Crowd Control
Madeline Brooklyn Bridges knows how to throw a party.8 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Wow! It's like I'm in the presence of celebrity! It reads as if written by an accomplished professional. (Maybe you are. I'll have to google your name!)
I entered this contest, as well. Guess I'd better not be countin' on spendin' the money.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Wow! It's like I'm in the presence of celebrity! It reads as if written by an accomplished professional. (Maybe you are. I'll have to google your name!)
I entered this contest, as well. Guess I'd better not be countin' on spendin' the money.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Hahaha, you just made my whole weekend. Thank you so much, Wayne. I have a few books out, only one under my name, but if I make $12.00 in any given month, I feel flush. So I guess I'm a professional...just not a particularly successful one. Ha. Thanks again.
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smiley face here
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh, I love this opening chapter. I do hope there are more to follow it! How very fun. I love Sedona. She seems quite the Familiar!
You start off with a great teaser to set the tone, then go into the back story. Great characters.
I look forward to more.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Oh, I love this opening chapter. I do hope there are more to follow it! How very fun. I love Sedona. She seems quite the Familiar!
You start off with a great teaser to set the tone, then go into the back story. Great characters.
I look forward to more.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Rhonda! I just submitted this one chapter because of the contest; the book isn't edited or even completely roughed out yet, and with a mystery, you have to make sure all the right clues are buried where they should be before spouting off, so it'll be a while before the next chapters come out. But I appreciate your review and enthusiasm! Thanks again.
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I do understand the backtracking to plant clues. Like you, I don?t start posting novels until they are finished. As a reader, I never understood how it worked. Writing teaches you so much!
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a great opening chapter to Book II. I'll say it again, you have a remarkable voice. Your characters are alive. Maddie is the perfect person to have the reader live in. She's intelligent, clever, cute in an impish way that I love, and has an infectious wit. Your plot seems to grow out of the characters instead of your developing a plot world, then populating it with characters. And that makes all the difference.
"Sedona!" I said, turning to her and reaching out to scratch under her little gray chin. [Question: Does Maddie care that others can hear Sedona talking?" Every time I see Sedona, Maddie and another person together, no one seems amazed that a cat is talking. I guess what I'm saying is that you apparently covered the less-than-natural situation in book I. Don't you think it should be alluded to in book II? Others, like me, who are relative newbies to your novels, must me thinking as I am.]
I looked around to make sure no one was hearing my cat's commentary. [Okay, were getting closer. If it were me, I would introduce something at this point to perhaps explain an awkward encounter between talking Sedona and an "eavesdropper".
Snackydoos, as Dad would have called them, were all over the place, bowls of chips and nuts and other Doohickeys. [God! You have such a delightful voice, Laurie!]
I'm excited for you about this novel.
Jay
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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This is a great opening chapter to Book II. I'll say it again, you have a remarkable voice. Your characters are alive. Maddie is the perfect person to have the reader live in. She's intelligent, clever, cute in an impish way that I love, and has an infectious wit. Your plot seems to grow out of the characters instead of your developing a plot world, then populating it with characters. And that makes all the difference.
"Sedona!" I said, turning to her and reaching out to scratch under her little gray chin. [Question: Does Maddie care that others can hear Sedona talking?" Every time I see Sedona, Maddie and another person together, no one seems amazed that a cat is talking. I guess what I'm saying is that you apparently covered the less-than-natural situation in book I. Don't you think it should be alluded to in book II? Others, like me, who are relative newbies to your novels, must me thinking as I am.]
I looked around to make sure no one was hearing my cat's commentary. [Okay, were getting closer. If it were me, I would introduce something at this point to perhaps explain an awkward encounter between talking Sedona and an "eavesdropper".
Snackydoos, as Dad would have called them, were all over the place, bowls of chips and nuts and other Doohickeys. [God! You have such a delightful voice, Laurie!]
I'm excited for you about this novel.
Jay
Comment Written 13-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Hahaha! Thank you, and yes, since this book isn't edited (or even finished!) yet, I have a LOT of work to do. Do you think it's better to test each chapter here on FanStory...use readers here as sort of a beta group? Even if the book ends up getting completely overhauled a few months from now?
PS I just emailed you. Thank you so much for everything, Jay. You've been a real boon for my morale, especially these last weeks while I've been dragging myself around with Covid. It's been just awful.
Thanks again, and have a great one.
L
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Oh, my goodness, I didn't know you had Covid! That's horrid. There's definitely something to say about using FS readers as a Beta group. The good ones here are beta readers, and their price can't be beat. If Turtle ever comes back to FS do whatever you can to have her review your stories. There are a cople of other good ones.
Comment from lyenochka
I'm glad you entered this in the contest AND you promoted it! You start out with a bang - a dead body and strange characters whom, for some reason, Sedona seems to like! I really liked the play on the name Rudbeckia transformed to Rude Becky! Hope you do well in the contest!
