Vanished
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Vanished"Mystery and Crime
18 total reviews
Comment from Carol Clark2
So glad you've begun another novel with the same team of characters, plus a few more. You're off to a good start. Lots of interesting description, and tension with Annie seeing something outside, and Liz and Faith also noticing it. That raises good questions in the first chapter. Just a suggestion: I don't think of fog as being wispy. Already looking forward to more chapters. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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So glad you've begun another novel with the same team of characters, plus a few more. You're off to a good start. Lots of interesting description, and tension with Annie seeing something outside, and Liz and Faith also noticing it. That raises good questions in the first chapter. Just a suggestion: I don't think of fog as being wispy. Already looking forward to more chapters. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
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It's a real active story with things happening in every chapter. WE are riding a roller coaster once again.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from eliz100
This is a wonderful opening chapter. It was an interesting read from beginning to end. I like the picture you chose. I did not read the first writing of this chapter. I think your addition works well.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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This is a wonderful opening chapter. It was an interesting read from beginning to end. I like the picture you chose. I did not read the first writing of this chapter. I think your addition works well.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Forgive me for the late thank you and appreciation of your review. Like you, life sometimes gets to overflowing and we have to take a step back. I always appreciate your kindness. Carol
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Well--what a delightful reunion! Glad you picked up the thread on this group--sorry about Mary. Gripping and vivid--masterful narration.
heads up--you pasted one section twice (notwithstanding the intentional red text)
Shivering, Annie pressed her face against the glass, hoping for a better view. Strands of long, black hair crossed [her=>THE WOMAN'S] pale face. She appeared to wear layers of white, flowing gossamer in the moonlight.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Well--what a delightful reunion! Glad you picked up the thread on this group--sorry about Mary. Gripping and vivid--masterful narration.
heads up--you pasted one section twice (notwithstanding the intentional red text)
Shivering, Annie pressed her face against the glass, hoping for a better view. Strands of long, black hair crossed [her=>THE WOMAN'S] pale face. She appeared to wear layers of white, flowing gossamer in the moonlight.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your time and kindness in reading my post.
Have a great day!
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As of today, I have only read privileges. Though I can no longer post or review, I'll be keeping up with correspondence--if I don't catch you first--message me and I'll respond!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this opening chapter, especially the opening section. Lots of nice description. I made some notes as I read through, many are subjective, so take what you will! lol
I have to admit to not being familiar with the term Strawberry moon so I googled it! lol
Closer to the house and winery, earlier rain cooled the air, producing a layer of ground fog. In some places, the mist floated like cotton puffs; in others, it cloaked the grapevines and smaller structures.- this section gave me pause. the earlier rain bit felt a little awkward but more-so the fog/mist. I know this may sound pedantic but fog and mist aren't really interchangeable. It has to be with density and visibility. Mist is finer and more opaque.
Her eyelids drooped, then fluttered open as she fought to continue reading. - how true is that!
Tap, tap, tap. It was louder and echoed in the room.- consider using a different sound definition here than tap. Given that it's supposed to be louder this could be denoted here rather than repeating the tapping. You could even omit the sound and describe it as louder and more insistent.
The young girl's heart was pounding with fear. She pulled the blankets over her head, praying whoever it was would go away.- there's a school of thought which says that naming the senses isn't the way to go. 'with fear' can be redundant if you show the fear rather than tell. If you omit ted it here (with fear), the actions infer the emotion.
I take it the blue denotes the text of the book Annie is reading but it isn't really necessary as you've put it in italics. It's almost denoting it twice.
he vineyard glowed beneath the moonlight.- just make sure this is consistent in description given the fog was cloaking the grapevines earlier.
She was young, but she knew their lives were blessed.- how young is she. you could give her age here, it would seem the perfect opportunity.
The wispy fog shaded the image,- fog is more opaque than wispy. See previous comment about the difference of mist & fog.
Shivering, Annie pressed her face against the glass, hoping for a better view. Strands of long, black hair crossed her pale face. She appeared to wear layers of white, flowing gossamer in the moonlight.- i think you could define this more. In the first sentence it's about Annie but then goes straight into a description of the woman. It could read that the description was about Annie without a clarifier such as strands of long, black hair crossed the woman's face.
