The Trophy
A memoir37 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
J.P.,
This is an absolutely riveting story and I felt like I was right beside you for the whole wild ride. I broke my own rule in awarding a six, because I found a few language issues noted below. Fantastic story!
Sue
10 hour-plus drive -- I'd hyphenate between 10 and hour
inhale the clean crisp air--and only then--did I truly feel I was finally back in Canada. I'd omit the second em dash. (If you eliminate the enclosed phrase, you don't have a sentence.)
the Silver Muskie was big step up. -- typo, missing "a"
because smaller fish would be hitting to keep things interesting. -- sounds like the fish are trying to keep things interesting. Better to put a period after hitting, then say that made it interesting for you.
I gazed at the muskie laying with its head curving up ==> lying
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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J.P.,
This is an absolutely riveting story and I felt like I was right beside you for the whole wild ride. I broke my own rule in awarding a six, because I found a few language issues noted below. Fantastic story!
Sue
10 hour-plus drive -- I'd hyphenate between 10 and hour
inhale the clean crisp air--and only then--did I truly feel I was finally back in Canada. I'd omit the second em dash. (If you eliminate the enclosed phrase, you don't have a sentence.)
the Silver Muskie was big step up. -- typo, missing "a"
because smaller fish would be hitting to keep things interesting. -- sounds like the fish are trying to keep things interesting. Better to put a period after hitting, then say that made it interesting for you.
I gazed at the muskie laying with its head curving up ==> lying
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, Sue,
Thank you very much for reading my story, and especially, for that sixth star! To read that my story is "absolutely riveting" is more that a little gratifying.
Thanks also for those recommendations. I believe I've incorporated all of them.
Sincerely yours,
J. P.
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You are most welcoming. It's the best fish story I've ever read.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was so exciting, JP, I was with you pulling that muskie in with your real, the fight he put up, he did deserve his freedom. I wonder if anyone else caught him, or was he too clever to get caught in the same way again. I really enjoyed reading this and can only offer a virtual six. Very well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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That was so exciting, JP, I was with you pulling that muskie in with your real, the fight he put up, he did deserve his freedom. I wonder if anyone else caught him, or was he too clever to get caught in the same way again. I really enjoyed reading this and can only offer a virtual six. Very well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, Sandra,
Thank you so much for those virtual six stars! Coming from you, that's high praise indeed.
Very best wishes,
J. P.
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I really did enjoy your story. xx
Comment from estory
I think you captured a father and son moment in this fish story; you had plenty of detail in the narrative but I almost wish it had more dialogue to reveal more of the personalities and characters than the facts about the fish. The real interest for the reader is in getting to know the characters and finding out something about themselves through them. Relationships. That is the interest for me. estory
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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I think you captured a father and son moment in this fish story; you had plenty of detail in the narrative but I almost wish it had more dialogue to reveal more of the personalities and characters than the facts about the fish. The real interest for the reader is in getting to know the characters and finding out something about themselves through them. Relationships. That is the interest for me. estory
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, estory,
Nice to see you again. Thank you for taking the time to read my story for those comments! It's one of my longest stories.
Your quite right in wishing for more dialogue. It is the best way to move any story and give insights to the characters. Most of my stories have very little dialogue--so far--but I'm hoping on writing a few that do.
All the best,
J. P.
Comment from phill doran
Hello JP,
I'm good with this too.
A very simple tale of a profound moment that speaks of coming-of-age in the guise of an older person's wistful memory.
This has a good measured pace and I was engaged despite not being a fisher of fish. You're ability to present the thoughts of the 'boy' is very accomplished: it 'feels' honest.
Ultimately we are only our memories: the tale, now written, will outlast you, and the photograph.
A great write - contest or not.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
"...air--and only then--did..." I am not too sure about the need for the second dash after 'then'.
"...woodsy, pine paneled walls..." Maybe 'pine-paneled' with a hyphen?
