In Country
a 150-word story25 total reviews
Comment from C2
Definitely was expecting this story to take a dark turn and was relieved when it didn't. I'm left wondering what compelled this character to think there might be mines in the woods and assume that would be revealed in a longer piece. Nice work. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
  |
Definitely was expecting this story to take a dark turn and was relieved when it didn't. I'm left wondering what compelled this character to think there might be mines in the woods and assume that would be revealed in a longer piece. Nice work. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 18-May-2022
-
Some who suffer from PTSD flashback to combat moments when sights or sounds trip memories or those stressful moments.
-
Ahhh..that makes perfect sense.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Bill,
Wow! It took me a bit to figure out was happening here. I questioned, why is Rick probing the soil with a stick, at a thirty degree angle? The only time I've seen that in a movie, a soldier was searching for land mines during World War II. But with the picture, it looks like a forest in North America. And the title is "In Country".
It wasn't until this line,
"Daddy? Are you okay? You scared me!" ... I realized that Rick was a vet dealing with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and his actions have scared his young son.
"Rick's severe facial contortion relaxes to a smile, then a toothy grin. The conflict that haunts him, once again, replaced with his present joy."
Such a shame for many war veterans. I would imagine there were many soldiers who had to deal with shell shock and combat stress during the years of WWII and the Korean War, and especially Viet Nam.
"The loose soil near the tree trunks, which define the width of this passage, (make) Rick suspicious." ... I'm thinking this should be "makes Rick suspicious". It's the "loose soil" that orders the correct verb. Not "tree trunks".
Nicely penned!
Good Luck in the Flash Fiction contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
|
Hi Bill,
Wow! It took me a bit to figure out was happening here. I questioned, why is Rick probing the soil with a stick, at a thirty degree angle? The only time I've seen that in a movie, a soldier was searching for land mines during World War II. But with the picture, it looks like a forest in North America. And the title is "In Country".
It wasn't until this line,
"Daddy? Are you okay? You scared me!" ... I realized that Rick was a vet dealing with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and his actions have scared his young son.
"Rick's severe facial contortion relaxes to a smile, then a toothy grin. The conflict that haunts him, once again, replaced with his present joy."
Such a shame for many war veterans. I would imagine there were many soldiers who had to deal with shell shock and combat stress during the years of WWII and the Korean War, and especially Viet Nam.
"The loose soil near the tree trunks, which define the width of this passage, (make) Rick suspicious." ... I'm thinking this should be "makes Rick suspicious". It's the "loose soil" that orders the correct verb. Not "tree trunks".
Nicely penned!
Good Luck in the Flash Fiction contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
-
You are right, Kimbob. Subject-verb agreement restored. Thanks.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Oh, my, this is quite a juxtaposition between two different realities - one from the past and one from the present. I know "in country" usually refers to military service in another country's borders, but you've highlighted an in-country struggle that exists for those soldiers coming home. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
|
Oh, my, this is quite a juxtaposition between two different realities - one from the past and one from the present. I know "in country" usually refers to military service in another country's borders, but you've highlighted an in-country struggle that exists for those soldiers coming home. Nicely done.
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
-
Thank you,Pam, for finding the deeper story. Bill
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It's so sad that the men who go to war to keep us safe, never really feel safe themselves when they come home. What a nightmare it must be to live the war over and over again. This story shows how it is in many homes with ex war heroes. Luckilly, he only had a stick in his hand and not a gun. This is such a well written story, to add to your 'Shorts'. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
It's so sad that the men who go to war to keep us safe, never really feel safe themselves when they come home. What a nightmare it must be to live the war over and over again. This story shows how it is in many homes with ex war heroes. Luckilly, he only had a stick in his hand and not a gun. This is such a well written story, to add to your 'Shorts'. Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Thank you, Sandra.
Comment from GARY MACLEAN
What began as a potentially frightening war or military recounting ended up being a simple backyard Daddy and daughter excursion? I take it 'Daddy' is experiencing memories from some earlier armed conflict somewhere in this upside-down world of ours. Then he is snapped out of his delusion by his sweet little girl's voice. Am I on the right track?
At any rate, an interesting read. Thanks.
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
|
What began as a potentially frightening war or military recounting ended up being a simple backyard Daddy and daughter excursion? I take it 'Daddy' is experiencing memories from some earlier armed conflict somewhere in this upside-down world of ours. Then he is snapped out of his delusion by his sweet little girl's voice. Am I on the right track?
At any rate, an interesting read. Thanks.
Comment Written 06-May-2022
reply by the author on 06-May-2022
-
Yes. Thanks, Gary.
-
I pray for you and for the horrific memories to stop.
Comment from Haylee Hemphill
Hello!
This is such a fun and cute piece. Your use of descriptive words to really set the scene and tell a story is great! Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
One Love
Haylee
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
|
Hello!
This is such a fun and cute piece. Your use of descriptive words to really set the scene and tell a story is great! Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
One Love
Haylee
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
-
Thank you, Haylee
Comment from phill doran
Hello Bill,
This is very, very good. You always write to a high standard, but I think you've cranked it up a notch here.
Overall a deceptively easy read, with the great misdirection of the closing "realization", which is handled with impactful sensitivity.
A great example of the form.
I wish you well with your continued writing - the contests are a lottery, but this reads like a winning ticket.
cheers
phill
PS: Mr. Gates and I both make it 150 words - and it is such a pleasure to read something SPAG-free!
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
 |
Hello Bill,
This is very, very good. You always write to a high standard, but I think you've cranked it up a notch here.
Overall a deceptively easy read, with the great misdirection of the closing "realization", which is handled with impactful sensitivity.
A great example of the form.
I wish you well with your continued writing - the contests are a lottery, but this reads like a winning ticket.
cheers
phill
PS: Mr. Gates and I both make it 150 words - and it is such a pleasure to read something SPAG-free!
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
-
Thank you, Phill, for the terrific review. So good to hear from a great writing like you. Bill
Comment from Mary Vigasin
A superbly written contest entry. It is not revealed until the end that this is not a war story but a former soldier no doubt suffering from PTSD and only at the end when his daughter appears that his looking for mines was part of his delusion.
Brilliantly done.
Best wishes in the contest.
Mary
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
|
A superbly written contest entry. It is not revealed until the end that this is not a war story but a former soldier no doubt suffering from PTSD and only at the end when his daughter appears that his looking for mines was part of his delusion.
Brilliantly done.
Best wishes in the contest.
Mary
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
-
Thank you, Mary, for the exceptional review. Bill
Comment from Jane Jane King
This is so well done and so gripping and realistic .PTSD is a horrible thing to live with. The last line ties the story up so well with a hopeful and upbeat ending. The transition from the nightmare to a waking state was executed beautifully.
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
|
This is so well done and so gripping and realistic .PTSD is a horrible thing to live with. The last line ties the story up so well with a hopeful and upbeat ending. The transition from the nightmare to a waking state was executed beautifully.
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
-
Thank you, Jane, for the terrific review. Bill
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Is this about PTSD? Sadly this X-soldier is having a wartime flashback, but snaps out of it when he sees and hears his child's voice. Well done Bill. Nancy;0
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
|
Is this about PTSD? Sadly this X-soldier is having a wartime flashback, but snaps out of it when he sees and hears his child's voice. Well done Bill. Nancy;0
Comment Written 05-May-2022
reply by the author on 05-May-2022
-
Thanks, Nancy, for giving this a look.