By the way, I'm trying to reduce the number of books I'm following as it's too time-consuming! Best wishes in your future writing!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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I'm glad you entered this in the contest AND you promoted it! You start out with a bang - a dead body and strange characters whom, for some reason, Sedona seems to like! I really liked the play on the name Rudbeckia transformed to Rude Becky! Hope you do well in the contest!
By the way, I'm trying to reduce the number of books I'm following as it's too time-consuming! Best wishes in your future writing!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Thank you a million times over for reading. I know how time slips away when we're on this site, and suddenly you realize you've spend the day reading other people's work when yours is just screaming to get done. I appreciate every minute you spend with me.
Comment from robyn corum
Laurie,
Urrgh! I must have missed the last chapter of the first one? I will have to go looking. Of course, like I said before, I often read backward. Yuck.
This was a super beginning to the next part of the story. I cannot wait to see what you have up your sleeve. *smile* You actually scare me a little. hahaha
Some things to consider:
1.) I just nodded real fast, hoping she would just disappear.
--> just x 2
--> then two more immediately after - one in each successive sentence
--> again in the first line of the following paragraph
--> this may be one of your Achilles heels? Do a 'find'/'search' through your Word doc for 'just' and see what happens
Oh! Well, only ONE thing to consider, I guess. hahaha Thanks so much and good luck!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Laurie,
Urrgh! I must have missed the last chapter of the first one? I will have to go looking. Of course, like I said before, I often read backward. Yuck.
This was a super beginning to the next part of the story. I cannot wait to see what you have up your sleeve. *smile* You actually scare me a little. hahaha
Some things to consider:
1.) I just nodded real fast, hoping she would just disappear.
--> just x 2
--> then two more immediately after - one in each successive sentence
--> again in the first line of the following paragraph
--> this may be one of your Achilles heels? Do a 'find'/'search' through your Word doc for 'just' and see what happens
Oh! Well, only ONE thing to consider, I guess. hahaha Thanks so much and good luck!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
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Great! Thanks. And yes, this book is not finished, not edited, not even truly mapped out in my aging mind, so any and all editing advice is more than welcome, Robyn. I'll edit those 'justs' out right now. Thank you for being there.
L
Comment from irishauthorme
Very good! Liked the way you told everything about the people and the situation from Maddie's POV, her insight into many of the party-goers brought your story alive.
Witches are always interesting and a little threatening, because they can see right into, or through you.
Sedona was great comic relief, personality typical of most independent-minded cats.
Hope to read the next(?) chapter!
Cheers, irish
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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Very good! Liked the way you told everything about the people and the situation from Maddie's POV, her insight into many of the party-goers brought your story alive.
Witches are always interesting and a little threatening, because they can see right into, or through you.
Sedona was great comic relief, personality typical of most independent-minded cats.
Hope to read the next(?) chapter!
Cheers, irish
Comment Written 12-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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Yay! Thanks for reading! I posted the last chapter of my Book One just yesterday, so was a little nervous about rushing into Book Two, but you've given me confidence. Thank you!
Comment from RGstar
Well, this is my last six stars. I didn't know what to expect, but one think I can say. Impeccable writing. You ease back and forth through characters and their goings on, as well demeanors as if you were actually present. Hence the sign of a good writer.
Not sure where it is going yet, but I will pop in when can, with so much to review.
Routined and steadfast.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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Well, this is my last six stars. I didn't know what to expect, but one think I can say. Impeccable writing. You ease back and forth through characters and their goings on, as well demeanors as if you were actually present. Hence the sign of a good writer.
Not sure where it is going yet, but I will pop in when can, with so much to review.
Routined and steadfast.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 12-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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RG! So appreciated, thank you for your time. The next chapters might not be coming in the very near future; I was just submitting this for the contest for First Chapter. I haven't even finished Book Two yet, so hesitate to post chapters without having been edited. But thank you again, and I'll be reading you soon.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I find, as I read, this fiction is a storehouse of so many flavour, I find some adventures, some mysteries, interesting role of Madeline Brooklyn Bridges, a witch owns a plant store in Greenwich Village, she knows how to throw a party, party atmosphere changed like special effects in a movie; we expect, hope, wish something and something else happens; crowd control is the issue; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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I find, as I read, this fiction is a storehouse of so many flavour, I find some adventures, some mysteries, interesting role of Madeline Brooklyn Bridges, a witch owns a plant store in Greenwich Village, she knows how to throw a party, party atmosphere changed like special effects in a movie; we expect, hope, wish something and something else happens; crowd control is the issue; well said, well done; post more. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
Comment Written 12-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2022
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Thank you so very much for your valued time in reading this one! I will post more chapters, but since this one was just for the contest, I hesitate to post without having been edited. Thanks again; your kind words light a fire under me.
