Tucker at Poker Night (Part-3)
Big-time poker night at the Trocadero33 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hey Ric!
So, Farnsworth don't play around. He's a honcho with a vast underworld at his disposal.
Random Thoughts:
---"protectors sandwiched the building's outer entranceway like frowning bookends" --This is one of your awesome descriptions. You have quite a talent with putting words together to describe something. You will probably disagree, but I see a poet in you. You've got the artform mastered. You just need the craft part. Food for thought, right?
---Big Heavy --What a great name for a main bodyguard. Sometimes characters just name themselves!
---"Human sacrifices, unwittingly advancing to financial doom." --Great way to describe the millions of people all over the world that bankrupt themselves just the catch a whiff of the action that they inevitably always lose.
---"Teeth tumbled out of his mouth like bowling pins scattering to an adjacent alley." --Oh yeah, the best one yet! (See above comment about your descriptions.)
---"Appalling is the irrational evil bubbling within such beautiful creatures." --Excellent! The inversion you used in this sentence by starting it with the direct object of the verb makes all the difference.
---"Almost unrecognizable with her new makeover, Tammy Jo rivaled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet." --Yay! Tammy!
---"He rubbed her exposed back, his hands sliding down to squeeze her waist, easing toward her bottom." --Booooo! No!
---"Farnsworth the manipulator, had intentionally been pushing Tucker's buttons for days, and Tucker was edging toward ballistic. " --Dude needs to binge-watch "Die Hard" for a weekend to know what happens when you mess with John McClane's woman.
---You Albert King song was a great touch to reinforce the point. Well done!
---"the guy's neck snapped like a crisp carrot" --Okay, with the horse-racing references in the last part and the poker in this one, I must keep with the ambiance and say this: with this phrase and the other two mentioned above, you hit the trifecta! And you say you are no poet. "Crisp carrot?" Come on, Ric! Own it, homie! *laughs*
---Nice ending the chapter on a cliffhanger. Those Jimmy Choo boots have become the harbinger of doom!
Just a couple things I noticed:
---"sat a dead[-]ringer for Amber Heard. --Hyphen, here. Compound noun.
---"elegant gold[-]sequined dress split" --Hyphen here as well. Compound adjective.
---"once I figured out, I wasn't dreaming," --Comma should be removed.
I love your style, Ric! I have gotten use to it now. It has a cadence that is all yours. I hope to get the Part 4 today or tomorrow. I have to see what kind of assault we are in for. Can't leave poor Tammy hangin' around in danger. Especially on the arm of that megalomaniacal cretin Farnsworth.
Patrick
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2024
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Hey Ric!
So, Farnsworth don't play around. He's a honcho with a vast underworld at his disposal.
Random Thoughts:
---"protectors sandwiched the building's outer entranceway like frowning bookends" --This is one of your awesome descriptions. You have quite a talent with putting words together to describe something. You will probably disagree, but I see a poet in you. You've got the artform mastered. You just need the craft part. Food for thought, right?
---Big Heavy --What a great name for a main bodyguard. Sometimes characters just name themselves!
---"Human sacrifices, unwittingly advancing to financial doom." --Great way to describe the millions of people all over the world that bankrupt themselves just the catch a whiff of the action that they inevitably always lose.
---"Teeth tumbled out of his mouth like bowling pins scattering to an adjacent alley." --Oh yeah, the best one yet! (See above comment about your descriptions.)
---"Appalling is the irrational evil bubbling within such beautiful creatures." --Excellent! The inversion you used in this sentence by starting it with the direct object of the verb makes all the difference.
---"Almost unrecognizable with her new makeover, Tammy Jo rivaled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet." --Yay! Tammy!
---"He rubbed her exposed back, his hands sliding down to squeeze her waist, easing toward her bottom." --Booooo! No!
---"Farnsworth the manipulator, had intentionally been pushing Tucker's buttons for days, and Tucker was edging toward ballistic. " --Dude needs to binge-watch "Die Hard" for a weekend to know what happens when you mess with John McClane's woman.
