The Zoo Trip
Welcome to the zoo contests entry.4 total reviews
Comment from Patty Palmer
I was surprised to read this gory story about the zoo. I had assumed that it was supposed to be a sweet animal zoo story. I went back and read the prompt and found that you had followed the prompt well. So, I came back and reread it. Now that I knew what to expect I can give you a five star review. This was a very different experience. LOL Good luck with the contest.
Patty
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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I was surprised to read this gory story about the zoo. I had assumed that it was supposed to be a sweet animal zoo story. I went back and read the prompt and found that you had followed the prompt well. So, I came back and reread it. Now that I knew what to expect I can give you a five star review. This was a very different experience. LOL Good luck with the contest.
Patty
Comment Written 10-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Thank you for the great review, Patty. Yeah, I knew there were going to be cute, adorable pieces for the contest. When I saw those crazy rules on the contest page, I took mine a whole different direction. Lol. I really appreciate the generous stars for this over the top, ridiculous write. I hope your new year is starting off great. Thank you again.
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You are welcome.
Patty
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well this one definitely does need a willing suspension of disbelief to be engaged with! lol There's a lot going on.
I think habitat or enclosure may be a more apt choice of word instead of exhibit. One normally associates exhibits with museum or art. - just a thought.
Instantly, he new how
it worked - knew.
Bobo viciously glared at
Doug, that lay broken on the rocks in front of him.
- use who rather than that when referring to people.
The forth tiger spotted it's prey. - its.
Best of luck in the competition
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
Well this one definitely does need a willing suspension of disbelief to be engaged with! lol There's a lot going on.
I think habitat or enclosure may be a more apt choice of word instead of exhibit. One normally associates exhibits with museum or art. - just a thought.
Instantly, he new how
it worked - knew.
Bobo viciously glared at
Doug, that lay broken on the rocks in front of him.
- use who rather than that when referring to people.
The forth tiger spotted it's prey. - its.
Best of luck in the competition
GMG
Comment Written 10-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Thank you for the great review, GMG. I went and changed all the screw-ups. I've been up for too many hours now and couldn't think of the right words. I changed the two instances to habitat and enclosures. I really appreciate the stars and the help, friend. I'm glad you liked this silly piece. Have a good one.
Comment from SimianSavant
This was everything I ever hoped and dreamed this contest could be. Holy hell. I didn't see your last-minute entry before voting, so six stars is the only consolation prize I can offer.
The whole thing is awesome from start to finish. I nearly shat myself laughing through the whole thing. Too bad they don't give us seven star reviews.
Ok so it has a few typos. Even with all these things it's still awesome -- here's a list so you can fix them quickly and get all the credit this piece deserves.
cute, baby goats and sheep <= eliminate comma
left, rear tire <= this comma is also unnecessary; you added it for clarity probably but it slows the pacing just slightly
silver back gorilla <= I think it is one word: silverback
Instantly, he new <= knew
Doug, that lay <= WHO lay
ere
moments passed before the chainsaw breached <= for clarify, add a direct object after "breached", e.g. breached the protective barrier
and then rammed <= "then" is redundant
slamming patrons, like rag dolls, out of his way <= "out of his way like rag dolls" is a little more concise, and keeps the action up
Goat blood splattered him down <= "down" on its own is a little funky. Maybe omit this word, or say "up and down"
The bones cracking in its spine along with the blood-curdling
wail echoed. <= A little awkward to end on the verb
A long pause came between them <= passive voice; try something like "they paused and stared at each other [for a long moment, or whatever]"
Reacting, <=omit. The rest of this sentence is perfect.
"His son declined" <=omit; funnier without this
Once again, awesome work. I am not sure who wrote this but I have a couple guesses, lol.
-Harambe
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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This was everything I ever hoped and dreamed this contest could be. Holy hell. I didn't see your last-minute entry before voting, so six stars is the only consolation prize I can offer.
The whole thing is awesome from start to finish. I nearly shat myself laughing through the whole thing. Too bad they don't give us seven star reviews.
Ok so it has a few typos. Even with all these things it's still awesome -- here's a list so you can fix them quickly and get all the credit this piece deserves.
cute, baby goats and sheep <= eliminate comma
left, rear tire <= this comma is also unnecessary; you added it for clarity probably but it slows the pacing just slightly
silver back gorilla <= I think it is one word: silverback
Instantly, he new <= knew
Doug, that lay <= WHO lay
ere
moments passed before the chainsaw breached <= for clarify, add a direct object after "breached", e.g. breached the protective barrier
and then rammed <= "then" is redundant
slamming patrons, like rag dolls, out of his way <= "out of his way like rag dolls" is a little more concise, and keeps the action up
Goat blood splattered him down <= "down" on its own is a little funky. Maybe omit this word, or say "up and down"
The bones cracking in its spine along with the blood-curdling
wail echoed. <= A little awkward to end on the verb
A long pause came between them <= passive voice; try something like "they paused and stared at each other [for a long moment, or whatever]"
Reacting, <=omit. The rest of this sentence is perfect.
"His son declined" <=omit; funnier without this
Once again, awesome work. I am not sure who wrote this but I have a couple guesses, lol.
-Harambe
Comment Written 10-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Thank you for the big sixer, Harambe. I went and fixed all the spelling and comma screw ups. I'm going to reevaluate the other suggestions tomorrow. I've been up for way too long today. Yeah, I figured with the violence aspect on the contest page "and lots of it" I'd go with that. Lol. I also took out the last line. Thanks again for the giant sixer, friend. I was hoping this was what you were wanting. I'm sure no one else will like it but who cares? I had fun, that's all that matters. Haha I'm glad you had a chuckle or two along the way. Have a good one.
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Well I am going to share it with my four brothers and they will get a huge kick out of it.
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Of course the two entries that completely ignored the point of the contest and were not even vaguely funny won the popular vote. The George Washington contest entries were just as bad. Still, it was totally worth it. Maybe I can recruit some of my crazy young friends to the site. I am guessing one has to be a paying member to vote though.
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Yeah, they'll have to have a membership to be able to vote. Yes, lame stuff seems to win a lot on here. If you want to win money, write like you are writing to a little child or old lady. lol Thanks again, friend. Ron
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Maybe after you 'x' out of seven different ads, you can actually read this.
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Yeah I saw there were literally seven ads on the last thing I shared with a friend. Five of them were inline with the text. WTF. I bitched about it on the forum. If it stays that way I'll start mocking it in my writing too, and add a bunch of fake (or real) ads to annoy people even more
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Well, that was interesting. I laugh multiple times throughout even as deadly as it was. Hope you had fun but please don't invite me to go to the zoo with you.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Well, that was interesting. I laugh multiple times throughout even as deadly as it was. Hope you had fun but please don't invite me to go to the zoo with you.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Hahaha. Okay, friend, I won't. Thank you for the great review and stars, Tom. I'm glad you had a couple chuckles at this ridiculous piece.
