Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "A Raging River of Consequence"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
10 total reviews
Comment from Alaskastory
"A Raging River of Consequence" is an exciting episode. I like your mention of Niagara Falls. Also great description of Chrissy's feelings.
suggestion: "He ran out of real estate..." might be more clear to say 'He drove away from real estate' (I thought him on foot as first)
suggestion: "As he tumbled from the car,.." since tumble is used with tour bus, might change to something like 'As he scrambled from' or 'scooted from'
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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"A Raging River of Consequence" is an exciting episode. I like your mention of Niagara Falls. Also great description of Chrissy's feelings.
suggestion: "He ran out of real estate..." might be more clear to say 'He drove away from real estate' (I thought him on foot as first)
suggestion: "As he tumbled from the car,.." since tumble is used with tour bus, might change to something like 'As he scrambled from' or 'scooted from'
Comment Written 22-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks! I will change it. Merry Christmas. I would love to visit Alaska one day. My oldest son did a few years ago.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
How did the guy know that, out of all the numbers in Chrissy's phone, that THAT one was the right one?
Other notes:
1.) Luke drove Niagara Falls Blvd where all the cheesy motels
--> spell it out
2.) He wasn't far enough into the underbelly of Buffalo where he needed (to be) to find his daughter.
3.) As he tumbled from the car, his heart rapt like a speedbag about to burst.
--> NOT 'rapt' - something else
4.) While Luke scanned the phone to locate the boyfriend(')s phone number,
5.) As the group tumbled off the bus, it was clear they were
--> Luke had also 'tumbled' from his car
6.) American side of the falls when horseshoe falls in Canada
--> should horseshoe falls be capped?
7.) It's time for you to make a good impression on the club(')s owner."
Nice job. Thanks!
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Stan,
How did the guy know that, out of all the numbers in Chrissy's phone, that THAT one was the right one?
Other notes:
1.) Luke drove Niagara Falls Blvd where all the cheesy motels
--> spell it out
2.) He wasn't far enough into the underbelly of Buffalo where he needed (to be) to find his daughter.
3.) As he tumbled from the car, his heart rapt like a speedbag about to burst.
--> NOT 'rapt' - something else
4.) While Luke scanned the phone to locate the boyfriend(')s phone number,
5.) As the group tumbled off the bus, it was clear they were
--> Luke had also 'tumbled' from his car
6.) American side of the falls when horseshoe falls in Canada
--> should horseshoe falls be capped?
7.) It's time for you to make a good impression on the club(')s owner."
Nice job. Thanks!
Comment Written 21-Dec-2021
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Stan.
This is a dark event in the story. Luke has to redouble his efforts to save Chrissy for the side of the world no one should see. If he cannot pull her back, her life is destined for years of sadness. Your handling of the conversation between Chrissy and Spike is very well written without using the sad vernacular that rules that world. Nicely done with descriptive language and dialogue.
Robert
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Hi Stan.
This is a dark event in the story. Luke has to redouble his efforts to save Chrissy for the side of the world no one should see. If he cannot pull her back, her life is destined for years of sadness. Your handling of the conversation between Chrissy and Spike is very well written without using the sad vernacular that rules that world. Nicely done with descriptive language and dialogue.
Robert
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks again, Robert. Merry Christmas!
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You're welcome, Stan. Merry Christmas to you.
Comment from royowen
Boy, do I ever relate to the father, I would move through hell and high water to rescue them, and I think you know that a decent, loving father would do the same, but I love the way you put a more believable reality to these things my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : on the club(')s owner.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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Boy, do I ever relate to the father, I would move through hell and high water to rescue them, and I think you know that a decent, loving father would do the same, but I love the way you put a more believable reality to these things my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : on the club(')s owner.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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Thanks Roy!
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Most welcome
Comment from BethShelby
At least, Chrissy doesn't seem to be enjoying this life stile. If she is covering bruises already, maybe having someone rescue her. She must not hate her mother if she wants to call and tell her she is okay. I wonder if her pimp will call Luke back. The story has a interesting plot
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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At least, Chrissy doesn't seem to be enjoying this life stile. If she is covering bruises already, maybe having someone rescue her. She must not hate her mother if she wants to call and tell her she is okay. I wonder if her pimp will call Luke back. The story has a interesting plot
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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Thanks, Beth. I appreciate and respect your thoughtful reviews. Blessings around the bend!