---You Albert King song was a great touch to reinforce the point. Well done!
---"the guy's neck snapped like a crisp carrot" --Okay, with the horse-racing references in the last part and the poker in this one, I must keep with the ambiance and say this: with this phrase and the other two mentioned above, you hit the trifecta! And you say you are no poet. "Crisp carrot?" Come on, Ric! Own it, homie! *laughs*
---Nice ending the chapter on a cliffhanger. Those Jimmy Choo boots have become the harbinger of doom!
Just a couple things I noticed:
---"sat a dead[-]ringer for Amber Heard. --Hyphen, here. Compound noun.
---"elegant gold[-]sequined dress split" --Hyphen here as well. Compound adjective.
---"once I figured out, I wasn't dreaming," --Comma should be removed.
I love your style, Ric! I have gotten use to it now. It has a cadence that is all yours. I hope to get the Part 4 today or tomorrow. I have to see what kind of assault we are in for. Can't leave poor Tammy hangin' around in danger. Especially on the arm of that megalomaniacal cretin Farnsworth.
Patrick
Comment Written 14-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much, Patrick, for your kind words, generous review, and comments. And also your suggestions that point out my host of mess ups. LOL. I warned you that I write fast and don't do much proofreading or correcting. If I had to re-read and polish worrying about every little nit, I'd quit. But even I should never let such careless blunders as these slip past me. I just read right through them. I certainly appreciate all the time you spend. Maybe you can shame me into trying harder. Thanks for all your encouragement! Ric
Comment from Tom Horonzy
So here I am thinking a take is going down for the 2.? million in the hold. Wrong or right, I will move with delight to Chap four now. How far will I go? Only God knows, cause I don't
reply by the author on 20-May-2024
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So here I am thinking a take is going down for the 2.? million in the hold. Wrong or right, I will move with delight to Chap four now. How far will I go? Only God knows, cause I don't
Comment Written 20-May-2024
reply by the author on 20-May-2024
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Well, you've already gone farther than I ever figured. So, I hope that's because it's entertaining enough to keep your interest. It's most just action, but I've tried to keep in enough substance to give it some shadowing. I can't thank you enough for going this far for no reward. :-)
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Yes
I like the series
Keep in mind Any comment made is in the attempt to reach 150 characters
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Hey, I hope it entertains you a bit. But I'm a big boy and realize that it's not for everyone. LOL. I appreciate you spending all this time on something that offers nothing in return. :-)
Comment from irishauthorme
Good action chapter! Liked the "immaculately coiffured bush," priceless!
Tucker really came to life in this chapter, I got a better picture of him through his thoughts.
Your description of the 'girl-studded' night at the Trocadero reminded me of my years working at the casinos in Reno, Nevada, and at those at South Lake Tahoe. Moonlighted as a waiter at some of the VIP's private parties, same scenario as you described, rich suckers taken for a ride.
irish
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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Good action chapter! Liked the "immaculately coiffured bush," priceless!
Tucker really came to life in this chapter, I got a better picture of him through his thoughts.
Your description of the 'girl-studded' night at the Trocadero reminded me of my years working at the casinos in Reno, Nevada, and at those at South Lake Tahoe. Moonlighted as a waiter at some of the VIP's private parties, same scenario as you described, rich suckers taken for a ride.
irish
Comment Written 22-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
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Yes, sir, brother, the best entertainment in the world, watching big mouth know-it-all rich pricks getting it stuck to them without even recognizing what's happening. LOL. I'm anxious to read some of your stories about working at the casinos. Tucker is just a good ol' country boy, and Farnsworth has always been rich from birth. I think chapter one builds their characters best, and hopefully it's told in a comical way. At least to the best of my ability. LOL. Thanks for reading. I appreciate YOU and all the time you've spent!
Comment from Sally Law
I love describing words and rich character descriptions. You went to the max with this fine chapter. Sorry to be so late, I was at the beach on a soak. Congratulations on such an accomplishment. Another nomination coming on the wind!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally XOs
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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I love describing words and rich character descriptions. You went to the max with this fine chapter. Sorry to be so late, I was at the beach on a soak. Congratulations on such an accomplishment. Another nomination coming on the wind!
