Tanka Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Lying on Damp Sheets"Romantic Tanka Poems
14 total reviews
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi Gypsy, your poem is filled with high and low emotions.
Of special note:
we both yearn for a good catch.
(Well done, well said)
G, your poem speaks volumes. This is a case of less being more ...
more+. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. LateBloomer
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022
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Hi Gypsy, your poem is filled with high and low emotions.
Of special note:
we both yearn for a good catch.
(Well done, well said)
G, your poem speaks volumes. This is a case of less being more ...
more+. As this is a contest entry, I wish you good luck. LateBloomer
Comment Written 05-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022
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Thank you very much. I appreciate your excellent review. Hugs.
Gypsy
"Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason." - Novalis
Comment from Mark Schardine
Lying on damp sheets
stained with loneness and bad wine
When a person knows that no one will appear, there remains nothing to to do but accept sorrow, even despair.
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Lying on damp sheets
stained with loneness and bad wine
When a person knows that no one will appear, there remains nothing to to do but accept sorrow, even despair.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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Thank you very much for thoughtful review and feedback. I hope you are having a great weekend.
Gypsy Blue Rose
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
Comment from tfawcus
A telling counterbalance of sexual entrapment in the top half against sexual freedom in the lower half of this tanka. Most evocative. I followed your links to find out a little more about this fascinating form; one that I've never attempted. Here, however, is a tentative offering:
I read your tanka,
admiration overspilled
my sheet, each word smudged
with tears for the cathouse girl
imprisoned by loneliness
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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A telling counterbalance of sexual entrapment in the top half against sexual freedom in the lower half of this tanka. Most evocative. I followed your links to find out a little more about this fascinating form; one that I've never attempted. Here, however, is a tentative offering:
I read your tanka,
admiration overspilled
my sheet, each word smudged
with tears for the cathouse girl
imprisoned by loneliness
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thank you, Tony. I appreciate your exceptional review, stellar six stars, and kind words. The Tanka rules and forms are flexible. Even in Japanese contemporary tanka doesn't adhere to the basic 5/7/5/7/7 pattern. I checked reputable tanka sites and books, and most of them are less than 31 syllables. Part of this is that Japanese syllables are shorter than English syllables so following the 5/7/5/7/7 sometimes is too wordy. The main idea is t keep it as brief as possible without sacrificing the essence; it should not sound like a telegram. You understood my tanka's meaning well.
I like your modern tanka. The meaning is clear and well-executed. To improve the flow, I always connect the lines grammatically, except for the satori preceded by a dash. This is what I mean....
I read your tanka
with awe and admiration --
my sheet, each word smudged
with tears for the cathouse girl
imprisoned by loneliness
I appreciate that you took the time to read and review my tanka :)
gypsy hugs, my friend,
Comment from lyenochka
I wonder what the "good catch" is but I know for the street cats, it may mean the right partner. Unfortunately for cats, it's multiple partners and no help from the males afterwards. Lol. Poor narrator who is yearning for the right catch.
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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I wonder what the "good catch" is but I know for the street cats, it may mean the right partner. Unfortunately for cats, it's multiple partners and no help from the males afterwards. Lol. Poor narrator who is yearning for the right catch.
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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yes, it's about a woman lying on her bed tossing and turning not able to sleep, the sheets are wet with sweat and she dropped someone she was drinking alone. She is lonely not having been found the right partner or 'catch'... the cat and catch or the woman and catch references on finding the right man or cat. I am sorry it was not clear to you. I based this lightly on my inability to find the right life partner. Sometimes I have a hard time going to sleep thinking about stuff ... lately wondering if I will ever find the right man.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my poem. I appreciate your kind feedback. Take care, Helen.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from royowen
I guess if the servant won't wash the sheets, then what does one do? A beautifully provocative post Gypsy, it is a great idea to use the tanka in the way it was meant to be used. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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I guess if the servant won't wash the sheets, then what does one do? A beautifully provocative post Gypsy, it is a great idea to use the tanka in the way it was meant to be used. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you very much, Roy. I appreciate the insightful review and kind words.
Gypsy hugs
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Well done
Comment from Gert sherwood
Gypsy
I like your tanks damp sheets Tears from being lonely.
the cat and the lonely one waiting to be caught and loved and no more being alone.
Gert
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Gypsy
I like your tanks damp sheets Tears from being lonely.
the cat and the lonely one waiting to be caught and loved and no more being alone.
Gert
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you very much, Gert. I hope you are doing well.
Gypsy hugs
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Gypsy you are most welcome.
What help me to stay well the folks here on fanstory reading my writings and enjoy reading their writings.
Gert
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
We are just like animals who want a mate to share our life with and the loneliness felt is the same, a poignant and melancholy write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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We are just like animals who want a mate to share our life with and the loneliness felt is the same, a poignant and melancholy write, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you very much for your kind review.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from karenina
You shatter the myth that the Tanka is a rather aloof observational point of view.
It's powerfully emotive and you've stained it with just the right hues to flow beyond all barriers and touch our hearts.
Karenina
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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You shatter the myth that the Tanka is a rather aloof observational point of view.
It's powerfully emotive and you've stained it with just the right hues to flow beyond all barriers and touch our hearts.
Karenina
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you very much for your kind review, karenina. Tanka is the poetry of lovers :)
Gypsy hugs
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It is NOW!
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I was wondering if the dampness of the sheets were from tears. And this report speaks of loneliness. Good use of similes and metaphors and personification. Well written.
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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I was wondering if the dampness of the sheets were from tears. And this report speaks of loneliness. Good use of similes and metaphors and personification. Well written.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you, Liz, it's always good to hear from you and your insightful feedback. ♡
Gypsy hugs
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***hugs***
Comment from Whitewave
Gypsy Blue Rose,
Clever and down to earth - or perhaps I should say, down to damp sheets. Your lovely TANKA poem speaks to the primal need in all of us, in all of nature - deep connection, intimacy, a trusted companion to share the wine and warm the damp sheets. I can see the longing in the eyes of the woman, searching for that good catch, while the eyes of the catch portray a loneliness - almost no hope - deep inside.
(Perhaps the 4th line has a tad more than 7 syllables? - but doesn't spoil your verse.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Gypsy Blue Rose,
Clever and down to earth - or perhaps I should say, down to damp sheets. Your lovely TANKA poem speaks to the primal need in all of us, in all of nature - deep connection, intimacy, a trusted companion to share the wine and warm the damp sheets. I can see the longing in the eyes of the woman, searching for that good catch, while the eyes of the catch portray a loneliness - almost no hope - deep inside.
(Perhaps the 4th line has a tad more than 7 syllables? - but doesn't spoil your verse.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you, I appreciate the exceptional kind review and your insightful feedback. ♡
Gypsy hugs