In Real Time
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Last Days of a Republic Part I"Stories of the Here and Now
11 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
Well, I missed this.
Part two was in my listings today, and I realized
I missed part one.
I love this.
The entire family, very nicely done.
I certainly get a sense of realism from it.
Children are rarely grateful for what is handed
to them. Unless they worked for it.
I LOVE chicken cacciatore!!!
I look forward to part two, I'm curious to
see his girlfriend too, and everyone's
reactions.
Blessings...
Ps...In the paragraph that starts 'She looked passed'...
I think you meant 'past.'
In the same paragraph, 'and what benefit it all 'would'
be...you left out the 'would'...
Further down, 'nothing wrong with looking out for
your child, they'll be 'here'....not hear.
I don't write prose, so I'm not the best reviewer,
hope I helped a little.
Loved this!
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
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Well, I missed this.
Part two was in my listings today, and I realized
I missed part one.
I love this.
The entire family, very nicely done.
I certainly get a sense of realism from it.
Children are rarely grateful for what is handed
to them. Unless they worked for it.
I LOVE chicken cacciatore!!!
I look forward to part two, I'm curious to
see his girlfriend too, and everyone's
reactions.
Blessings...
Ps...In the paragraph that starts 'She looked passed'...
I think you meant 'past.'
In the same paragraph, 'and what benefit it all 'would'
be...you left out the 'would'...
Further down, 'nothing wrong with looking out for
your child, they'll be 'here'....not hear.
I don't write prose, so I'm not the best reviewer,
hope I helped a little.
Loved this!
Comment Written 03-May-2022
reply by the author on 04-May-2022
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Thanks again for the six star review and all your support for my rather long story. This is the longest of this collection. estory
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I really enjoyed it!!
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I have a question for the following sentence:
Caroline's figure masked the fact that she had born three children; a strict regime of morning walks and yoga, tennis and workouts at the gym
I do all these exercise daily. But do they have gyms back then or do they do Yoga in the eighteen hundred? I see this is set in the current era.
The font size is too small for me to read,
Keep writing.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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I have a question for the following sentence:
Caroline's figure masked the fact that she had born three children; a strict regime of morning walks and yoga, tennis and workouts at the gym
I do all these exercise daily. But do they have gyms back then or do they do Yoga in the eighteen hundred? I see this is set in the current era.
The font size is too small for me to read,
Keep writing.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review. This story takes place in the present time. The allusions to the past are in there to create the symbolism of this family for the whole country. This is an allagorical story about the break up of the country, and I wanted to use this family structure to bring in the emotional aspects of it. estory
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
I read your notes at the end of this story and overall, I think you succeeded quite well in setting up for what you intend to accomplish. There were lots of good hints to the reader about how differently the children and their parents see and engage in the world. I also liked the detail you provided in descriptions of the surroundings and settings for this story, you did such a good job of giving the characters context for the conflicts and tensions that are going to be a central part of the plot.
I did not what I think is an important exclusion in the second paragraph, where you failed to even mention U.S. Grant, the Union general of some renown in the civil war and a former president of the United States after the war. My immediate question as a reader: is the Grant family related to him? Even a thin thread of relationship would likely be a matter of pride for a family like this and you don't even mention him. Why?
I also noted some small errors of usage and grammar, which I've attempted to illustrate below. I think you need to read this over carefully for these kinds of things. If it happens once, a reader might over look it, but a lot of times and it affects the flow and credibility of even the best story... I hope you take a little time to fix the small stuff and keep going. I look forward to reading more.
"You had to walk up a flight of brick steps to reach it from the street passed the well..." Did you mean past the well? Or is passed in this context a pun?
"...home of John Quincy Adams or Millard Filmore,..." Interesting choices, any particular reason?
"...early eighteen hundreds." 1800s?
"plan of spending..." A typo, I think.
"She looked passed him..." If you mean she looked beyond him, you say she looked past him.
"...what benefit it all be for 'Roe,' as she called him..." Missing a word?
"...they'll be hear tonight." they'll be here...
"...staring deffiantly..." defiantly
"get a law degree to along with it,..." get a law degree to go along with it...