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally XOs
Comment Written 23-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Sally, my dear, I hope you all had a wonderful time at the beach, and avoided all the little Covid creatures mingling in the sand beside you. LOL. I'm so happy and honored whenever such talented writers as you take time to even read my foolishness, but to bless me with a chartreuse plus sign to boot, will make me smile for a week. Thanks for your constant kindness and encouragement! I appreciate YOU! Ric
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Always my sincere pleasure. It is a joy to watch you grow in both talent and confidence. :))
Comment from Fleedleflump
Rating updated after edits.
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This barrels along at a great pace. Love some of the humorous comparisons used for descriptions (one of my favourite tools). I do think there are quite a few issues with punctuation and logic. I get the impression you wrote this very quickly, trying to keep up with the ideas as they came to you. The dialogue is excellent - plausible, character-driven and expressive, and the story flows way better when you're writing conversations.
Also, it was a lot of fun!
Thoughts as I was reading - hopefully some help. Some of the below happens more than I've annotated but you'll get the gist. Please feel free to ignore!
'Tires spinning and gravel flying, he slid into a front slot by the door.' - if the car's sliding, surely the wheels/tires won't be spinning?
'His bald, sweaty-black head' - the dash makes it sound as though sweat is what was making his head black - could be removed for clarity.
'In smoky shadows of the darkest corner Farnsworth' - suggest a 'the' before 'smoky' and also a comma after 'corner'
'Big Heavy retaliated landing a vicious overhand right.' - needs a comma after 'retaliated'
'Then, his head hit the floor' - doesn't need the comma
'Lifeless, he lay flat on his back in a distant stare.' - sounds as though he's physically in a stare. Suggest 'with a distant stare'
'dead ringer for Amber Hurd' - was the mis-spelling of her surname intentional?
'Tucker pretended not to notice. Probably thinking the detailed grooming was intended to deter attention from razor-sharp teeth hidden in pink, awaiting an unsuspecting, and soon to be, unfortunate intruder grasping for his cropped manhood. Appalling is the irrational evil bubbling within such beautiful creatures.' - this whole paragraph needs a rework - I can make sense of it, but only with some mental gymnastics.
'Both bordering tables of flesh-peddling hotties sparkled from glittering accents of pearl necklaces, chains, rings, and a bevy of bracelets: bangles, interlocking tennis, hoops, and enough diamonds to start their own mine. Darling dates ready to do the nasty--no priming necessary--just affording wallets brimming in scratch and a willingness to fork-out such humongous trespassing fees.' - this one too. I think it could be spread out into more sentences to make it more descriptive.
'Farnsworth entered the room to applauding cheers.' - maybe needs to be 'applause and cheers'
'Repeatedly tipping his head and waving as he turned, smiled, and pointed to acknowledge every observer possible.' - needs a 'he' before 'smiled'
'The open neckline plunged below her breast cleavage exposing most of the dual package.' - needs a comma after cleavage.
'Almost unrecognizable, Tammy Jo's makeover rivaled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet.' - makes it sound as though her makeover was unrecognisable, rather than her. Perhaps 'Almost unrecognizable with a new makeover, Tammy Jo rivalled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet.'
'Tucker was obviously shocked and furious, gritting his teeth, jaws clenched and twitching.' - we don't need to be told he's furious because we're in his PoV. Perhaps 'Tucker gritted his teeth, jaws clenched and twitching.'
'He had since metamorphosed from stewing brat to Mr. Personality.' - the 'since' can be removed because the previous sentence already established time has passed and there's been a transition.
'His beaming smile more captivating than a toothpaste-commercial model spitting digital glitter.' - this isn't a sentence at the moment. Put a 'was' after 'smile' and it's fixed. Also, the next sentences are following on from this, giving more examples and expressions, so it might be better to use ... between rather than full stops.
