When the Moon's at Play
A Roundabout Poem for Potlatch Poetry21 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I love your happy roundabout poem Yvonne about the magic happening 'when the moon's at play'.
This is a complex form and I see now I've missed the difference in the a and A lines. Too bad , cheers
Valda
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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I love your happy roundabout poem Yvonne about the magic happening 'when the moon's at play'.
This is a complex form and I see now I've missed the difference in the a and A lines. Too bad , cheers
Valda
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 21-May-2022
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I messed up on one rhyme. I always get something wrong. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi damommy,
Without looking at the rules for the Roundabout, I offer 5 stars because I love anything to do with magic in the forest, including fairy life under a friendly moon. Your chosen artwork compliments the poem very well, too. I happen to believe in pixies!
But a closer look at the rules, and I think your poem strays.
First of all, I don't see anything about repetition, but you have whole lines repeated in verses 1,3 and 4. Is that the way it's supposed to be? Is that what the Capital Letters mean? If so, you stray from that in verse 2.
Next, verses 2 and 4 stray from the number of feet specified.
Lines are supposed to be 4,3,2,2,3.
But verse 2 is: 4,2,2,2,3
And verse 4 is: 4,4,2,2,3
I've tried to rectify this as good as I could, though with "sprites" it's only near rhyme.
verse 2:
A happy land for forest sprites
from head right down to boots
a happy clan
woman and man
from head right down to boots
and verse 4:
So there it was, their life began
no nasty, bitter fray
contentment's rife
no daily strife
no nasty, bitter fray
I'm sure you can do better than me. This poetic form is extremely complex. I think the repetition takes away instead of adding to the content of the poem. Sometimes repetition works. Sometimes it doesn't.
For example, I want to read...
"So there it was, their life began"
(Such magic 'neath the moon)
I hope some of this helps!
Hugs,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Hi damommy,
Without looking at the rules for the Roundabout, I offer 5 stars because I love anything to do with magic in the forest, including fairy life under a friendly moon. Your chosen artwork compliments the poem very well, too. I happen to believe in pixies!
But a closer look at the rules, and I think your poem strays.
First of all, I don't see anything about repetition, but you have whole lines repeated in verses 1,3 and 4. Is that the way it's supposed to be? Is that what the Capital Letters mean? If so, you stray from that in verse 2.
Next, verses 2 and 4 stray from the number of feet specified.
Lines are supposed to be 4,3,2,2,3.
But verse 2 is: 4,2,2,2,3
And verse 4 is: 4,4,2,2,3
I've tried to rectify this as good as I could, though with "sprites" it's only near rhyme.
verse 2:
A happy land for forest sprites
from head right down to boots
a happy clan
woman and man
from head right down to boots
and verse 4:
So there it was, their life began
no nasty, bitter fray
contentment's rife
no daily strife
no nasty, bitter fray
I'm sure you can do better than me. This poetic form is extremely complex. I think the repetition takes away instead of adding to the content of the poem. Sometimes repetition works. Sometimes it doesn't.
For example, I want to read...
"So there it was, their life began"
(Such magic 'neath the moon)
I hope some of this helps!
Hugs,
Kimbob
Comment Written 17-May-2022
reply by the author on 17-May-2022
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Thanks for your review and for your critique.
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was I off base, damommy? As I said, this poetic form is so complex. I'd like to try it, but I need to understand it first.
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No, you weren't. You should give it a go.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
What a happy, fun poem for the challenge, Yvonne. I
enjoyed reading it. I love the setting, and you described
it perfectly. I could see the tiny clan appearing in the forest
when the moon is just right. I love your rhyme scheme--
esp flutes/lutes/boots/suits. Your other rhymes are great
examples of using longer words to rhyme--caravan/masterplan.
The image is perfect--makes readers want to dash out into
the forest hoping to catch a glimpse of your tiny people
enjoying life free from strife. [the tiny rhyme mixup is ok].
