Ransom
What about Father?33 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
The paragraph about Ransom's personal hygenie annoyed me because it was too long and bored me. Too much details and all narrative about the character, which derails a reader from the full story. Paragraphs usually tend to be 3 to 5 sentences long. That might assist you with an edit.
He had little children and had to get hospital care. That is rather sad. And I was upset by Ranson not being home for the fresh picked yellow cucumbers.
You are detail-orient and that is wonderful. However, there too many details in this story. Not all of the details are important. I suggest an overall edit to tighten up the story. To remember it's a novel installment to focus on Ranson.
Good luck to you :)
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The paragraph about Ransom's personal hygenie annoyed me because it was too long and bored me. Too much details and all narrative about the character, which derails a reader from the full story. Paragraphs usually tend to be 3 to 5 sentences long. That might assist you with an edit.
He had little children and had to get hospital care. That is rather sad. And I was upset by Ranson not being home for the fresh picked yellow cucumbers.
You are detail-orient and that is wonderful. However, there too many details in this story. Not all of the details are important. I suggest an overall edit to tighten up the story. To remember it's a novel installment to focus on Ranson.
Good luck to you :)
Comment Written 15-Sep-2022
Comment from LovnPeace
Wow, so sad, yet heartwarming. From what little you've shared; this sounds like your story. I know it says General Fiction. We write what we know. You have a great talent. Writing from the heart and such great descriptions. IMHO many authors overkill on descriptions. I skip right ever them. This flows beautifully. Blessings, Barbara
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Wow, so sad, yet heartwarming. From what little you've shared; this sounds like your story. I know it says General Fiction. We write what we know. You have a great talent. Writing from the heart and such great descriptions. IMHO many authors overkill on descriptions. I skip right ever them. This flows beautifully. Blessings, Barbara
Comment Written 19-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2022
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Wow, thank You, Barbara! I appreciate your reading, and the galaxy of stars! You are right on, we write what we know.
This story was partly from my past, and part fiction. And, I do try and write from my heart, stories that involve people in difficult situations that require thinking and exceptional decisions.
Thank You!!
irish
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You're most welcome. Well deserved. Please. If you hear Allen, let me know what you think. Please. TY
Comment from pome lover
Well, whichever it's from, it is a lovely story. At first, from the title, I feared a kidnapping of the father for whatever reason, but that idea was quickly dispelled. I was pleased and relieved when the daughters let him stay at home, and I loved the details in the gentle, sweet ending.
Katharine
reply by the author on 30-May-2022
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Well, whichever it's from, it is a lovely story. At first, from the title, I feared a kidnapping of the father for whatever reason, but that idea was quickly dispelled. I was pleased and relieved when the daughters let him stay at home, and I loved the details in the gentle, sweet ending.
Katharine
Comment Written 29-May-2022
reply by the author on 30-May-2022
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Hi, Katharine, thank you for reading, your in-depth comments, and all the stars! I might have chosen a better title, Ransom was kind of misleading.
Next time.
Thanks again, irish
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
What an absolutely beautiful and moving story. I loved the ending.
You are quite the storyteller. You put the reader right smack in the middle of the scene with your descriptive narrative - right down to the Ace Hardware cap, which I'm familiar with.
We'll done!
reply by the author on 30-May-2022
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What an absolutely beautiful and moving story. I loved the ending.
You are quite the storyteller. You put the reader right smack in the middle of the scene with your descriptive narrative - right down to the Ace Hardware cap, which I'm familiar with.
We'll done!
Comment Written 28-May-2022
reply by the author on 30-May-2022
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Hi, Pam! Wow, thank you for reading, your encouraging comments, and all those stars! I think I compose better when I take part of my life and weave some fiction around it. And hey, I still have the Ace Hardware cap.
Cheers, irish
Comment from ShirleyT1
What a great story, though it's heartbreaking. You balanced the story from start to finish with great story-telling and emotions. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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What a great story, though it's heartbreaking. You balanced the story from start to finish with great story-telling and emotions. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 28-May-2022
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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Hi, Shirley, Thank you for reading, your encouraging comments, and all the stars! This story-as with all my fiction- is part fiction, part from my life. Thanks again,
irish
Comment from JoannaN
Thank you very much for sharing your story. There is one suggestion you might found useful - if you make a time shift (this part: "The phone call came two weeks later") it sometimes pays off to make it more graphically distinct - some people, for instance, use ** mark between the lines.