'and stepped back. Unaware of the dangerous' - should all be one sentence with a comma rather than a full stop.
'Farnsworth the manipulator, had intentionally, for days, pushed Tucker's buttons. Tucker edging toward ballistic.' - feels like it should also be one sentence. Perhaps 'Farnsworth, manipulator, had intentionally been pushing Tucker's buttons for days, and Tucker was edging toward ballistic.'
'sat three statuesque Rottweilers, heads, and bodies motionless' - second comma needs to come out for flow.
'Their dark-brown almond-shaped eyes never stopping as they scanned every attendees' moves.' - for this to be a standalone sentence, 'stopping' needs to be 'stopped'
'T.D. guffawed at his humor.' - no need for the 'at his humor' since there's not other reason he'd be laughing.
It feels odd that Tucker watches someone get murdered and can't excuse himself in time, then spends much of the evening wandering around without really reacting, and without anyone else reacting to his having seen it.
'sights. Watching off-the-wall characters' - would work better with a comma than a full stop.
'makeshift bar with a good view. Angled front and center to the poker tables' - same again, feels like one sentence with a full stop inserted rather than a comma.
I hope that helps.
Mike
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Rating updated after edits.
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This barrels along at a great pace. Love some of the humorous comparisons used for descriptions (one of my favourite tools). I do think there are quite a few issues with punctuation and logic. I get the impression you wrote this very quickly, trying to keep up with the ideas as they came to you. The dialogue is excellent - plausible, character-driven and expressive, and the story flows way better when you're writing conversations.
Also, it was a lot of fun!
Thoughts as I was reading - hopefully some help. Some of the below happens more than I've annotated but you'll get the gist. Please feel free to ignore!
'Tires spinning and gravel flying, he slid into a front slot by the door.' - if the car's sliding, surely the wheels/tires won't be spinning?
'His bald, sweaty-black head' - the dash makes it sound as though sweat is what was making his head black - could be removed for clarity.
'In smoky shadows of the darkest corner Farnsworth' - suggest a 'the' before 'smoky' and also a comma after 'corner'
'Big Heavy retaliated landing a vicious overhand right.' - needs a comma after 'retaliated'
'Then, his head hit the floor' - doesn't need the comma
'Lifeless, he lay flat on his back in a distant stare.' - sounds as though he's physically in a stare. Suggest 'with a distant stare'
'dead ringer for Amber Hurd' - was the mis-spelling of her surname intentional?
'Tucker pretended not to notice. Probably thinking the detailed grooming was intended to deter attention from razor-sharp teeth hidden in pink, awaiting an unsuspecting, and soon to be, unfortunate intruder grasping for his cropped manhood. Appalling is the irrational evil bubbling within such beautiful creatures.' - this whole paragraph needs a rework - I can make sense of it, but only with some mental gymnastics.
'Both bordering tables of flesh-peddling hotties sparkled from glittering accents of pearl necklaces, chains, rings, and a bevy of bracelets: bangles, interlocking tennis, hoops, and enough diamonds to start their own mine. Darling dates ready to do the nasty--no priming necessary--just affording wallets brimming in scratch and a willingness to fork-out such humongous trespassing fees.' - this one too. I think it could be spread out into more sentences to make it more descriptive.
'Farnsworth entered the room to applauding cheers.' - maybe needs to be 'applause and cheers'
'Repeatedly tipping his head and waving as he turned, smiled, and pointed to acknowledge every observer possible.' - needs a 'he' before 'smiled'
'The open neckline plunged below her breast cleavage exposing most of the dual package.' - needs a comma after cleavage.
'Almost unrecognizable, Tammy Jo's makeover rivaled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet.' - makes it sound as though her makeover was unrecognisable, rather than her. Perhaps 'Almost unrecognizable with a new makeover, Tammy Jo rivalled any Hollywood starlet parading the red carpet.'
'Tucker was obviously shocked and furious, gritting his teeth, jaws clenched and twitching.' - we don't need to be told he's furious because we're in his PoV. Perhaps 'Tucker gritted his teeth, jaws clenched and twitching.'