"In a manor of speaking, yes," did you mean in a manner of speaking?
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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I read your notes at the end of this story and overall, I think you succeeded quite well in setting up for what you intend to accomplish. There were lots of good hints to the reader about how differently the children and their parents see and engage in the world. I also liked the detail you provided in descriptions of the surroundings and settings for this story, you did such a good job of giving the characters context for the conflicts and tensions that are going to be a central part of the plot.
I did not what I think is an important exclusion in the second paragraph, where you failed to even mention U.S. Grant, the Union general of some renown in the civil war and a former president of the United States after the war. My immediate question as a reader: is the Grant family related to him? Even a thin thread of relationship would likely be a matter of pride for a family like this and you don't even mention him. Why?
I also noted some small errors of usage and grammar, which I've attempted to illustrate below. I think you need to read this over carefully for these kinds of things. If it happens once, a reader might over look it, but a lot of times and it affects the flow and credibility of even the best story... I hope you take a little time to fix the small stuff and keep going. I look forward to reading more.
"You had to walk up a flight of brick steps to reach it from the street passed the well..." Did you mean past the well? Or is passed in this context a pun?
"...home of John Quincy Adams or Millard Filmore,..." Interesting choices, any particular reason?
"...early eighteen hundreds." 1800s?
"plan of spending..." A typo, I think.
"She looked passed him..." If you mean she looked beyond him, you say she looked past him.
"...what benefit it all be for 'Roe,' as she called him..." Missing a word?
"...they'll be hear tonight." they'll be here...
"...staring deffiantly..." defiantly
"get a law degree to along with it,..." get a law degree to go along with it...
"In a manor of speaking, yes," did you mean in a manner of speaking?
Comment Written 23-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the five star review and your perspective on the story. US Grant is not meant to be a family member, maybe I should have picked another name for the family, but I wanted to clearly establish the historical connections in order for the family to successfully symbolize America as a whole. estory
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed reading this post as it is thought provoking.
You've given your readers a fair amount to ponder, which is a sign of a strong writer.
The symbolism works well here.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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I enjoyed reading this post as it is thought provoking.
You've given your readers a fair amount to ponder, which is a sign of a strong writer.
The symbolism works well here.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and your support of the story. estory
Comment from tfawcus
You have developed a masterly pen picture of this New England family. The prose moves at a leisurely pace in keeping with the unhurried self-assurance of the family. Wonderful cross-currents seething beneath the surface, which I imagine will erupt into a tsunami when the new girlfriend arrives. I have a feeling she will bring out the worst in all of them.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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You have developed a masterly pen picture of this New England family. The prose moves at a leisurely pace in keeping with the unhurried self-assurance of the family. Wonderful cross-currents seething beneath the surface, which I imagine will erupt into a tsunami when the new girlfriend arrives. I have a feeling she will bring out the worst in all of them.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2022
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Thanks again for the exceptional review and all your support for my work. Stay tuned for part two. estory
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is an excellent beginning to this story. Your imagery and character development are very well done. I was feeling annoyance with the rather snobby upper class family, and the differences in attitude among their children. I think you're accomplishing what you've set out to. I look forward to part 2.
There are a few spags to consider though:
"to reach it from the street passed(past) the well manicured..." - passed is the past tense of the verb pass; past is the adverb
"I hope you don't plan of(on) spending the whole weekend discussing business"
"She looked passed(past) him.."
"and what benefit it (would) all be for 'Roe,'"
"Someday you might get a law degree to (go) along with it,
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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This is an excellent beginning to this story. Your imagery and character development are very well done. I was feeling annoyance with the rather snobby upper class family, and the differences in attitude among their children. I think you're accomplishing what you've set out to. I look forward to part 2.
There are a few spags to consider though:
"to reach it from the street passed(past) the well manicured..." - passed is the past tense of the verb pass; past is the adverb
"I hope you don't plan of(on) spending the whole weekend discussing business"
"She looked passed(past) him.."
