Comment from Crystal A Castaneda

Average

I like this story it's a creative tale of magical beings and another world. That's how i look at it Castles and dragons type story. Dialog is great. Good job

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 Comment Written 06-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022

Thanks for your review. However, you must be new here. Three stars mean the writing sucks and needs work. You're not supposed to give three stars without telling writers what to fix and how to fix it.

Comment from Fleedleflump

Excellent

This is an excellent, well-written chapter. I'm obviously joining the story quite late, but I was able to get a sense of characters from their interactions. The dialogue works well and you do a good job of setting up anticipation for the imminent adventure.

There are quite a few notes below, but they're all very minor. Please feel free to use or ignore as you wish - I still enjoyed the tale immensely.

Mike

Spag notes:

'Dinary, heeding Hayman's words turned and immediately slowed his pace.' - needs another comma after 'words'

'"We've been traveling for hours," Olatunji said irritated. "Where is this city?"' - could use a comma before 'irritated'

'Suddenly a yellow ball of light--so bright, it blotted out the village, and when the light slowly dimmed and disappeared, there before them stood a great city.' - there's some missing in this sentence, between 'blotted out the village' and 'and when the light slowly dimmed' (slowly dimmed is a split infinitive, but I don't think most people care about those any more!). Alternatively, just adding 'blossomed' or something similar after 'ball of light' would fix he sentence.

'"You sent for us, Your Highness?" Dinary asked straightening after his second bow.' - needs a comma after 'asked' as we're going from tag to action.

'"Calm yourself," the prince said taking the seat beside his father's.' - similarly, could do with a comma before 'taking'

'"Though Dinary was all smiles,' - erroneous speech mark at the start

'"Do?" Dinary asked wide-eyed.' - could use a comma after 'asked'

'King Pyruss and Prince Norr, unable to make sense of the inaudible conversation sat eagerly waiting but silent.' - needs a comma after 'conversation'

 Comment Written 06-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022

Thank you for your review and I made the corrections. I appreciate the time you took to point out mistakes.

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

This is what I call a fantasy book:"Dinary felt the forest's reputation truly preceded itself: It was colorful and gorgeous, attracting nature-lovers to its beauty. The most common Qu'Venars lived in small homes nestled between the strange-looking trees. Powerful Magi who studied their craft in the arcane tower of the Sharian actually lived among the Qu'Venar commoners and protected them. The beauty of the forest was said to be so enticing, to the irritation of Sharian sorcerers, travelers often lingered well beyond their welcomed visits." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter

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 Comment Written 06-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2022

Thank you.