Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

I like the dialogue.
I throw the last beam, revealing a poorly maintained door?" - errant quotation mark?
My breathing quickens, and - comma not needed
I bang on the door, and a pipe - comma not needed
What do you want for it.?" - no period
"Opa, I'm in the middle of-" - ellipsis would work better
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 26-Mar-2022

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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work.

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Very good. I would check the speech and action tags.

notes:

"Fuck," the crowds of refugees were bad enough, but the guards
- Not sure who speaks here.

Becka dusts herself off, "You didn't have to do that, Colton," even after three months

- lose the commas. No speech tags here.

Tristan whistles, "I know another way. Follow me."

- Here too. Does Tristan whistles that sentence?

"Hey! It's this {way."} Tristan yells,

- This speech tag should needs a comma.

"I was making a delivery." He walks to {her,} "And I have a proposal I wanted to give.

- period, action

 Comment Written 24-Mar-2022

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reply by the author on 24-Mar-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work lancellot. I fix the errors you pointed out. Can you elaborate on your second point? "Loss the commas. No speech tags here."

reply by lancellot on 24-Mar-2022

Becka dusts herself off. "You didn't have to do that, Colton." Even after three months

-like this

reply by the author on 24-Mar-2022

Thanks for elaborating.

Comment from K.L. Rockquemore

Excellent

I enjoyed reading your chapter, it left me wanting to know what comes next. Your dialogue is well written and flows naturally and with ease.
However, when someone speaks they should get there own line. In this current state, it's a bit confusing.

 Comment Written 23-Mar-2022

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2022

Thank you. Would you be willing to point out where it's confusing? I'll try and fix it if I can.

reply by K.L. Rockquemore on 23-Mar-2022

Here are 2 examples.
? So either of you hear about up North??. I don?t know who?s talking here.
This needs it?s own line, in my opinion.
?Something about a poisonous fog??
Again, I don?t think it?s clear who is talking.
If all dialogue gets its own line, it will be more clear.
Hope that gives you an idea of where I?m coming from.

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

I did spot a computer glitch about halfway through the story after the words ( poorly maintained door) All in all, the story looked pretty good to me but I'm no expert, just another wannabe writer. LOl.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2022

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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2022

Thank you for taking the time to read my work prettybluebirds.