She Steals Into My Mind
Being with her would have been wrong.6 total reviews
Comment from jaded831
It is terrible to want to take a drink and can't. It takes self control, but you may be better off, drink to much, and you are sorry for it. Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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It is terrible to want to take a drink and can't. It takes self control, but you may be better off, drink to much, and you are sorry for it. Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Have to agree that fantasy is at times better than reality. Thanks for the read and feedback. Appreciated.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
I can feel the heart wrenching passion through your words. I have experienced that before, and it is exciting yet exhausting. Such a difficult position to be in. We, men especially, are typically weak when it comes to something like this anyway.
I really like your poem I did have a bit of a problem with so much repetition of the last two lines. But that did not alter my rating. I just think you might re-think that part of this piece.
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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I can feel the heart wrenching passion through your words. I have experienced that before, and it is exciting yet exhausting. Such a difficult position to be in. We, men especially, are typically weak when it comes to something like this anyway.
I really like your poem I did have a bit of a problem with so much repetition of the last two lines. But that did not alter my rating. I just think you might re-think that part of this piece.
Comment Written 20-May-2022
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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Thanks for your read and your suggestion. I will certainly consider it.
Comment from Paul McFarland
I think one repetitive line per stanza will work sometime, but two is stretching it a little. You have picked a very good topic. Being a retired high school teacher, I was confronted with beautiful young girls every day. I never strayed.
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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I think one repetitive line per stanza will work sometime, but two is stretching it a little. You have picked a very good topic. Being a retired high school teacher, I was confronted with beautiful young girls every day. I never strayed.
Comment Written 20-May-2022
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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Thanks for the review.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A sweet memory of that one girl who got away and your muse worked overtime here, fine rhymes with no particular metre, I enjoyed the sentiments here, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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A sweet memory of that one girl who got away and your muse worked overtime here, fine rhymes with no particular metre, I enjoyed the sentiments here, love Dolly x
Comment Written 20-May-2022
reply by the author on 20-May-2022
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Thank you for your read and review. Actually, a cooler head prevailed.
Comment from dellsworthpoet
An interesting poem. The poem stays on point. It fills the requirements of the contest. The flow is fair. The word choice is good.
Suggestion:
The first verse sets up an expectation of rhymed couplets which is dissolved in the rest of the poem. Perhaps labeling this as prologue and setting it off might help.
There are other possibilities: write two couplet verses and have the two line refrain be like a song refrain after each verse. This would be aabb xx ccdd xx type rhyme scheme. Or changing first verse to also have last 2 lines same as the rest.
Also I noted that once instead of "pink" you used "red". If you wish to be sure people see the temptation growing the last verse might have "ruby" making each repeat a more sexual laden word.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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An interesting poem. The poem stays on point. It fills the requirements of the contest. The flow is fair. The word choice is good.
Suggestion:
The first verse sets up an expectation of rhymed couplets which is dissolved in the rest of the poem. Perhaps labeling this as prologue and setting it off might help.
There are other possibilities: write two couplet verses and have the two line refrain be like a song refrain after each verse. This would be aabb xx ccdd xx type rhyme scheme. Or changing first verse to also have last 2 lines same as the rest.
Also I noted that once instead of "pink" you used "red". If you wish to be sure people see the temptation growing the last verse might have "ruby" making each repeat a more sexual laden word.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 19-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Thank you for the read and the excellent suggestions. I will edit.
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
That is a perfect case of temptation. The girl in the picture is lovely. And the picture goes great with the story. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thankfully, if true, the person did the right thing and restrained himself. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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That is a perfect case of temptation. The girl in the picture is lovely. And the picture goes great with the story. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thankfully, if true, the person did the right thing and restrained himself. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Thank you for the read and feedback.
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You are welcome.
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Thank you for your read and feedback.
