Reviews from

The Zoo Trip

Welcome to the zoo contests entry.

4 total reviews 
Comment from Patty Palmer
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I was surprised to read this gory story about the zoo. I had assumed that it was supposed to be a sweet animal zoo story. I went back and read the prompt and found that you had followed the prompt well. So, I came back and reread it. Now that I knew what to expect I can give you a five star review. This was a very different experience. LOL Good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the great review, Patty. Yeah, I knew there were going to be cute, adorable pieces for the contest. When I saw those crazy rules on the contest page, I took mine a whole different direction. Lol. I really appreciate the generous stars for this over the top, ridiculous write. I hope your new year is starting off great. Thank you again.
reply by Patty Palmer on 10-Jan-2022
    You are welcome.
Comment from giraffmang
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

Well this one definitely does need a willing suspension of disbelief to be engaged with! lol There's a lot going on.

I think habitat or enclosure may be a more apt choice of word instead of exhibit. One normally associates exhibits with museum or art. - just a thought.

Instantly, he new how
it worked - knew.

Bobo viciously glared at
Doug, that lay broken on the rocks in front of him.
- use who rather than that when referring to people.

The forth tiger spotted it's prey. - its.

Best of luck in the competition

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the great review, GMG. I went and changed all the screw-ups. I've been up for too many hours now and couldn't think of the right words. I changed the two instances to habitat and enclosures. I really appreciate the stars and the help, friend. I'm glad you liked this silly piece. Have a good one.
Comment from HarambeForPresident
This work has reached the exceptional level

This was everything I ever hoped and dreamed this contest could be. Holy hell. I didn't see your last-minute entry before voting, so six stars is the only consolation prize I can offer.

The whole thing is awesome from start to finish. I nearly shat myself laughing through the whole thing. Too bad they don't give us seven star reviews.

Ok so it has a few typos. Even with all these things it's still awesome -- here's a list so you can fix them quickly and get all the credit this piece deserves.

cute, baby goats and sheep <= eliminate comma

left, rear tire <= this comma is also unnecessary; you added it for clarity probably but it slows the pacing just slightly

silver back gorilla <= I think it is one word: silverback

Instantly, he new <= knew

Doug, that lay <= WHO lay

moments passed before the chainsaw breached <= for clarify, add a direct object after "breached", e.g. breached the protective barrier

and then rammed <= "then" is redundant

slamming patrons, like rag dolls, out of his way <= "out of his way like rag dolls" is a little more concise, and keeps the action up

Goat blood splattered him down <= "down" on its own is a little funky. Maybe omit this word, or say "up and down"

The bones cracking in its spine along with the blood-curdling
wail echoed. <= A little awkward to end on the verb

A long pause came between them <= passive voice; try something like "they paused and stared at each other [for a long moment, or whatever]"

Reacting, <=omit. The rest of this sentence is perfect.

"His son declined" <=omit; funnier without this

Once again, awesome work. I am not sure who wrote this but I have a couple guesses, lol.


 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Thank you for the big sixer, Harambe. I went and fixed all the spelling and comma screw ups. I'm going to reevaluate the other suggestions tomorrow. I've been up for way too long today. Yeah, I figured with the violence aspect on the contest page "and lots of it" I'd go with that. Lol. I also took out the last line. Thanks again for the giant sixer, friend. I was hoping this was what you were wanting. I'm sure no one else will like it but who cares? I had fun, that's all that matters. Haha I'm glad you had a chuckle or two along the way. Have a good one.
reply by HarambeForPresident on 10-Jan-2022
    Well I am going to share it with my four brothers and they will get a huge kick out of it.
reply by HarambeForPresident on 12-Jan-2022
    Of course the two entries that completely ignored the point of the contest and were not even vaguely funny won the popular vote. The George Washington contest entries were just as bad. Still, it was totally worth it. Maybe I can recruit some of my crazy young friends to the site. I am guessing one has to be a paying member to vote though.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
    Yeah, they'll have to have a membership to be able to vote. Yes, lame stuff seems to win a lot on here. If you want to win money, write like you are writing to a little child or old lady. lol Thanks again, friend. Ron
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2022
    Maybe after you 'x' out of seven different ads, you can actually read this.
reply by HarambeForPresident on 13-Jan-2022
    Yeah I saw there were literally seven ads on the last thing I shared with a friend. Five of them were inline with the text. WTF. I bitched about it on the forum. If it stays that way I'll start mocking it in my writing too, and add a bunch of fake (or real) ads to annoy people even more
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Well, that was interesting. I laugh multiple times throughout even as deadly as it was. Hope you had fun but please don't invite me to go to the zoo with you.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2022

reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
    Hahaha. Okay, friend, I won't. Thank you for the great review and stars, Tom. I'm glad you had a couple chuckles at this ridiculous piece.