipresent God.]
CAIN CRUMBLES on the shaking earth as his words were spoken. [This is neither wrong nor right, but tradition would have you capitalize "His" here. To me, capitalizing it simply intensifies the preceding "shaking earth".]
Dang, I hope this wins. So many scripts I've read don't even attempt to follow the script format. Yours has ... (well, I'd like to have seen the introduction more clearly delineated as such, but that's minor here.)
Clearly, this is a triumpth, Wayne, and I hope it gets the recognition it deserves.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Wayne, I have read, and I've thoroughly enjoyed, your script. It's a shame, I feel, that Fanstorians are not as receptive of scripts as they are of poetry and prose. (I've had to "buy" eyes to read my "Incredible Fanny Barnwarmer" script by costly promotion. I'm afraid you'll probably have to do the same with your Crying Blood, to get the audience it deserves.)
Still, you have written a marvelous scene here. It should do well in the competition.
Here are a couple of notes I made as I read along. I hope you find them helpful.
In your introduction: "Neanderthal man (humanus erectus) lives concurrently, a clan of whom have wandered into the human beings' home region." [The syntax troubled me here because it clouds your intended meaning. "Clan" is the subject while "of whom" suggests it is "the object". It's a tough one, but I believe you'll find the meaning clears up by changing it to "... a clan WHICH HAS wandered into the human beings' home region."
"CAIN TREMBLES and begins to RUN different directions," [Suggest "multiple directions" which implies confused movement in the face of an omnipresent God.]
CAIN CRUMBLES on the shaking earth as his words were spoken. [This is neither wrong nor right, but tradition would have you capitalize "His" here. To me, capitalizing it simply intensifies the preceding "shaking earth".]
Dang, I hope this wins. So many scripts I've read don't even attempt to follow the script format. Yours has ... (well, I'd like to have seen the introduction more clearly delineated as such, but that's minor here.)
Clearly, this is a triumpth, Wayne, and I hope it gets the recognition it deserves.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Wow! Thank you for a very helpful review.
And I have to say... you really know your stuff!
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Unfortunately, the set up is in the 10,000 words that precede this section.
Thanks again for the review.
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Interesting, but obviously fictitious. You have a very good imagination and good at story telling. Keep writing. Who is your antagonist? Where did these family come from? Was Cain the son of Adam?
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Interesting, but obviously fictitious. You have a very good imagination and good at story telling. Keep writing. Who is your antagonist? Where did these family come from? Was Cain the son of Adam?
Comment Written 06-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Yes, Cain was Adam's son.
The Neanderthals 'might' have been alive during Adam and Eve's time.
My theory is that is who inhabited the 'land of Nod' and who Cain married and pro-created.
Nothing in the Bible refutes the possibility.
Thanks for the great review.
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I would like more information about the union between Cain and an ape woman.
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Neanderthal, or humanus erectus, not necessarily 'ape woman. The book of Genesis in the Bible, chapter 4, verses 14-16 speak of people in the Land of Nod. I imagined (and wrote fictitiously) that a clan of these people made it to Adam and Eve's region and that Cain domesticated them. In my story Cain had no 'woman'. There was an adolescent child that he was to slay and offer on Adam's altar. Again - pure fiction.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Nice script I like how you imagine the brotherly killing of Abel and how Cain is running away from his murder, but God sees and knows everything so there is no place to hide from his wrath. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Nice script I like how you imagine the brotherly killing of Abel and how Cain is running away from his murder, but God sees and knows everything so there is no place to hide from his wrath. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
There is some excellent dialogue in this script, that reads like a real conversation, where people seek their words, and don't just parrot platitudes. It's weakness to me is that it isn't an original story, just a personal interpretation of what is doubtless the best known work in history. Kate xx
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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There is some excellent dialogue in this script, that reads like a real conversation, where people seek their words, and don't just parrot platitudes. It's weakness to me is that it isn't an original story, just a personal interpretation of what is doubtless the best known work in history. Kate xx
Comment Written 06-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Thank you. Yet I get blow back for the part that 'is' original! lol
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
A really clever "fill in the blanks" of one of the most well-known Biblical stories of all time.
One observation;
I think "That everything go on" should be "That everything goes on"
Take a look.
This really does make sense even to a believer like me. I think it really could have happened this way. If so, it makes Cain a much less terrible brother than what he is portrayed. It is so much easier to believe an accident over an intentional murder.
Great Job Wayne.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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A really clever "fill in the blanks" of one of the most well-known Biblical stories of all time.
One observation;
I think "That everything go on" should be "That everything goes on"
Take a look.
This really does make sense even to a believer like me. I think it really could have happened this way. If so, it makes Cain a much less terrible brother than what he is portrayed. It is so much easier to believe an accident over an intentional murder.
Great Job Wayne.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022
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Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
And a great review.
And for the six stars!
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Your efforts clearly deserve the six-stars Wayne.