Comment from BethShelby
At least, Chrissy doesn't seem to be enjoying this life stile. If she is covering bruises already, maybe having someone rescue her. She must not hate her mother if she wants to call and tell her she is okay. I wonder if her pimp will call Luke back. The story has a interesting plot
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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At least, Chrissy doesn't seem to be enjoying this life stile. If she is covering bruises already, maybe having someone rescue her. She must not hate her mother if she wants to call and tell her she is okay. I wonder if her pimp will call Luke back. The story has a interesting plot
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks Beth.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
In an awkward, inconvenient state, Luke Cole a father who is on a Leave of Absence from his job as a police officer, his daughter Chrissy, now she named Crystal, father searches the underworld to find his daughter Chrissy, he drove to Cheesy motels near Niagara Falls, he needed to find his daughter; he scanned phone; he avoided Buffalo's side; well said, well done; keep writing. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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In an awkward, inconvenient state, Luke Cole a father who is on a Leave of Absence from his job as a police officer, his daughter Chrissy, now she named Crystal, father searches the underworld to find his daughter Chrissy, he drove to Cheesy motels near Niagara Falls, he needed to find his daughter; he scanned phone; he avoided Buffalo's side; well said, well done; keep writing. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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Thanks so much. Means much coming from someone of your writing caliber.
Comment from Ben Colder
Not far, in the town of Greenbriar, Arkansas, a city cop lost his daughter to an online succumb. He searched for years and never found her. My mind raced to those moments several years ago when reading this story. On this day, she is still missing. I have been to the Falls when my younger days are driving Greyhound. The Queens Highway is beautiful and easy to travel to.
Well done, Stan. May the King grant you success and a prosperous Christmas and New Year.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Not far, in the town of Greenbriar, Arkansas, a city cop lost his daughter to an online succumb. He searched for years and never found her. My mind raced to those moments several years ago when reading this story. On this day, she is still missing. I have been to the Falls when my younger days are driving Greyhound. The Queens Highway is beautiful and easy to travel to.
Well done, Stan. May the King grant you success and a prosperous Christmas and New Year.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks again, Ben. Merry Christmas!
Comment from lyenochka
Hooray that Luke got through! Sounds like he might be able to rescue Chrissy. I like how strong you made his reaction by puking. Seems like Chrissy is also in the same physical situation.
You used "tumble" twice to get out of vehicles and wondered maybe you could use a different one for how Luke exits and how the tourists exit.
Suggestions:
his heart rapt like a speedbag about to burst (rapped) I think "rapt" means more like "enrapt"/enthralled.
locate the boyfriends phone number (boyfriend's)
on the clubs owner." (club's)
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Hooray that Luke got through! Sounds like he might be able to rescue Chrissy. I like how strong you made his reaction by puking. Seems like Chrissy is also in the same physical situation.
You used "tumble" twice to get out of vehicles and wondered maybe you could use a different one for how Luke exits and how the tourists exit.
Suggestions:
his heart rapt like a speedbag about to burst (rapped) I think "rapt" means more like "enrapt"/enthralled.
locate the boyfriends phone number (boyfriend's)
on the clubs owner." (club's)
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks for all your solid words. Merry Christmas!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Gripping. Brilliant narration, brisk pace.
While Luke scanned the phone to locate the [boyfriends=>BOYFRIEND'S] phone number
Voicemail kicked in. "Hey [its=>IT'S] [spike=>Spike].
to make a good impression on the [clubs=>CLUB'S] owner."
"I got a client, a big named one who wants to see you. I've already sent him pics. He's our golden movie ticket."
"I got a client, a big named=>BIG-NAMED] one (better, use the idiomatic expression "a big name"
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Gripping. Brilliant narration, brisk pace.
While Luke scanned the phone to locate the [boyfriends=>BOYFRIEND'S] phone number
Voicemail kicked in. "Hey [its=>IT'S] [spike=>Spike].
to make a good impression on the [clubs=>CLUB'S] owner."
"I got a client, a big named one who wants to see you. I've already sent him pics. He's our golden movie ticket."
"I got a client, a big named=>BIG-NAMED] one (better, use the idiomatic expression "a big name"
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
