Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Our Bloodline"From one life to another
4 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This story drew me into your believable world.
I liked: the ratio of dialogue to narrative, I found it balanced and you used it well. It moved the plot along and provided insights into peoples' moods.
I disliked: slight sloppiness in the writing. e.g. 'Giselle rises out of the corner of my eye' she is not actually in your eye, as written here.
Also, there are a few grammar issues that need fixing e.g. comma misuse and there/their confusion
reply by the author on 25-May-2022
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This story drew me into your believable world.
I liked: the ratio of dialogue to narrative, I found it balanced and you used it well. It moved the plot along and provided insights into peoples' moods.
I disliked: slight sloppiness in the writing. e.g. 'Giselle rises out of the corner of my eye' she is not actually in your eye, as written here.
Also, there are a few grammar issues that need fixing e.g. comma misuse and there/their confusion
Comment Written 25-May-2022
reply by the author on 25-May-2022
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Thank you for your feedback Katherine M.Kean. Stay tuned for another two chapters next month.
Comment from Fleedleflump
The dialogue throughout this is excellent, conveying both character and plot, but remaining plausible and natural-sounding. You're also good at including small actions within the dialogue to help paint a visual.
The recurring issue I noted is your tendency to tell us how people are feeling, which undermines the work you've already done with actions and descriptions, and also takes us out of the main character's head, which damages immersion. If we only know what he knows, and interpret events along with him, it draws us into the tale.
Detailed thoughts below.
Comments and spag notes:
'I look to my Aunt, who is as confused as I am. Our gaze turns to Livius,' - 'gaze turns' should be 'gazes turn' as there are two of you. Also, if this is from the narrator's PoV, how does he know his Aunt is confused? You could say 'I glance at my Aunt, who looks as confused as me' - that way, we stay inside the main character's head.
Same goes for the next bit:
'"Is this real?" Iona asks, taken aback by this information.' - rather than telling us she's taken aback it could be shown in her reaction - '"Is this real?" Iona asks, her eyes wide.'
'Her words are missing there, usual ire.' - wrong 'there and the comma is unnecessary:
'Her words are missing thier usual ire.'
'Standing, Aunt Iona crosses her arms, unafraid of Livius.' - we don't need 'unafraid of Livius' because your description of her action and pose already do a great job of telling us that.
'Your niece and that pale pet of yours included.' - missing speech marks at the end.
'Once his hypocrisy hits him, Livius looks down with a sigh.' - I think you can remove 'Once his hypocrisy hits him' because his actions and words lead us to this conclusion along with the main character.
'nd I'll dispatch messengers by tomorrow.' - missing speech marks at the end.
'The grim reality suffocates her' - you can avoid leaving the MC's head by tweaking this to: 'The grim reality seems to suffocate her'
'"Your right Colton Catos the one at fault here.' - wrong 'your, and needs some punctuation:
'"You're right, Colton. Cato's the one at fault here.'
'Iona huffs, unimpressed by Livius's words,' - another example of Iona's reaction being enough on its own to tell us she's unimpressed. This could just be 'Iona huffs.'
'Her words were angry,' - should be 'are' rather than 'were' to retain the present tense.
'As we leave a sense of dread enveloping us,' - needs a comma after 'leave' or it reads as though they're leaving the sense of dread itself.
I hope that helps, and please don't be offended. This is a good story and I want to help :-)
Mike
reply by the author on 25-May-2022
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The dialogue throughout this is excellent, conveying both character and plot, but remaining plausible and natural-sounding. You're also good at including small actions within the dialogue to help paint a visual.
The recurring issue I noted is your tendency to tell us how people are feeling, which undermines the work you've already done with actions and descriptions, and also takes us out of the main character's head, which damages immersion. If we only know what he knows, and interpret events along with him, it draws us into the tale.
Detailed thoughts below.
Comments and spag notes:
'I look to my Aunt, who is as confused as I am. Our gaze turns to Livius,' - 'gaze turns' should be 'gazes turn' as there are two of you. Also, if this is from the narrator's PoV, how does he know his Aunt is confused? You could say 'I glance at my Aunt, who looks as confused as me' - that way, we stay inside the main character's head.
Same goes for the next bit:
'"Is this real?" Iona asks, taken aback by this information.' - rather than telling us she's taken aback it could be shown in her reaction - '"Is this real?" Iona asks, her eyes wide.'
'Her words are missing there, usual ire.' - wrong 'there and the comma is unnecessary:
'Her words are missing thier usual ire.'
'Standing, Aunt Iona crosses her arms, unafraid of Livius.' - we don't need 'unafraid of Livius' because your description of her action and pose already do a great job of telling us that.
'Your niece and that pale pet of yours included.' - missing speech marks at the end.
'Once his hypocrisy hits him, Livius looks down with a sigh.' - I think you can remove 'Once his hypocrisy hits him' because his actions and words lead us to this conclusion along with the main character.
'nd I'll dispatch messengers by tomorrow.' - missing speech marks at the end.
'The grim reality suffocates her' - you can avoid leaving the MC's head by tweaking this to: 'The grim reality seems to suffocate her'
'"Your right Colton Catos the one at fault here.' - wrong 'your, and needs some punctuation:
'"You're right, Colton. Cato's the one at fault here.'
'Iona huffs, unimpressed by Livius's words,' - another example of Iona's reaction being enough on its own to tell us she's unimpressed. This could just be 'Iona huffs.'
'Her words were angry,' - should be 'are' rather than 'were' to retain the present tense.
'As we leave a sense of dread enveloping us,' - needs a comma after 'leave' or it reads as though they're leaving the sense of dread itself.
I hope that helps, and please don't be offended. This is a good story and I want to help :-)
Mike
Comment Written 25-May-2022
reply by the author on 25-May-2022
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Hello Feedleflump, don't worry. The feedback you're providing doesn't offend me in the slightest. It's beneficial. Now I know what to look for when I do my editing.
Thank you, and stay tuned for another two chapters next month.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I like the set up that the story is taking. It provides valuable background to the nature of the armed force.
But any companies worth their salt are far and in-between. - 'far' in between?
They're little more than bandit's Hunter. - comma after 'bandit's', but no apostrophe
"Your right Colton - you're
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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I like the set up that the story is taking. It provides valuable background to the nature of the armed force.
But any companies worth their salt are far and in-between. - 'far' in between?
They're little more than bandit's Hunter. - comma after 'bandit's', but no apostrophe
"Your right Colton - you're
Best wishes.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Thank you for the feedback, Wayne Fowler.
Comment from prettybluebirds
I like the story. It maybe could use a few more descriptions but it is okay the way it is. The dialogue is what makes the story and you have done a great job with that. I will watch for more of this story.
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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I like the story. It maybe could use a few more descriptions but it is okay the way it is. The dialogue is what makes the story and you have done a great job with that. I will watch for more of this story.
Comment Written 20-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work, Prettybluebirds. I try to post two chapters a month, so stay tuned.