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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Thank you very much for sharing your story. There is one suggestion you might found useful - if you make a time shift (this part: "The phone call came two weeks later") it sometimes pays off to make it more graphically distinct - some people, for instance, use ** mark between the lines.
Comment Written 27-May-2022
reply by the author on 28-May-2022
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Hi, Joanna, thank you for reading, your encouraging comments, and all the stars! Thank you for the timely suggestion, I can see where that ** separation would make the sentence have more impact.
As you can see, I am just an amateur, always open to improvement.
All my fiction is part fiction and part of my life.
Thanks again,
irish
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You are welcome :) I am myself an amateur, fanstory is really helpful when it comes to finding suggestions for improvements and developer your skills
Comment from dmt1967
His daughters held his large, calloused hands as he said (Grace). This needs to have its own line as it is dialogue and be in quotation marks.
I take my vitamins, sleep good, wake up happy, and outside of () few aches and pains, I get around, just fine!" (a)
"Oh, my Lord, (I'll be on the) way!" (I'm on my way)
This would have been a six. It was really well written and made me feel part of the story. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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His daughters held his large, calloused hands as he said (Grace). This needs to have its own line as it is dialogue and be in quotation marks.
I take my vitamins, sleep good, wake up happy, and outside of () few aches and pains, I get around, just fine!" (a)
"Oh, my Lord, (I'll be on the) way!" (I'm on my way)
This would have been a six. It was really well written and made me feel part of the story. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.
Comment Written 27-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you for reading, your helpful comments, and all the stars!
Please ex[lain the changes to as he said Grace.
irish
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The father spoke. He said "Grace." So, maybe, 'Her father reached out his callous hands and took hers. "Grace," he whispered.
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I should have written this so it could be understood.
Ransom would not have said the word, :"Grace."
He would have said, "Father in Heaven, bless this food we take that it may strengthen and heal our bodies. We ask this in the name of our Saviour and Your Son, Jesus,
Amen."
Comment from Badger_29
Dear Irish,
You brought your characters to life through good imagery. I can tell this one was going to make me cry, and the tears streamed down my face, I noticed a complex storyline mixed with vivid images.
Very moving and poignant ending with lemon cucumbers ripened nicely.
And the image of the stained Ace hardware cap
Flowex through to the ending.
Very well written!
Blessings,
Brother Badger
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Dear Irish,
You brought your characters to life through good imagery. I can tell this one was going to make me cry, and the tears streamed down my face, I noticed a complex storyline mixed with vivid images.
Very moving and poignant ending with lemon cucumbers ripened nicely.
And the image of the stained Ace hardware cap
Flowex through to the ending.
Very well written!
Blessings,
Brother Badger
Comment Written 27-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you for reading, your fantastic comments, and the galaxy of stars! I knew you would be able to identify with this story and the setting.
Thanks again,
irish
Comment from nomi338
This is such a warm and comfortable feeling story. I was not around when either of my parents died. I remember when my middle sister died, she had been my mom's rock when she started to deteriorate. My mother never recovered from that and we all knew her end was near. I cannot even begin to imagine how my kids will act when either me or my wife's time comes. We have raised them to be independent, but they have always acted as if the cannot do anything important without involving us. I truly worry about them and how they may react.
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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This is such a warm and comfortable feeling story. I was not around when either of my parents died. I remember when my middle sister died, she had been my mom's rock when she started to deteriorate. My mother never recovered from that and we all knew her end was near. I cannot even begin to imagine how my kids will act when either me or my wife's time comes. We have raised them to be independent, but they have always acted as if the cannot do anything important without involving us. I truly worry about them and how they may react.
Comment Written 26-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you for reading, your comments, and all the stars!
The loss of one's parents leaves a hole that can never be filled. The only way I made it through was that the family united and pulled together and we all comforted each other. Also, my faith in Life Hereafter is very strong so I live with the promise of seeing all my loved ones again.
Blessings, irish
Comment from Paul McFarland
This is a great story and right up my alley. I'm a little slow on some things, so the lemon cucumbers have got me confused. Can you help me out here?
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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This is a great story and right up my alley. I'm a little slow on some things, so the lemon cucumbers have got me confused. Can you help me out here?
Comment Written 25-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you for reading, your kind comments, and all the stars!
Lemon Cucumbers are grown on a vine just like regular green cucs, but they are round, yellow, and have stickers on the outside--but so do the greenies--Yellow cucs are delicious! You can buy the seeds and plants at almost any plant nursery.
Thanks again, iriish