"and what benefit it (would) all be for 'Roe,'"
"Someday you might get a law degree to (go) along with it,
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and I am glad I seem to have sown enough interest to get you to read part 2. The family is really America, the parents trying to hold to their traditions have to deal with the children ( the special interest groups) pulling out from under them and arguing and squabling between themselves, rip the family or the country apart. They are the quintessential wasp family
I guess. estory
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You're most welcome.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an ambitious undertaking. Your characters are not particularly pleasant or interesting as they are all totally self-absorbed, which is what you seem to mean them to be in your explanation. You have a few nits: at least twice you used passed, instead of past. "They'll be (here) tonight." . . . a law degree to (go) along . . ." What plans would you have for a story like this, or is it just for your personal interest?
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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This is an ambitious undertaking. Your characters are not particularly pleasant or interesting as they are all totally self-absorbed, which is what you seem to mean them to be in your explanation. You have a few nits: at least twice you used passed, instead of past. "They'll be (here) tonight." . . . a law degree to (go) along . . ." What plans would you have for a story like this, or is it just for your personal interest?
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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I'm grateful for the five star review, I don't like these people either, but I had to write them this way to illustrate the attitude of the country at large today. People care only about themselves and they are foresaking their culture and roots, this is the theme of the story. But it is also a tragedy. After all, this is a family, which is supposed to love each other. estory
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
You painted quite an image of the traditional family. I still have a few friends who could relate to this, however, for me, they appear to be more last century with a modern twist.
I wonder if the protrayal of the children's apparent indifference to their brother's return echoes today's real values.
The storyline does need to be tightened up somewhat, but you have very successfully left the reader 'wanting to know more'.
...here tonight.
...in a manner of speaking...
Warmly,
Juliette
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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You painted quite an image of the traditional family. I still have a few friends who could relate to this, however, for me, they appear to be more last century with a modern twist.
I wonder if the protrayal of the children's apparent indifference to their brother's return echoes today's real values.
The storyline does need to be tightened up somewhat, but you have very successfully left the reader 'wanting to know more'.
...here tonight.
...in a manner of speaking...
Warmly,
Juliette
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review and I think it sounds like I achieved my aims from what you are saying in your review. The children here symbolize the special interest groups tearing the country up today, the parents are the foundation, the culture, the values of the country's past. As they rip themselves apart, you can see what's happening to the country today. estory
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Unfortunately, it is nation wide...
Most western countries are in a similar situation.
Comment from BethShelby
You have certainly provided a elegant picture of an upper-class New England family. Much of what is there shows a family willing to go to great lengths to maintain a proper impression. There are a few things the member find to complain about, but they still all go along. Madison is a typical teen who makes light of the idea of trying so hard to impress. William would like more respect for him approaching game. I find it strange that any family should go along with being so proper in this age. I hope the boy surprises everyone with his choice of a date. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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You have certainly provided a elegant picture of an upper-class New England family. Much of what is there shows a family willing to go to great lengths to maintain a proper impression. There are a few things the member find to complain about, but they still all go along. Madison is a typical teen who makes light of the idea of trying so hard to impress. William would like more respect for him approaching game. I find it strange that any family should go along with being so proper in this age. I hope the boy surprises everyone with his choice of a date. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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Thanks for the excellent review. This is really symbolist writing, so you have to keep in mind the parents are symbols of the values, the culture of America, the children are the special interest groups arguing amongst themselves for power and money in the country today. The tragedy of the country falling apart is much like a family falling apart, I feel. A tragedy in that kind of sense. estory
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This story has potential, but I feel it still needs re-working at this time. The major problem is that the length does not match the events, so the pace drags. It needs a severe pruning and focusing of the remaining material. A minor quibble is that the writer cannot sit on the reader's shoulder by instructing in the notes what the reader shuld be looking for. This is bad form.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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This story has potential, but I feel it still needs re-working at this time. The major problem is that the length does not match the events, so the pace drags. It needs a severe pruning and focusing of the remaining material. A minor quibble is that the writer cannot sit on the reader's shoulder by instructing in the notes what the reader shuld be looking for. This is bad form.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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Thanks for your comments, I will keep them in mind. It is a long piece, and the pace does drag at the beginning, but I feel it is a movement that will grow and build as the story rises to its crescendo. I had to build the foundation before I could go up from there. estory