'He had since metamorphosed from stewing brat to Mr. Personality.' - the 'since' can be removed because the previous sentence already established time has passed and there's been a transition.
'His beaming smile more captivating than a toothpaste-commercial model spitting digital glitter.' - this isn't a sentence at the moment. Put a 'was' after 'smile' and it's fixed. Also, the next sentences are following on from this, giving more examples and expressions, so it might be better to use ... between rather than full stops.
'and stepped back. Unaware of the dangerous' - should all be one sentence with a comma rather than a full stop.
'Farnsworth the manipulator, had intentionally, for days, pushed Tucker's buttons. Tucker edging toward ballistic.' - feels like it should also be one sentence. Perhaps 'Farnsworth, manipulator, had intentionally been pushing Tucker's buttons for days, and Tucker was edging toward ballistic.'
'sat three statuesque Rottweilers, heads, and bodies motionless' - second comma needs to come out for flow.
'Their dark-brown almond-shaped eyes never stopping as they scanned every attendees' moves.' - for this to be a standalone sentence, 'stopping' needs to be 'stopped'
'T.D. guffawed at his humor.' - no need for the 'at his humor' since there's not other reason he'd be laughing.
It feels odd that Tucker watches someone get murdered and can't excuse himself in time, then spends much of the evening wandering around without really reacting, and without anyone else reacting to his having seen it.
'sights. Watching off-the-wall characters' - would work better with a comma than a full stop.
'makeshift bar with a good view. Angled front and center to the poker tables' - same again, feels like one sentence with a full stop inserted rather than a comma.
I hope that helps.
Mike
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thanks, Mike, for the review and all the time you spent offering so many suggestions. The Amber Hurd misspelling was intentional, but right now, it doesn't seem as funny as it was to me at the time. The character is in a physical stare. And its isn't written in Tucker's point of view. You made a lot of good points. They are greatly appreciated, and I will make some changes. But I'm from the Lawrence Block school of writing, where he asks how can anyone tell a person where punctuation belongs in a sentence when only the writer knows how he wants it to be read and sound? LOL. And please don't take that wrong, I sincerely appreciate all your efforts! Thanks again.
Comment from PSYCHLOPS
I learned some new words reading this one hahaha. Innuendo was my favorite. Very intense moments here. I imagine heavy cigar smoke in the room for some reason lol
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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I learned some new words reading this one hahaha. Innuendo was my favorite. Very intense moments here. I imagine heavy cigar smoke in the room for some reason lol
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
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Thank you so much, Psychlops, for your kind words and generous review. I'm guessing there was plenty of smoke of all kinds, depending on what corners the people were hanging out in. LOL. Much appreciated!
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! YOu are the master of tension! I love the slow build-up while you develop incrementally the opposing energies of Tucker and Farnsworth. A great job, Ric; maybe with just a tad too much adjectivizing, but that's a small concern with placed beside the strenths of your writing.
He had since metamorphosized [I think the preferred is "metamorphosed"]
And she said he lost his whole head
trying to find a little piece of tail [That's funny!]
"in the fancy half-circle V.I.P. both." [... "V.I.P booth." I know it's just a typo.]
]
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Wow! YOu are the master of tension! I love the slow build-up while you develop incrementally the opposing energies of Tucker and Farnsworth. A great job, Ric; maybe with just a tad too much adjectivizing, but that's a small concern with placed beside the strenths of your writing.
He had since metamorphosized [I think the preferred is "metamorphosed"]
And she said he lost his whole head
trying to find a little piece of tail [That's funny!]
"in the fancy half-circle V.I.P. both." [... "V.I.P booth." I know it's just a typo.]
]
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thank you, Jay, for taking time to read another of my intended farces. Overexaggerated, simile laden, and adjectivized spoofs. I appreciate your generous review, kinds words, and suggestions. Just a way for an old boy to entertain himself. Much appreciated!
