Death Leap
Some things simply must be done... even if it means death.4 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a fantastic Flash Story. I presume it is not in fact fiction, but a memory of your childhood. I particularly loved the line about the sharks (makes me digress to a funny [to us] family memory of shark's fin soup, that I have now added to my list of things 'to write'...
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
  |
This is a fantastic Flash Story. I presume it is not in fact fiction, but a memory of your childhood. I particularly loved the line about the sharks (makes me digress to a funny [to us] family memory of shark's fin soup, that I have now added to my list of things 'to write'...
Comment Written 04-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
-
Thank you for your delightful insight. I love it when my writing can stir memories in the reader. That is the ultimate payment for any writer.
Comment from dellsworthpoet
A nice catching of the hyperbole of concern over new things which never fully goes away.
The language is strong and depicts a catastrophic event in the making. The flow is good. The images are clear. The ending is a twist that puts the whole story into a new light.
I would suggest that shorter sentences would convey the feeling of urgency better.
You wrote:
""You can do it, Charlie." The voice was meant to be encouraging but Charlie's heart was still racing and all he wanted to do was turn around and tell everyone not to jump. But he knew that wasn't possible. The jump was the only way. He looked at the waters again. It was general knowledge that there were no sharks in this area, but..."
Think of the feeling of immediacy with:
"You can do it Charlie." The voice was meant to be encouraging. Charlie's heart was still racing. He wanted to tell everyone not to jump. He knew it wasn't possible.
Thanks for a good read.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
|
A nice catching of the hyperbole of concern over new things which never fully goes away.
The language is strong and depicts a catastrophic event in the making. The flow is good. The images are clear. The ending is a twist that puts the whole story into a new light.
I would suggest that shorter sentences would convey the feeling of urgency better.
You wrote:
""You can do it, Charlie." The voice was meant to be encouraging but Charlie's heart was still racing and all he wanted to do was turn around and tell everyone not to jump. But he knew that wasn't possible. The jump was the only way. He looked at the waters again. It was general knowledge that there were no sharks in this area, but..."
Think of the feeling of immediacy with:
"You can do it Charlie." The voice was meant to be encouraging. Charlie's heart was still racing. He wanted to tell everyone not to jump. He knew it wasn't possible.
Thanks for a good read.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
-
Thank you for your input. I can see several places where more "salsa" words could increase the suspense. I appreciate your help.
-
You are welcome.
Comment from LisaMay
Terrific story! You've captured the turmoil of Charlie's busy thoughts very dramatically. It is easy to imagine a threatening survival situation of extreme danger, then the delightful revelation of a child's leap of faith into daddy's arms provides a chuckle of relief. I also enjoyed the spiritual overtones. Clever, skilful writing.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
 |
Terrific story! You've captured the turmoil of Charlie's busy thoughts very dramatically. It is easy to imagine a threatening survival situation of extreme danger, then the delightful revelation of a child's leap of faith into daddy's arms provides a chuckle of relief. I also enjoyed the spiritual overtones. Clever, skilful writing.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
-
Thank you for your kind review. I am new to this site so I cling to every review I can get... good OR bad. You made me feel like entering more. Thank you.
-
Welcome to FanStory. If this writing is typical then you will do well. I am going to become a Fan so i don't miss out on your writings.
Comment from Malerie
Cute, I was waiting on the punch line. My mind was racing with anticipation as I tried to figure out where you were going with this. This story certainly holds the reader's attention and the end is unexpected. Well done
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
|
Cute, I was waiting on the punch line. My mind was racing with anticipation as I tried to figure out where you were going with this. This story certainly holds the reader's attention and the end is unexpected. Well done
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
-
Thank you. The contest needed a surprise ending so on this one I just wrote the last sentence first and then built a story to lead up to it. Thank you for your comments. They fuel me.