Who was this woman, and why would she be standing there in the dark?- this is in blue, albeit a slightly different shade but you've also used blue for book text. maybe rethink this.
I wouldn't go for different colours at all.
Pushing the curtain aside, Annie looked outside. - why would one of the windows have the curtains pulled and not the other? (she never pulled back the curtains to see outside initially from the other window - struck me as odd)
Flour covered the front of her apron and speckled her brown hair. "It's been a long day, Sis." Grabbing a dish towel, she wiped the flour from her face.- this may be quite minor but in the initial description of flour, it doesn't mention her face but she wipes it off it.
Faith washed the last mixing bowl / "I shiver when I think how Mason's crew almost killed you by replacing your chemo shot with poison every day."- this entire section is repeated.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this opening chapter, especially the opening section. Lots of nice description. I made some notes as I read through, many are subjective, so take what you will! lol
I have to admit to not being familiar with the term Strawberry moon so I googled it! lol
Closer to the house and winery, earlier rain cooled the air, producing a layer of ground fog. In some places, the mist floated like cotton puffs; in others, it cloaked the grapevines and smaller structures.- this section gave me pause. the earlier rain bit felt a little awkward but more-so the fog/mist. I know this may sound pedantic but fog and mist aren't really interchangeable. It has to be with density and visibility. Mist is finer and more opaque.
Her eyelids drooped, then fluttered open as she fought to continue reading. - how true is that!
Tap, tap, tap. It was louder and echoed in the room.- consider using a different sound definition here than tap. Given that it's supposed to be louder this could be denoted here rather than repeating the tapping. You could even omit the sound and describe it as louder and more insistent.
The young girl's heart was pounding with fear. She pulled the blankets over her head, praying whoever it was would go away.- there's a school of thought which says that naming the senses isn't the way to go. 'with fear' can be redundant if you show the fear rather than tell. If you omit ted it here (with fear), the actions infer the emotion.
I take it the blue denotes the text of the book Annie is reading but it isn't really necessary as you've put it in italics. It's almost denoting it twice.
he vineyard glowed beneath the moonlight.- just make sure this is consistent in description given the fog was cloaking the grapevines earlier.
She was young, but she knew their lives were blessed.- how young is she. you could give her age here, it would seem the perfect opportunity.
The wispy fog shaded the image,- fog is more opaque than wispy. See previous comment about the difference of mist & fog.
Shivering, Annie pressed her face against the glass, hoping for a better view. Strands of long, black hair crossed her pale face. She appeared to wear layers of white, flowing gossamer in the moonlight.- i think you could define this more. In the first sentence it's about Annie but then goes straight into a description of the woman. It could read that the description was about Annie without a clarifier such as strands of long, black hair crossed the woman's face.
Who was this woman, and why would she be standing there in the dark?- this is in blue, albeit a slightly different shade but you've also used blue for book text. maybe rethink this.
I wouldn't go for different colours at all.
Pushing the curtain aside, Annie looked outside. - why would one of the windows have the curtains pulled and not the other? (she never pulled back the curtains to see outside initially from the other window - struck me as odd)
Flour covered the front of her apron and speckled her brown hair. "It's been a long day, Sis." Grabbing a dish towel, she wiped the flour from her face.- this may be quite minor but in the initial description of flour, it doesn't mention her face but she wipes it off it.
Faith washed the last mixing bowl / "I shiver when I think how Mason's crew almost killed you by replacing your chemo shot with poison every day."- this entire section is repeated.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your time and kindness in reading my post.
Have a great day!
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Ooohh... Nice opening. And a totally different direction than the other stories. Intriguing, for sure.
Very interesting!
One note on corrections - a need for deletions:
Beginning with 'Faith washing the last mixing bowl' -- to - 'poison in the shots.' - is all repeated
Thanks!
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Carol,
Ooohh... Nice opening. And a totally different direction than the other stories. Intriguing, for sure.
Very interesting!
One note on corrections - a need for deletions:
Beginning with 'Faith washing the last mixing bowl' -- to - 'poison in the shots.' - is all repeated
Thanks!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2022
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Thank you for your time and kindness in reading my post.
