Witness
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Gates of Zelen"Modern struggle in another world.
2 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
These are so long, K. I have the foreknowledge, though, that I don't have to slow down to point out correctible areas (they are so few), so I can read for enjoyment.
I exhaled a stream of blue tobacco smoke. The blend Iakkhos had given me was my favorite, with that hint of vanilla and cardamom filling the air. [I assume you are a smoker. I was for about 40 years before I quit (about 20 years ago). Your description brings back the lovely catch at the back of my throat at the first drag. You don't forget those things ... damn it!]
"Ioudas. You are?" [Loudas, a name? Shouldn't it be capped?]
I'm getting more and more into your characters, K. That's a good thing!
Jay
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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These are so long, K. I have the foreknowledge, though, that I don't have to slow down to point out correctible areas (they are so few), so I can read for enjoyment.
I exhaled a stream of blue tobacco smoke. The blend Iakkhos had given me was my favorite, with that hint of vanilla and cardamom filling the air. [I assume you are a smoker. I was for about 40 years before I quit (about 20 years ago). Your description brings back the lovely catch at the back of my throat at the first drag. You don't forget those things ... damn it!]
"Ioudas. You are?" [Loudas, a name? Shouldn't it be capped?]
I'm getting more and more into your characters, K. That's a good thing!
Jay
Comment Written 23-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! Weirdly enough, I'm actually not a smoker. I rely on my brother for description of what it's like--the military seems to manufacture people who need nicotine. As far as name capitalization, it is capitalized. The text doesn't really show the capital i very well. I may have to change fonts for it so the reader can see it. I'm glad the characters are compelling. I always look forward to writing with them.
Thank you very much for your time. I appreciate you giving it a look, even if it's on the long side. I hope you have a wonderful day.
K.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
This story is excellent, however there's one suggestion I have and that is to single space the sentences and double space between each of the paragraphs! It would be a lot easier to read because it wouldn't be running together like it is now;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and I will change my rating with that issue gone! May God bless you and your family this New Year!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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This story is excellent, however there's one suggestion I have and that is to single space the sentences and double space between each of the paragraphs! It would be a lot easier to read because it wouldn't be running together like it is now;-)
Thanks for sharing this well written piece with us and I will change my rating with that issue gone! May God bless you and your family this New Year!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'll try and fix the formatting. It seems to be an issue based on transferring the text from a document to the chapter content section. I apologize. I appreciate you giving it your time and I hope you have a wonderful day.
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;-)
