Courtney Is Missing
A short story of a family's 3 kids & their dog.35 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a really good story, although I think if Grace was seven her behavior would seem more natural, although still oddly mature. Besides, those dolls are wretchedly expensive. This story is also an excellent way to show a good way a family can live with one member not being so sure of his sexuality. There are a few nits you might want to change: . . . doll(')s wardrobe. There is some weird symbols in American Girl doll. . . .she also like(d) that . . . Second to last paragraph is broken. Need to move sentences into train car like formation. There are also at least two other sentences that have unhooked from their paragraphs.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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This is a really good story, although I think if Grace was seven her behavior would seem more natural, although still oddly mature. Besides, those dolls are wretchedly expensive. This story is also an excellent way to show a good way a family can live with one member not being so sure of his sexuality. There are a few nits you might want to change: . . . doll(')s wardrobe. There is some weird symbols in American Girl doll. . . .she also like(d) that . . . Second to last paragraph is broken. Need to move sentences into train car like formation. There are also at least two other sentences that have unhooked from their paragraphs.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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Thank you, I find your comments most helpful. One of the benefits of membership in this great experiment is the helpful hints and tips that are given free of charge. Some others might charge money for this level of instruction.
Comment from MissMerri
I very much enjoyed reading your well-written story. I thought it was extraordinarily creative and had just the right amount of suspense and mystery about it. The different personalities of the children were well developed and easy to distinguish. I admit, I was a little confused about Tony's reaction to Grace's warning. It was difficult to think of her as evil when she had just protected him from his parent's wrath. But there is so much good in the story. I did enjoy it. MM
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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I very much enjoyed reading your well-written story. I thought it was extraordinarily creative and had just the right amount of suspense and mystery about it. The different personalities of the children were well developed and easy to distinguish. I admit, I was a little confused about Tony's reaction to Grace's warning. It was difficult to think of her as evil when she had just protected him from his parent's wrath. But there is so much good in the story. I did enjoy it. MM
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2022
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Thank you. Grace is not really evil, she is just not to be trifled with. her warning to Tony was, be who you want to be, but do not mess with me or mine.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
This is a fun, light hearted short that I enjoyed reading. The topic is relevant nowadays and is written in a creative way .
I don't know if this is intentional but the sentence that says,
" they heard a blood scream", did you mean to express it that way or did you mean "blood curdling scream?"
Just something I noticed.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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This is a fun, light hearted short that I enjoyed reading. The topic is relevant nowadays and is written in a creative way .
I don't know if this is intentional but the sentence that says,
" they heard a blood scream", did you mean to express it that way or did you mean "blood curdling scream?"
Just something I noticed.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Thank you. What you viewed is a sloppy edit, I am so sorry. I will fix that immediately.
Comment from Terry Broxson
Sir, this is a mighty fine story. Very well written with a nice edginess to it. The real big question where are you going to take it. What is next? You got at least a few more chapters out of this if you want. Well-Done. Terry.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Sir, this is a mighty fine story. Very well written with a nice edginess to it. The real big question where are you going to take it. What is next? You got at least a few more chapters out of this if you want. Well-Done. Terry.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I am definitely considering it. I never meant for Grace to take over the story. In real time, she has not even been born yet. She is due in October, and I have already written her first seven or eight years for her.
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Lol, be sure and save this for her!
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Although you do a very good job of telling the reader that "this happened, and then this happened . . ." I felt like it was lacking somehow. I didn't find the characters particularly interesting, and the ending was a little disappointing. I think if you took the bones of this story and added a little meat, it could be a better, more interesting tale.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Although you do a very good job of telling the reader that "this happened, and then this happened . . ." I felt like it was lacking somehow. I didn't find the characters particularly interesting, and the ending was a little disappointing. I think if you took the bones of this story and added a little meat, it could be a better, more interesting tale.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I hear you. I struggled to keep it a short story, but suggestions from reviewers have kept me adding details, sentences and paragraphs.
Comment from Annette R.
1the story is interestingly told, with a bit of a surprise ending. (I suspected Tony). I would suggest a shortening of a sentence about Leo to something like Leo would do whatever Grace wanted or at least try. I think constantly isn't needed before streaming. All up to you of course. It is a good and unusual read.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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1the story is interestingly told, with a bit of a surprise ending. (I suspected Tony). I would suggest a shortening of a sentence about Leo to something like Leo would do whatever Grace wanted or at least try. I think constantly isn't needed before streaming. All up to you of course. It is a good and unusual read.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I am already addressing that, you must have read a version pre the latest edit.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
This was a good story, writing was fluid and clear, although I wished you would have included a bit more dialogue and descriptive detail. I was curious about why Courtney appealed most to Grace. There are quite a few of the American Girl dolls. Was it difficult for the family to give such an expensive doll to Grace? What did they think of her choice?