"...the 16 foot aluminum boat..." Again, I think '16-foot' should be presented with a connecting hyphen. This is also true later with "...25 feet wide..." i.e., 25-feet. There are a couple more too with the various weights mentioned, (if I am right - which I do not guarantee).
"...defective, but had nothing else..." 'but I had..."?
"...to replace it ..." I think there's an extra space after 'it' and before the period/full stop.
"...its big forked tail..." perhaps a comma after 'big'?
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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Hello JP,
I'm good with this too.
A very simple tale of a profound moment that speaks of coming-of-age in the guise of an older person's wistful memory.
This has a good measured pace and I was engaged despite not being a fisher of fish. You're ability to present the thoughts of the 'boy' is very accomplished: it 'feels' honest.
Ultimately we are only our memories: the tale, now written, will outlast you, and the photograph.
A great write - contest or not.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
"...air--and only then--did..." I am not too sure about the need for the second dash after 'then'.
"...woodsy, pine paneled walls..." Maybe 'pine-paneled' with a hyphen?
"...the 16 foot aluminum boat..." Again, I think '16-foot' should be presented with a connecting hyphen. This is also true later with "...25 feet wide..." i.e., 25-feet. There are a couple more too with the various weights mentioned, (if I am right - which I do not guarantee).
"...defective, but had nothing else..." 'but I had..."?
"...to replace it ..." I think there's an extra space after 'it' and before the period/full stop.
"...its big forked tail..." perhaps a comma after 'big'?
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, phill,
Thank you so much for those wonderful comments and that sixth star! You have quite a way with words. I actually got a little misty with the: "Ultimately we are only our memories: the tale, now written, will outlast you, and the photograph."
Thanks also for the great advice on the grammar. Writing out tips like that (for me) is tough and very time consuming. I believe I've used nearly all of them as well as the ones given by Sue. Thank you!
Very sincerely,
J. P.
Comment from R. Marc Goodson
Very good writing, and I could relate to all aspects of the story. I lived in northern New Hampshire and we used to go across the border and fish lakes in interior Quebec, on he way towards Labrador ...and of course we fished for Northern Pike. We had to use steel leaders as the pike would otherwise just bite off and monofilament line or leader. Not only did we catch pike, but also lake trout. Great trips and fond memories. I look forward to more of your 'outdoors' writing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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Very good writing, and I could relate to all aspects of the story. I lived in northern New Hampshire and we used to go across the border and fish lakes in interior Quebec, on he way towards Labrador ...and of course we fished for Northern Pike. We had to use steel leaders as the pike would otherwise just bite off and monofilament line or leader. Not only did we catch pike, but also lake trout. Great trips and fond memories. I look forward to more of your 'outdoors' writing.
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, R. Mark Goodson,
Thank you for those comments and especially that sixth star! Yes, we all used steel leaders as well, and I probably should have mentioned it. I envy your fishing trips. I've only caught one lake trout in my life. Have to remedy that!
Sincerely,
J. P.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an excellent true story. I don't fish myself, but my brothers both do, and I have relived enough of their exploits at the end of the day to appreciate yours, and to be able to feel your battle (you described it so vividly). Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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This is an excellent true story. I don't fish myself, but my brothers both do, and I have relived enough of their exploits at the end of the day to appreciate yours, and to be able to feel your battle (you described it so vividly). Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, Katherine M. Kean,
Very nice to see you again! Sorry I'm so late in responding. Somehow, I skipped past your review.
Thank you for reading my rather long story and for those very kind remarks! If the story was going to be a bit lengthy as well as light in dialogue, than it needed to be written with descriptions that were vivid--which was difficult for me. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!
Very sincerely,
J. P.
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Exciting fishing trip for any young boy. I am not surprised that the fish was huge and couldn't be kept...that 's how many fish stories go. I call them whooper stories, lol. Good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
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Exciting fishing trip for any young boy. I am not surprised that the fish was huge and couldn't be kept...that 's how many fish stories go. I call them whooper stories, lol. Good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 03-May-2022
Hi, Maria Millsaps,
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for those comments. Very kind of you!
Best,
J. P.
