Hug Your Children Tight
Life is short2 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
5-7-5 poems are tough to keep in focus. The last line in this poem suffers from the need to rhyme, regardless of how coherent the thought contained in that line is. So, 'teach them wrong from right' is a functional rhyme, but it's out of line with the 'love your children' intention of lines 1 and 2. 'Keep love always in sight' is a better line, but it's one too many syllables. I suspect there is a better line out there; sometimes you gotta fish for it!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
   |
5-7-5 poems are tough to keep in focus. The last line in this poem suffers from the need to rhyme, regardless of how coherent the thought contained in that line is. So, 'teach them wrong from right' is a functional rhyme, but it's out of line with the 'love your children' intention of lines 1 and 2. 'Keep love always in sight' is a better line, but it's one too many syllables. I suspect there is a better line out there; sometimes you gotta fish for it!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
-
Keep your love in sight I will use.
-
Did you read my What Is Pride entry?
Comment from Ashley Shipley
Such an important concept as life truly is short and the love a parent shows to a child can have such an impact on them in future life. Although I like the rhyme and concept, I personally don't think that the last line goes too well with the concept and the preceding lines as the first two lines appear to be commenting on the fragility of life and childhood while the final line is more about effective parenting.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
Edit: This issue has been fixed :).
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
|
Such an important concept as life truly is short and the love a parent shows to a child can have such an impact on them in future life. Although I like the rhyme and concept, I personally don't think that the last line goes too well with the concept and the preceding lines as the first two lines appear to be commenting on the fragility of life and childhood while the final line is more about effective parenting.
Well done and good luck with the contest.
Edit: This issue has been fixed :).
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
-
How can I change it?
-
I think the change that you have made works really well. It keeps the rhyme scheme while adding to the theme of parental fear. :)
-
:)
-
Did you read my What Is Pride entry?
-
No?
-
Will you?
-
Of course :)
-
:)
