The Return
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Return Chapter 1"Erotic Turmoil
45 total reviews
Comment from Bekah_007
Hi! Thank you for sharing this wonderful story! It's intriguing and engaging right from the start. You put the reader in the story straight away - someone tracing a picture in the window and her heart fluttering before she tells herself it's ridiculous. I suspect we've all had thoughts that we later tell ourselves are ridiculous, and that lets the reader relate to the character right away.
In addition to the relateable character, all the little details bring the story to life! The agent buried in a book when Margot walks in, the autumn colors outside the window of the car, the "last few roses" that are "clinging bravely to the stem" (I love this line!!), and I could go on too, but moving on to more (hopefully) helpful feedback:
These are just things I noticed as I read and are here for you to take or leave as you see fit:
- Here and there were extra words that slow the reader down and may take them out of the story a little bit
Examples:
"Why would she even consider moving?" â?? "Why would she move?" or
"Why would she consider moving?"
"So why was she so drawn to this one?" â?? "So why was she drawn to this one?"
"With a bright smile that quickly reached his milky grey eyes" â?? "with a bright smile that reached his milky grey eyes"
(Also, just wanna say I love your description of this character, I feel like I can picture him). Idea related to this line: You could also play with changing out the verb "reached." For example "with a bright smile that shone in his milky grey eyes." Idk, I'm sure you can come up with something better or maybe you want to leave it as is.
"There was something so inviting about the place." â?? "There was something inviting about the place."
"...and she really quite liked the idea." â?? "and she found she quite liked the idea" or "and she liked the idea" or "and she found she liked the idea"
- Perhaps include a small clarification at the beginning "The [picture] of the large stone house was still there." At first I thought she was actually at the stone house (because my very literal brain read that she was looking at the house itself), and I was trying to figure out if the estate agent lived in the house or something.
- "..surprising Margot with his firm grip for a man of his advanced years." The grammar of this sentence threw me off a bit. Consider changing up the sentence structure to flow more smoothly. Perhaps, "...reaching out his hand and grasping Margot's with a grip firmer than his advanced years would suggest." Idk, I'm sure you can come up with something better, or maybe it's fine as is and I just need to charge my brain with more sleep (or coffee) so I can track.
- When Margot mentions fragmented memories flooding her mind, as a reader, I feel left out not knowing what those memories are. Perhaps you are keeping them hidden for a reason, but if there isn't a reason to hide these memories from the reader, consider giving a brief description. Just a little detail of a smile from someone, or a design on a teapot that's on the coffee table in her memory, or an image of someone sitting in a chair by the fire would give the reader something to ponder. It would be another puzzle piece for the reader to turn over in their brain and wonder at.
--
Overall, wow! The story you are weaving together here is wonderful! All the mysteries! Why is Margot drawn to this house? Why is it so cheap? Why does the agent not remember it? I'm invested already! I was invested like three sentences in. Thank you for blessing this place with your skilled storytelling!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Hi! Thank you for sharing this wonderful story! It's intriguing and engaging right from the start. You put the reader in the story straight away - someone tracing a picture in the window and her heart fluttering before she tells herself it's ridiculous. I suspect we've all had thoughts that we later tell ourselves are ridiculous, and that lets the reader relate to the character right away.
In addition to the relateable character, all the little details bring the story to life! The agent buried in a book when Margot walks in, the autumn colors outside the window of the car, the "last few roses" that are "clinging bravely to the stem" (I love this line!!), and I could go on too, but moving on to more (hopefully) helpful feedback:
These are just things I noticed as I read and are here for you to take or leave as you see fit:
- Here and there were extra words that slow the reader down and may take them out of the story a little bit
Examples:
"Why would she even consider moving?" â?? "Why would she move?" or
"Why would she consider moving?"
"So why was she so drawn to this one?" â?? "So why was she drawn to this one?"
