The Journey
This is Chapter 1 of a fictional novel that I am working on8 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Excellent writing. Good story, well told.
I really enjoyed it.
Not sure about a book length work in that same voice (without action), but it could work, as well as you write.
But then again, it doesn't have to, since the contest only requires the first chapter. (hah!)
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Excellent writing. Good story, well told.
I really enjoyed it.
Not sure about a book length work in that same voice (without action), but it could work, as well as you write.
But then again, it doesn't have to, since the contest only requires the first chapter. (hah!)
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Wayne - Thank you for the "Exceptional" review and kind words. I really appreciate it. Based on your comments and those of others, I am going to put more dialogue and it will definitely liven up as he gets to know Babbette. Thanks again and stay well - Jerry
Comment from damommy
He's headed back to the Home, and that makes me wonder if all this hasn't been his imagination. At any rate, it's a wonderful story. I eagerly await the next chapter. Maybe that will make things clearer for me.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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He's headed back to the Home, and that makes me wonder if all this hasn't been his imagination. At any rate, it's a wonderful story. I eagerly await the next chapter. Maybe that will make things clearer for me.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Damommy - Thank you for the "Excellent" review and encouraging words. Actually "The Home" at the end was referring to the assisted living facility he was being moved to. - Stay well - Jerry
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I thought so. Thanks for clearing that up.
Comment from BethShelby
I'm enjoyed your rags to riches story. It sounded like an imaginary game I use to play as a child where I started by pretending I was an orphan who had nothing and gradually added to my good fortune as my lone game progressed. I was an only child with no one to play with and good imagination. I hope to read more of your story.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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I'm enjoyed your rags to riches story. It sounded like an imaginary game I use to play as a child where I started by pretending I was an orphan who had nothing and gradually added to my good fortune as my lone game progressed. I was an only child with no one to play with and good imagination. I hope to read more of your story.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2022
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Beth - Thank you for the "Excellent" review and very encouraging words. Sounds like you have a good imagination. I look forward to reading some of your material - Jerry
Comment from Janetsue
I was kept interested all the way through your first chapter. It is easy to root for the speaker, except that his name is never mentioned. This should be corrected. Also, this sentence: And now, I too had a job!
should be: And now I, too, had a job!
----The following sentence is a bit trite and can be made more exciting: It seemed that the war had done its damage and moved on like a hurricane or a tornado. (Also, try to avoid using the word seem, as it is a huge energy sapper.) As a suggestion, try something with a little more sparkle: The war had done its damage and moved on like a stampeding herd of cattle.
----The biggest distraction comes from having NO dialogue! This is a major oversight as the paragraphs are all TELLING. Dialogue helps to SHOW.
----I googled DIALOGUE and this is what came up: A capable writer uses dialogue to drive a story's plot forward, to bring the reader closer to its climax and, ultimately its conclusion. Dialogue can also help charge scenes with emotion, heightening tension between characters or building suspense ahead of a key event or turning point in the plot.
----It's obvious that you have a lot of creative talent, Jerry. Keep working at it. You have a terrific novel developing here.
Best wishes, Janet
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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I was kept interested all the way through your first chapter. It is easy to root for the speaker, except that his name is never mentioned. This should be corrected. Also, this sentence: And now, I too had a job!
should be: And now I, too, had a job!
----The following sentence is a bit trite and can be made more exciting: It seemed that the war had done its damage and moved on like a hurricane or a tornado. (Also, try to avoid using the word seem, as it is a huge energy sapper.) As a suggestion, try something with a little more sparkle: The war had done its damage and moved on like a stampeding herd of cattle.
----The biggest distraction comes from having NO dialogue! This is a major oversight as the paragraphs are all TELLING. Dialogue helps to SHOW.
----I googled DIALOGUE and this is what came up: A capable writer uses dialogue to drive a story's plot forward, to bring the reader closer to its climax and, ultimately its conclusion. Dialogue can also help charge scenes with emotion, heightening tension between characters or building suspense ahead of a key event or turning point in the plot.
----It's obvious that you have a lot of creative talent, Jerry. Keep working at it. You have a terrific novel developing here.
Best wishes, Janet
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Janet - Thank you for your very thoughtful review. I appreciate the time and effort and have printed out your suggestions. I especially relate to the need for dialogue and an identity for the main character. Thank you and stay well - Jerry
Comment from Anne Johnston
This is a good start for a novel. What you have shared so far has captured interest. I am sure it will probably develop into an interesting story. One thing I noticed: "The Maratre d'" It should be spelled Maitre d.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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This is a good start for a novel. What you have shared so far has captured interest. I am sure it will probably develop into an interesting story. One thing I noticed: "The Maratre d'" It should be spelled Maitre d.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Anne- Thank you for the "excellent" review and the correction. Stay well - Jerry
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You are welcome
Comment from lindafisher
I REALLY ENJOYED READING YOUR FIRST BOOK CHAPTER. I LOVED THE JOURNEY OF THESE HOMELESS BOYS AND HOW THEY PULLED THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS. I WISH YOU WELL IN THE CONTEST.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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I REALLY ENJOYED READING YOUR FIRST BOOK CHAPTER. I LOVED THE JOURNEY OF THESE HOMELESS BOYS AND HOW THEY PULLED THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS. I WISH YOU WELL IN THE CONTEST.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Linda- Thank you for the "excellent" and encouraging review. Stay well - Jerry
Comment from royowen
I really liked this story, I think everyone likes a "rags to riches" story, and this one certainly takes the cake. However, it needs some editing, with a few hieroglyphics ensconced in your writing. It needs some explanations, of parental information, and location, fictional or otherwise. Europe or England would be good, beautifully written my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : I did not (know) things could get any better. 2: adventures along (the) way.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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I really liked this story, I think everyone likes a "rags to riches" story, and this one certainly takes the cake. However, it needs some editing, with a few hieroglyphics ensconced in your writing. It needs some explanations, of parental information, and location, fictional or otherwise. Europe or England would be good, beautifully written my friend, good luck, blessings Roy
Typo : I did not (know) things could get any better. 2: adventures along (the) way.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Roy -Thank you for the "Excellent" review and suggestions. I will fix the typos ASAP. A lot of what you are looking for will come out in future chapters. This is just chapter 1 of a novel that I am working on. Stay well - Jerry
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Well done
Comment from The_Boy_Whodunnit
I like how you introduce parts and then leave them for the reader to ponder... for example the bit about your mother and father, that you had but didn't learn about. It makes for an interesting read.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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I like how you introduce parts and then leave them for the reader to ponder... for example the bit about your mother and father, that you had but didn't learn about. It makes for an interesting read.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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TBW - Thank you for your "Excellent" review and positive feedback.- stay well - Jerry