Thanks for sharing, Jan
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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What a happy, fun poem for the challenge, Yvonne. I
enjoyed reading it. I love the setting, and you described
it perfectly. I could see the tiny clan appearing in the forest
when the moon is just right. I love your rhyme scheme--
esp flutes/lutes/boots/suits. Your other rhymes are great
examples of using longer words to rhyme--caravan/masterplan.
The image is perfect--makes readers want to dash out into
the forest hoping to catch a glimpse of your tiny people
enjoying life free from strife. [the tiny rhyme mixup is ok].
Thanks for sharing, Jan
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you for a wonderful review, and for excusing my goof. It is much appreciated.
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed the magical roundabout poem. It seems like the rules for this kind of poem is complicate but you have met the challenge and made a poem that was fun to read and has lively rhyme scheme.
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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I enjoyed the magical roundabout poem. It seems like the rules for this kind of poem is complicate but you have met the challenge and made a poem that was fun to read and has lively rhyme scheme.
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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I'm so glad you like it. Thank you.
Comment from lyenochka
Delightful poem, Yvonne. It's so fun to read your poem aloud and I can imagine reading this to a child and having them imagine the magic in the moonlight in this special woodland place!
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Delightful poem, Yvonne. It's so fun to read your poem aloud and I can imagine reading this to a child and having them imagine the magic in the moonlight in this special woodland place!
Comment Written 15-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. There is something magic about moonlight, I think. 🙂
Comment from rspoet
Hello Yvonne,
Being a fan of fantasy, whimsy, magic and imagination,
how could I not love your wonderful poem of the clan who came to stay.
Roundabout seems to be the most curious way to get from one verse to the next, but fun is in the journey.
Love it when the moon's at play and poets too.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Hello Yvonne,
Being a fan of fantasy, whimsy, magic and imagination,
how could I not love your wonderful poem of the clan who came to stay.
Roundabout seems to be the most curious way to get from one verse to the next, but fun is in the journey.
Love it when the moon's at play and poets too.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 15-May-2022
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I'm so happy you liked my poem.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Very nice artwork and presentation.
-You did a good job with the form;
a good topic, imagery, and rhyme.
-You show how "the woodlands come to life."
-It is a magical, musical, and happy land.
-I also like how you tell the story of
"the tiny clan...who came to stay."
-A very good closing verse.
-I enjoyed the poem.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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-Very nice artwork and presentation.
-You did a good job with the form;
a good topic, imagery, and rhyme.
-You show how "the woodlands come to life."
-It is a magical, musical, and happy land.
-I also like how you tell the story of
"the tiny clan...who came to stay."
-A very good closing verse.
-I enjoyed the poem.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you so much for this.
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You are welcome. I think you'll like my poem for Sunday!
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Looking forward to it. Can you believe it's already the middle of May!!!
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No!!!!!!!!
Comment from royowen
What an interesting form, there's a couple of sites one can venture to for these forms but there's so many, I do admire your propensity to learn these Yvonne, brilliantly done my friend, this is great, plus the theme is something I've never tackled either, well one, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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What an interesting form, there's a couple of sites one can venture to for these forms but there's so many, I do admire your propensity to learn these Yvonne, brilliantly done my friend, this is great, plus the theme is something I've never tackled either, well one, blessings Roy
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you. It was quite a challenge. Not a form I'd do very often. 🙂
Comment from zanya
A poem created with exquisite language and imagery where one can allow one's imagination to soar and be transported from our daily cares -what a joy to read
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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A poem created with exquisite language and imagery where one can allow one's imagination to soar and be transported from our daily cares -what a joy to read
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you. I'm glad you think so.
Comment from Joanne Gill-Maddick
This is a nicely written poem. The roundabout. Another nice style of writing. It has a nice glow and rhyme scheme. Lovely photo choice to compliment your words as well. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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This is a nicely written poem. The roundabout. Another nice style of writing. It has a nice glow and rhyme scheme. Lovely photo choice to compliment your words as well. Nicely done.
Comment Written 14-May-2022
reply by the author on 14-May-2022
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Thank you. Much appreciated.
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Your welcome