"With a bright smile that quickly reached his milky grey eyes" â?? "with a bright smile that reached his milky grey eyes"
(Also, just wanna say I love your description of this character, I feel like I can picture him). Idea related to this line: You could also play with changing out the verb "reached." For example "with a bright smile that shone in his milky grey eyes." Idk, I'm sure you can come up with something better or maybe you want to leave it as is.
"There was something so inviting about the place." â?? "There was something inviting about the place."
"...and she really quite liked the idea." â?? "and she found she quite liked the idea" or "and she liked the idea" or "and she found she liked the idea"
- Perhaps include a small clarification at the beginning "The [picture] of the large stone house was still there." At first I thought she was actually at the stone house (because my very literal brain read that she was looking at the house itself), and I was trying to figure out if the estate agent lived in the house or something.
- "..surprising Margot with his firm grip for a man of his advanced years." The grammar of this sentence threw me off a bit. Consider changing up the sentence structure to flow more smoothly. Perhaps, "...reaching out his hand and grasping Margot's with a grip firmer than his advanced years would suggest." Idk, I'm sure you can come up with something better, or maybe it's fine as is and I just need to charge my brain with more sleep (or coffee) so I can track.
- When Margot mentions fragmented memories flooding her mind, as a reader, I feel left out not knowing what those memories are. Perhaps you are keeping them hidden for a reason, but if there isn't a reason to hide these memories from the reader, consider giving a brief description. Just a little detail of a smile from someone, or a design on a teapot that's on the coffee table in her memory, or an image of someone sitting in a chair by the fire would give the reader something to ponder. It would be another puzzle piece for the reader to turn over in their brain and wonder at.
--
Overall, wow! The story you are weaving together here is wonderful! All the mysteries! Why is Margot drawn to this house? Why is it so cheap? Why does the agent not remember it? I'm invested already! I was invested like three sentences in. Thank you for blessing this place with your skilled storytelling!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2022
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Hi Bekaha, thank you so very much for this amazing review and the help. I'm just doing my final editing now that the book is finished so this will help me enormously. I really appreciate your thoughts and help, and the time you've spent. I'm also thrilled that you enjoyed the start of the story. Thank you! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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It is a joy! I look forward to reading the rest of the story! Just gotta clear the clutter from my schedule so I can sit down and enjoy the piece the way it deserves!
Comment from irishauthorme
Great! A very interesting, and fast-moving story. I liked Margot's anticipation and her fascination with the house. Her premonition even before she entered was expert foreshadowing. The mixup about the time of the posting of the house in the realtor's window added to the mystery.
And now, of course, I have to read another chapter!
irish
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2022
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Great! A very interesting, and fast-moving story. I liked Margot's anticipation and her fascination with the house. Her premonition even before she entered was expert foreshadowing. The mixup about the time of the posting of the house in the realtor's window added to the mystery.
And now, of course, I have to read another chapter!
irish
Comment Written 02-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2022
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I love your reviews! It's so nice of you to read from the beginning, you might pick up on errors that I and others have missed. I will be doing an edit and polish in a few weeks times. Thanks again, my new friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from dragonpoet
Sandra,
This is a good start to a time travel/ghost story. It seems like she might meet a past love from an alternate time line.
Keep writing and stay healthly
Joan
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Sandra,
This is a good start to a time travel/ghost story. It seems like she might meet a past love from an alternate time line.
Keep writing and stay healthly
Joan
Comment Written 18-May-2022
reply by the author on 19-May-2022
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Joan. I really appreciate it. Yes, Margot's emotions are going to be all over the place!! Have a wonderful day, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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You are most kindly welcome, Sandra.
Joan
Comment from Yuffie
I always enjoy your writing. You have such passion for it, and I can see it through your words and your characters. I also connected with the older man having a "senior moment" as I have many of them myself! Anyway, I'm glad she doesn't mind ghosts, cause I have a feeling she will be seeing a lot of them.