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That's more than self-entertainment, Ric. You have a gift and a lot of fans, happy that you are sharing it!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was amazing! I've never been in one of those places, not because I don't want to go and have a look, but we don't have any anywhere near me. London is probably the best bet. The discriptions you put really let me see the people, the women with their 'show everyone what you had for breakfast dresses, and the men with muscles a girl could drool over. Tucker has certainly seen some action their tonight, a murder and it looks like there will be more in the next part. Those beefy, cowboy booted, monsters walking all around, are obviously not there to play, but too win without playing! Hmm, there's going to be a lot more action again in the next part! Well done, Ric, brilliant chapter. Love and hugs, Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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That was amazing! I've never been in one of those places, not because I don't want to go and have a look, but we don't have any anywhere near me. London is probably the best bet. The discriptions you put really let me see the people, the women with their 'show everyone what you had for breakfast dresses, and the men with muscles a girl could drool over. Tucker has certainly seen some action their tonight, a murder and it looks like there will be more in the next part. Those beefy, cowboy booted, monsters walking all around, are obviously not there to play, but too win without playing! Hmm, there's going to be a lot more action again in the next part! Well done, Ric, brilliant chapter. Love and hugs, Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thank you so much, Sandra, for your extra-special six-star review and kind words. This is just how an old boy entertains himself with an overexaggerated, simile laden, adjectivized spoof. When he's too old and broke down to do it anymore. A little believable, yet cartoonish and hopefully fun. Some of us live through our dreams, but who could sleep through one of these nightmares. LOL. I appreciate YOU, and your encouragement.
Comment from amahra
As always with your writings, this was a great chapter. Just a couple of things below:
"Big Heavy retaliated landing a vicious [over-hand] no need for the dash [overhand] right. Nearly the circumference of the aggressor's head, Heavy's wadded fist struck the man's face harder than a sledgehammer shot from a cannon. Teeth tumbled out of his mouth like bowling pins scattering to an adjacent alley. Then, his head hit the floor, making a squishy, smushed pumpkin runover-by-a-tractor-tire sound. Lifeless, he lay flat on his back in a distant stare." [love your similes, but back-to-back ones in a blow-by-blow fight slow the effect of the action. You want to put the reader right there...just my opinion.]
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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As always with your writings, this was a great chapter. Just a couple of things below:
"Big Heavy retaliated landing a vicious [over-hand] no need for the dash [overhand] right. Nearly the circumference of the aggressor's head, Heavy's wadded fist struck the man's face harder than a sledgehammer shot from a cannon. Teeth tumbled out of his mouth like bowling pins scattering to an adjacent alley. Then, his head hit the floor, making a squishy, smushed pumpkin runover-by-a-tractor-tire sound. Lifeless, he lay flat on his back in a distant stare." [love your similes, but back-to-back ones in a blow-by-blow fight slow the effect of the action. You want to put the reader right there...just my opinion.]
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thank you so much, Amahra, for you extra-special six-star review, kind words, and suggestions. I always have to make silly mistakes (overhand or underhanded), a reminder it's me with the pen. I actually thought about your simile questions, but since I'm really trying to just write a silly farce showing goofy characters, and not really trying to create a serious action-packed dramatic scene, I was thinking they go along in keeping it cartoonish. One of the reasons I keep the graphic blood and guts and foul language to near nil. LOL. But thanks for the great advice that I'll keep in mind and pay close attention to in the future. I always appreciate your outstanding and encouraging reviews, along with the kindness they are delivered with. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from dmt1967
This is another good chapter. A bit slow at the start, in my opinion, but it picked up speed and, by the end, was like a runaway train. Thank you for sharing and take care.
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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This is another good chapter. A bit slow at the start, in my opinion, but it picked up speed and, by the end, was like a runaway train. Thank you for sharing and take care.
Comment Written 16-May-2022
reply by the author on 16-May-2022
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Thank you very much, dmt1967, for your generous review and kind words. I have to try and keep my runaway imagination in check by not letting my stories get out of control too quickly. Like never start a story from the middle, as many teach, because if I do, I never get back to setting the stage. LOL. Much appreciated!