Have a great day!
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, we're back in Napa Valley with the old crew. I wonder how much older Annie is now? I wonder what she saw. Was the "phantom" woman in the window Michael's aunt, still haunting the place?
Nice to see the twins enjoying each other!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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Oh, we're back in Napa Valley with the old crew. I wonder how much older Annie is now? I wonder what she saw. Was the "phantom" woman in the window Michael's aunt, still haunting the place?
Nice to see the twins enjoying each other!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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Yes, we traveled back to Napa Valley and the whole crew will be back together...plus a few others it seems. I'm thinking of Annie to be about ten and a very inquisitive young girl.. after all her life has been quite a roller coaster. She'll fear the church but remember Miguel fondly. Her young mind pictured things differently than an adult. The church brought her harm and in the end, Miguel saved her even at his own expense.
Hugs, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
You've done a good job at setting up another novel, Carol. I like that you're using the same basic characters. It will be easier to keep track of them. You've already hinted at some potential problems. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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You've done a good job at setting up another novel, Carol. I like that you're using the same basic characters. It will be easier to keep track of them. You've already hinted at some potential problems. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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I thank you for your kind review, but I feel I let the reader and myself down with the first chapter. I have revised the last third (first paragraph highlighted in red) and if you have the time, I would appreciate a re-read and comments if possible. I want to start off with a bang and I feel it was a fizzle.
Sincerely appreciated, Carol
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I will take a look, Carol. To be honest, although you had beautiful imagery in the beginning paragraphs, I felt maybe it was too much. It took to long to get to any action. :)
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I took a look, and yes, I think this is a much better ending. It connects what Annie saw, with reality since Faith and Liz saw her too. Hugs
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Never be afraid to tell me those types of things, Judy. I appreciate when those who are faithful followers recognize where I've gotten off track.
Thanks again- Carol
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I so appreciate you taking a second look. Smiles and hugs, Carol
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I'll remember that, Carol. I feel the same way.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Back and forth between memories that keep the one alive. So sorry for the loss of some of these brave souls. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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Back and forth between memories that keep the one alive. So sorry for the loss of some of these brave souls. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Iza. this chapter isn't sitting well with me so I might have to do some revisions, but I guess I needed a starting point, right? Hope you are doing well.
Hugs, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
So pleased to see you are writing another one, with the same characters. It will be interesting to see how their lives progress after the past dramas. I strongly suspect things will not be smooth! Well written
Wendy
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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So pleased to see you are writing another one, with the same characters. It will be interesting to see how their lives progress after the past dramas. I strongly suspect things will not be smooth! Well written
Wendy
Comment Written 02-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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I thank you for your kind review, but I feel I let the reader and myself down with the first chapter. I have revised the last third (first paragraph highlighted in red) and if you have the time, I would appreciate a re-read and comments if possible. I want to start off with a bang and I feel it was a fizzle.
Sincerely appreciated, Carol
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Yes, I re-read it, and it does seem better, more intriguing, and leaves the reader more up in suspense, with some-one vanishing into thin air, another wandering around with a loaded shotgun!!
Comment from royowen
I think you're fond of these characters you've created Carol, but.I like the fact you've included Annie, with Sebastian her dog as two key characters in this new episode, and all our old favourites, and written out Mary as a victim of Covid. Of course Cassidy is falling for "shady" characters too. Beautifully written Carol, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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I think you're fond of these characters you've created Carol, but.I like the fact you've included Annie, with Sebastian her dog as two key characters in this new episode, and all our old favourites, and written out Mary as a victim of Covid. Of course Cassidy is falling for "shady" characters too. Beautifully written Carol, blessings Roy
Comment Written 02-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2022
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I thank you for your kind review, but I feel I let the reader and myself down with the first chapter. I have revised the last third (first paragraph highlighted in red) and if you have the time, I would appreciate a re-read and comments if possible. I want to start off with a bang and I feel it was a fizzle.
Sincerely appreciated, Carol
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Don?t castigate yourself Carol, when your head is clearer, don?t be hard on yourself dear girl, go back then, but I think it?s fine,
