Self Reflection
When I look in the mirror, what do I see?24 total reviews
Comment from Fleedleflump
I think your structure of individual lines, each a thought in its own right whilst part of the whole, lends this a contemplative power. It strikes me as a performance piece - I could very much hear these words spoken with variations in tempo and gravitas.
Couple of minor thoughts (nothing worth knocking a star off):
'curse' should be 'cursed' to maintain the tense. It's tiny, but took me out of the flow.
'Crying myself to sleep at night knowing that I'm doom' - tense goes out again and 'that' (as is often the case) is a wasted syllable. Might scan better as:
'Crying myself to sleep at night, knowing I'm doomed' or (possibly over-dramatic) 'Cried into sleep, I am become doom' (evokes the famous 'I am become death')
I'd never want to put words in your pen, so think of these just as thoughts. I love what you've written - that's why I care.
Mike
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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I think your structure of individual lines, each a thought in its own right whilst part of the whole, lends this a contemplative power. It strikes me as a performance piece - I could very much hear these words spoken with variations in tempo and gravitas.
Couple of minor thoughts (nothing worth knocking a star off):
'curse' should be 'cursed' to maintain the tense. It's tiny, but took me out of the flow.
'Crying myself to sleep at night knowing that I'm doom' - tense goes out again and 'that' (as is often the case) is a wasted syllable. Might scan better as:
'Crying myself to sleep at night, knowing I'm doomed' or (possibly over-dramatic) 'Cried into sleep, I am become doom' (evokes the famous 'I am become death')
I'd never want to put words in your pen, so think of these just as thoughts. I love what you've written - that's why I care.
Mike
Comment Written 11-May-2022
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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Thanks I do like your idea of the line regarding crying to sleep. I will made the adjustments. It sounds better. You should check out my other poems I written. I believe you might enjoy them more. Thank you for your feedback.
Comment from Wendy G
A cry from the heart, real and powerful. There is always a way back, a fresh start is possible. You can overcome these things which are tormenting you with God's help - He is the God of miracles, and if you are willing to trust Him He can give you what you need. Forgive yourself too. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Wendy
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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A cry from the heart, real and powerful. There is always a way back, a fresh start is possible. You can overcome these things which are tormenting you with God's help - He is the God of miracles, and if you are willing to trust Him He can give you what you need. Forgive yourself too. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Wendy
Comment Written 11-May-2022
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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Some people never get out. Life in the trenches. Thank you fro your review and advice.
Comment from Whitewave
Charity,
Your words are powerful, poignant and heavy. Your picture, too - dark and broken. It is hard to imagine living, or rather existing, under such weight. I feel the burden, toxicity, despair - but there has to be a way out ...
Perhaps your poetry offers just that.
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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Charity,
Your words are powerful, poignant and heavy. Your picture, too - dark and broken. It is hard to imagine living, or rather existing, under such weight. I feel the burden, toxicity, despair - but there has to be a way out ...
Perhaps your poetry offers just that.
Comment Written 11-May-2022
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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My poetry is therapy and a escape from reality. I appreciate your feedback.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Heavy burdens of my past leaving me weary
A very emotional statement, Charity in this reflective poem. I hope you find the love within, cheers
Valda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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Heavy burdens of my past leaving me weary
A very emotional statement, Charity in this reflective poem. I hope you find the love within, cheers
Valda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2022
reply by the author on 11-May-2022
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All true story of my life. Straight from
the heart.
Thanks for your review.