What I am trying to say is I liked the story and feel like you should expanded it...add some flesh to good strong bones. Make the plot a bit more complex.
There were a few other small things, I've included below:
"As the family raced to her room to see what was wrong." I think this is a typo, you don't need the 'As' just say the family raced...
I noticed a couple of sentence fragments which I think should be rewritten to complete sentences, not that fragments aren't used sometimes, but they are awkward for the reader, I think.
I am sorry, trying not to read anything into the story that wasn't there, but... Tony clearly understood Grace's threat, but I did not. I think it would be good if you explained to the reader what Grace was trying to tell Tony by her actions. It confused me. Was she protecting him from something? Was she trying to support his difficult efforts to be something he was not? Was she saying, okay...like the rest of the family I'll let you be who you are and love you anyway, but don't mess with my stuff. :)
You could rewrite the ending and make the message from Grace a little more clear for the reader.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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This was a good story, writing was fluid and clear, although I wished you would have included a bit more dialogue and descriptive detail. I was curious about why Courtney appealed most to Grace. There are quite a few of the American Girl dolls. Was it difficult for the family to give such an expensive doll to Grace? What did they think of her choice?
What I am trying to say is I liked the story and feel like you should expanded it...add some flesh to good strong bones. Make the plot a bit more complex.
There were a few other small things, I've included below:
"As the family raced to her room to see what was wrong." I think this is a typo, you don't need the 'As' just say the family raced...
I noticed a couple of sentence fragments which I think should be rewritten to complete sentences, not that fragments aren't used sometimes, but they are awkward for the reader, I think.
I am sorry, trying not to read anything into the story that wasn't there, but... Tony clearly understood Grace's threat, but I did not. I think it would be good if you explained to the reader what Grace was trying to tell Tony by her actions. It confused me. Was she protecting him from something? Was she trying to support his difficult efforts to be something he was not? Was she saying, okay...like the rest of the family I'll let you be who you are and love you anyway, but don't mess with my stuff. :)
You could rewrite the ending and make the message from Grace a little more clear for the reader.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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This story is really about Grace. I did not set out to make it about her, but she took over the story. This is going to require some serious edits to correct this.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
The American Girl dolls are great, but the books that go with them are even better. Although they are fiction, they are historically accurate. One of my sons, who loved history would read them, until the other boys discovered it and teased him. Steven simply loved to read anything about history. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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The American Girl dolls are great, but the books that go with them are even better. Although they are fiction, they are historically accurate. One of my sons, who loved history would read them, until the other boys discovered it and teased him. Steven simply loved to read anything about history. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Thank you for your informative review.
Comment from Mary Vigasin
A very well-written and interesting story. I think readers will see this story through their own lens. A close-knit family with doting parents trying to do their best in raising their kids, a protective sister, lying to protect her brother, or a boy struggling with his sexual identity.
Very well done.
Best wishes,
Mary
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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A very well-written and interesting story. I think readers will see this story through their own lens. A close-knit family with doting parents trying to do their best in raising their kids, a protective sister, lying to protect her brother, or a boy struggling with his sexual identity.
Very well done.
Best wishes,
Mary
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Thank you Mary. This was actually inspired by my foster daughter's family. Not exactly but close.
Comment from Pantygynt
Gender ambivalence seems to be the coming thing. It would sworry me more if felt I had a long time left on this earth but I reckon I won't be around when it all gets tied up neatly because it is not new. We have been here before in ancient Greece and Rome. Then it went away for the best part of a millennium or more and now its back. Since what goes around comes around it will all happen again no doubt.
One little niggle:
'Grace hugged and petted Leo and he literally ate it up.' No he didn't. not literally anyway. Lol.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Gender ambivalence seems to be the coming thing. It would sworry me more if felt I had a long time left on this earth but I reckon I won't be around when it all gets tied up neatly because it is not new. We have been here before in ancient Greece and Rome. Then it went away for the best part of a millennium or more and now its back. Since what goes around comes around it will all happen again no doubt.
One little niggle:
'Grace hugged and petted Leo and he literally ate it up.' No he didn't. not literally anyway. Lol.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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You are correct of course. This type of thing is pretty common in some circles here in America. LOL. Thank you for your wise comments. I guess that in the end all things are both old and new depending on your perspective.
