Hold Up
150 words7 total reviews
Comment from Heather Knight
This is perfectly thought out. I like your use of the first person and the fact that we discover that you are talking to the judge towards the end.
In my opinion, there isn't a word out of place.
Good luck in the contest. You deserve it.
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This is perfectly thought out. I like your use of the first person and the fact that we discover that you are talking to the judge towards the end.
In my opinion, there isn't a word out of place.
Good luck in the contest. You deserve it.
Comment Written 20-May-2022
Comment from Susan Newell
Wils,
Although dark and an accurate sign of the times in some US cities, this is an excellent story and should do well in the contest. I'm glad you called out the vibe of evil and wrapped up with court testimony. I also liked the way the language fit the character. You packed a lot into 150 words. It makes me consider writing one about an armed shopkeeper who doesn't get the squat beat out of him!
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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Wils,
Although dark and an accurate sign of the times in some US cities, this is an excellent story and should do well in the contest. I'm glad you called out the vibe of evil and wrapped up with court testimony. I also liked the way the language fit the character. You packed a lot into 150 words. It makes me consider writing one about an armed shopkeeper who doesn't get the squat beat out of him!
Comment Written 20-May-2022
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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Thank you Susan. This is actually a fictionalised account of events that happened to me many years ago. In truth there was no vandalism but they did get away with quite a bit.
Geoff
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You are welcome. Can I assume you weren't injured?
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Only my nerves lol
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Wils I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your flash fiction with us. To tell a story in so few words is a challenge that I think you executed well. Good job!
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Hello Wils I hope this review finds you well. Thank you for sharing your flash fiction with us. To tell a story in so few words is a challenge that I think you executed well. Good job!
Comment Written 20-May-2022
Comment from RodG
I can almost hear this testimony being given in court as the victim first sets the scene (the vibes he feels when they enter his shop) and then describes what they did to his goods and him. Hopefully, he will get justice.
Rod
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I can almost hear this testimony being given in court as the victim first sets the scene (the vibes he feels when they enter his shop) and then describes what they did to his goods and him. Hopefully, he will get justice.
Rod
Comment Written 19-May-2022
Comment from jessizero
It is impressive that you manged to pull off flash fiction in just dialogue from one character. I hope all ends well for those characters involved. Thank you for sharing.
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It is impressive that you manged to pull off flash fiction in just dialogue from one character. I hope all ends well for those characters involved. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-May-2022
Comment from lancellot
It is good. You did well describing the scene and the feelings of the shop owner. I would recommend lowering the amount of cash they got from a small shop owner's register.
I heard them rev up their car and take off.
- This part isn't needed. Perhaps you could put the words to better use.
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It is good. You did well describing the scene and the feelings of the shop owner. I would recommend lowering the amount of cash they got from a small shop owner's register.
I heard them rev up their car and take off.
- This part isn't needed. Perhaps you could put the words to better use.
Comment Written 19-May-2022
Comment from irishauthorme
Pretty neat, in just 150 words, a tense situation, a destructive, violent robbery with physical injury, the loss of significant revenue, and a great conclusion!
You do not get anything back in that kind of conclusion in court, but at least you get to see the miserable perps pay the price.
I know, just a story, but made me hope the crooks were going to get sentenced somewhere where the courts were not as lenient as-well, if you watch the news about LA County...
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Pretty neat, in just 150 words, a tense situation, a destructive, violent robbery with physical injury, the loss of significant revenue, and a great conclusion!
You do not get anything back in that kind of conclusion in court, but at least you get to see the miserable perps pay the price.
I know, just a story, but made me hope the crooks were going to get sentenced somewhere where the courts were not as lenient as-well, if you watch the news about LA County...
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 19-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Thanks for your review. This is a fictionalised version of true events. In truth, there was no injury or vandalism but they did get away with quite a bit.
