Witness
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Path to the Mountains"Modern struggle in another world.
3 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Dynamic as usual, K. Tense all the way through with the added knowledge that Karsa made an unwilling promise to kill Thais rather than let her be captured. That's at the back of most readers' minds as they continue on.
She was far more stubborn than me and had a way of getting her way. [Correct would be "far more stubborn that I (with the unplaced "was" implied), but this is first-person narrative and it's more important to stay within character. You know how Karsa speaks, so ...]
She flashed me a smile that didn't reach her eyes or her heart, an expression meant to signal she was fine even when she was not. [Well penned!]
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Dynamic as usual, K. Tense all the way through with the added knowledge that Karsa made an unwilling promise to kill Thais rather than let her be captured. That's at the back of most readers' minds as they continue on.
She was far more stubborn than me and had a way of getting her way. [Correct would be "far more stubborn that I (with the unplaced "was" implied), but this is first-person narrative and it's more important to stay within character. You know how Karsa speaks, so ...]
She flashed me a smile that didn't reach her eyes or her heart, an expression meant to signal she was fine even when she was not. [Well penned!]
Comment Written 22-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate you giving it your time. I'll take a look at the sentence you saw and see what I can do.
Comment from robyn corum
KO,
A pretty intense situation but in the end, this seemed like it was going to be a transitionary chapter - a bit between the fireworks, I think.
There seem to be plenty of fireworks to go around and these characters are brave enough and up for the challenge. Very nice.
Some notes, if I may:
1.) There was no sign that the fire (was?) aimed at us
2.) I muttered, (lying) flat on my stomach and keeping my head low between two rocks.
3.) I caught sight of a cylinder resting on the shoulder of one rebel figure (as he) popped out of cover.
4.) I knew she was thinking of her friend (who) died so horribly at their hands.
--> 'who' for humans, please
5.) The mountains that surrounded us like the jagged teeth of some world-devouring beast scraped the sky itself,
--> great descriptive images!
6.) peering through the window into the cab where she could (see) the path ahead through the windshield.
Nice job --- good luck!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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KO,
A pretty intense situation but in the end, this seemed like it was going to be a transitionary chapter - a bit between the fireworks, I think.
There seem to be plenty of fireworks to go around and these characters are brave enough and up for the challenge. Very nice.
Some notes, if I may:
1.) There was no sign that the fire (was?) aimed at us
2.) I muttered, (lying) flat on my stomach and keeping my head low between two rocks.
3.) I caught sight of a cylinder resting on the shoulder of one rebel figure (as he) popped out of cover.
4.) I knew she was thinking of her friend (who) died so horribly at their hands.
--> 'who' for humans, please
5.) The mountains that surrounded us like the jagged teeth of some world-devouring beast scraped the sky itself,
--> great descriptive images!
6.) peering through the window into the cab where she could (see) the path ahead through the windshield.
Nice job --- good luck!
Comment Written 22-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I went through and fixed what you saw. I really appreciate the corrections and the fact that you gave it your time. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. The action certainly kept me occupied until the end. I did not find a single error. You did a great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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A nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. The action certainly kept me occupied until the end. I did not find a single error. You did a great job. Shirley
Comment Written 22-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2022
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate you giving it your time. I hope you have a wonderful day.