I'm glad I finally have some time to really read this!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
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I always enjoy your writing. You have such passion for it, and I can see it through your words and your characters. I also connected with the older man having a "senior moment" as I have many of them myself! Anyway, I'm glad she doesn't mind ghosts, cause I have a feeling she will be seeing a lot of them.
I'm glad I finally have some time to really read this!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2022
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Thank you so much, Yuffie, for going back to read from the beginning, I'll be catching up with yours as well. I, too, have those senior moments, sometimes they can be embarrassing! Lol. Thank you for giving this a sixth star, that was so generous of you. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
I missed a chapter, Sandra! I"m going to use COVID as my excuse this time... I have to get my game back or come up wiht more excuses. lol . I actually am recovering from the virus, but didn't have a bad case at all. So using it seems ... too convenient!
I'm loving the storyteller that you are. Great descriptions (milky gray eyes) and dialogue.
A couple, if I may:
~ he said, reaching out his hand, surprising Margot with his firm grip for a man of his advanced years. >> This might read smooteher if it's two sentences.
~ Oh well,' he said, shrugging, 'it must be one of those senior moments people get at my age!' >> Again, I'd make his dialogue two sentences. Easier for the reader.
~ at least my day ff would be... >> Should this be past tense? The rest of it is present. Which brings me to a joke!
The past, the present and the future all went into a bar together. It was a tense moment.
HAHAHAHAhahahaha!
Okay, so it's not THAT funny, but I got a kick out of it. It's old, but sitll funny.
~ had the ridiculous, almost laughable, notion that she >> I don't think you need the comma before 'notion'.
Oh, I'm going to like this a lot! I like both the characters and, even though I assume Mr. Reed is only in it for a minute, you did a good job developing him. It's a great and intriguing beginning!
The suggesitons are all minor and at your discretion, of course!
Blessings and hugs,
Debs
~
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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I missed a chapter, Sandra! I"m going to use COVID as my excuse this time... I have to get my game back or come up wiht more excuses. lol . I actually am recovering from the virus, but didn't have a bad case at all. So using it seems ... too convenient!
I'm loving the storyteller that you are. Great descriptions (milky gray eyes) and dialogue.
A couple, if I may:
~ he said, reaching out his hand, surprising Margot with his firm grip for a man of his advanced years. >> This might read smooteher if it's two sentences.
~ Oh well,' he said, shrugging, 'it must be one of those senior moments people get at my age!' >> Again, I'd make his dialogue two sentences. Easier for the reader.
~ at least my day ff would be... >> Should this be past tense? The rest of it is present. Which brings me to a joke!
The past, the present and the future all went into a bar together. It was a tense moment.
HAHAHAHAhahahaha!
Okay, so it's not THAT funny, but I got a kick out of it. It's old, but sitll funny.
~ had the ridiculous, almost laughable, notion that she >> I don't think you need the comma before 'notion'.
Oh, I'm going to like this a lot! I like both the characters and, even though I assume Mr. Reed is only in it for a minute, you did a good job developing him. It's a great and intriguing beginning!
The suggesitons are all minor and at your discretion, of course!
Blessings and hugs,
Debs
~
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much for going through this chapter, too, Debs, now I can put that part to bed knowing it's perfect! I'm glad you are enjoying this story. Thanks so much, my friend. xxx Sandra xx
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Ewwwww, Shivers! I'm hooked. LOL This is like the movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muier." May not be how you spell her name, but I think most of us have heard of the movie. I think this will be a good one knowing you. Good job, Sandra. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Ewwwww, Shivers! I'm hooked. LOL This is like the movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muier." May not be how you spell her name, but I think most of us have heard of the movie. I think this will be a good one knowing you. Good job, Sandra. Nancy:)
Comment Written 09-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2022
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Aww, bless you, Nancy! That is so nice of you to go and read the first chapter. Thank you so much for the sixth star, and lovely review. I loved that film, I must have watched The Ghost and Mrs Muir a few times, so romantic. No, this story is a romance, but different from that one. Thank you, dear friend. Love and hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi Sandra ,
I feel a travel back in time for Margot lol
She will discover her past lover and shall look forward to how you create her story
Always good to read your stories
Awaiting Chapter 2
Cheers Chrisxx
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Hi Sandra ,
I feel a travel back in time for Margot lol
She will discover her past lover and shall look forward to how you create her story
Always good to read your stories
Awaiting Chapter 2
Cheers Chrisxx
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much for giving me one of your precious sixes, Chris, and the fabulous review to go with it! I'm delighted you are into my story, it's the first chapter that with either keep you, or lose you. I'm really encouraged by your words. Thank you, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
If someone I couldn't see or hear wrapped arms around me, breathing on my neck, I'd run as fast as I could, which isn't very fast, to safety.
Or I'd hope she was a female, a friendly female, but falling for a ghost has many drawbacks.
A great beginning to your new novel, nothing like a good ole ghost story.
Speaking of old houses, did you know "Crawley" is the name of the family on Downton Abbey?
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Hello Sandra,
If someone I couldn't see or hear wrapped arms around me, breathing on my neck, I'd run as fast as I could, which isn't very fast, to safety.
Or I'd hope she was a female, a friendly female, but falling for a ghost has many drawbacks.
A great beginning to your new novel, nothing like a good ole ghost story.
Speaking of old houses, did you know "Crawley" is the name of the family on Downton Abbey?
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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I think you and Pam will be jealous to know that I've been inside 'Downton Abbey' real name 'Highclere Castle'. Although the fictional Downton Abbey is supposed to be in Yorkshire, it's actually in Hampshire. It's just over half an hour's drive from where I live. The grounds are lovely in the spring. Look it up. Next time we pop into Andover to shop, we'll continue on and I'll get Graham to take a photo of me there.
Thank you so much for this lovely review, and that shiny sixth star, Robert, I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. Part two will reveal a little more. Thank you again, my friend, have a wonderful day. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your story is off to a great start, Sandra. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You gave readers many details that led up to Margot entering the house and remembering . . . .I believe the agent will be important in her journey.
I love old houses as there is much to discover, and this one won't disappoint.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Your story is off to a great start, Sandra. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You gave readers many details that led up to Margot entering the house and remembering . . . .I believe the agent will be important in her journey.
I love old houses as there is much to discover, and this one won't disappoint.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Thank you so much, Jan! I really love reading your reviews. I'm a big fan of old houses, they are so much more intersting than the modern built ones. My son has just bought one that is almost 200 years old with all it's original features. It's lovely. Thanks again, my friend. Have a lovely day. Sandra xx
Comment from Michele Harber
Happy New Year to you too, and I'm happy I finally had the chance to read your first chapter. It didn't disappoint. You lay out your characters and scene well, and I like your use of detail, such as "The last few roses were still clinging bravely to the stems wrapped around the trellis on the front wall ..."
You did an excellent job of laying down mysterious "Easter eggs" (as they say in the movies), giving the reader hints of what's to come. I suspect this will be a very interesting and satisfying book when it's done.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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Happy New Year to you too, and I'm happy I finally had the chance to read your first chapter. It didn't disappoint. You lay out your characters and scene well, and I like your use of detail, such as "The last few roses were still clinging bravely to the stems wrapped around the trellis on the front wall ..."
You did an excellent job of laying down mysterious "Easter eggs" (as they say in the movies), giving the reader hints of what's to come. I suspect this will be a very interesting and satisfying book when it's done.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2022
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What a lovely review, Michele, thank you so very much. I'm so pleased you weren't disappointed. I hope you continue to enjoy my story. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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You?re very welcome, Sandra, and, considering how cold it is here in New York this morning, I?ll very gladly accept those warm hugs. 😀