The Tor
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Swirling Emotions"Adventures around & upon a hill
11 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I'm a little unclear here. We're the boys who were those who went to war or were they in hiding? This is starting to get mysterious. I can't imagine what's going to happen next.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
  |
I'm a little unclear here. We're the boys who were those who went to war or were they in hiding? This is starting to get mysterious. I can't imagine what's going to happen next.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2022
-
Thank you yet again for your wonderful reviews. These were the boys who stayed in the cottages before going off to war & the little note by the artifacts said, most did not return. Their spirits may have returned, no sure, but they were clearly influencing the energy.
Comment from pgeyer
thanks for sharing. I just noticed that this is a chapter in your book. I need to start at the start, as I didn't quite follow the bottom part. chessmaster
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2021
|
thanks for sharing. I just noticed that this is a chapter in your book. I need to start at the start, as I didn't quite follow the bottom part. chessmaster
Comment Written 25-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your involved review. If you read from the beginning you don't need to do reviews. Just enjoy. It is intended to be cloaked in mystery, so enjoy.
Comment from lancellot
Well done. This is a very informative chapter. While speaking to each other in explanation. The readers were also getting things explained to them on the sly.
notes:
Shutting the door, she turned toward an inquisitive me. "Well? What was that about?"
-Who is speaking here?
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2021
|
Well done. This is a very informative chapter. While speaking to each other in explanation. The readers were also getting things explained to them on the sly.
notes:
Shutting the door, she turned toward an inquisitive me. "Well? What was that about?"
-Who is speaking here?
Comment Written 25-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for for your involved review. I'm inquisitive, so I'm asking a question. It was Cordelia who was returning from a mysterious meeting.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an interesting part of the story. I don't know if I missed a part or what, but I don't quite know what is going on at the beginning and I'm not sure how they can go to a labyrinth when they don't know if it exists. What is the name of the part before this one? Have a blessed holiday season.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
|
This is an interesting part of the story. I don't know if I missed a part or what, but I don't quite know what is going on at the beginning and I'm not sure how they can go to a labyrinth when they don't know if it exists. What is the name of the part before this one? Have a blessed holiday season.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your involved review. You've read and reviewed all of the preceding chapters. The answers to these questions will be revealed eventually. As I included in the author's notes: "The ambiguities you may experience are intentional."
Comment from lyenochka
I curious now why that chicken tasted different and how did it taste different. Was it another fowl - like a duck? I'm sure the mystery will be made known as our two heroines uncover the mysteries of the past.
Suggestions:
loved ones, who parents, siblings, (whose)
and now know, also during WWI." ("know" needs a subject)
I've got to get over [to] the meeting
tenuousness of [the] labyrinth walk
an if it even still or ever existed. (and if)
She said (She said, "As) somehow this sentence got broken with the "As much further down)
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
|
I curious now why that chicken tasted different and how did it taste different. Was it another fowl - like a duck? I'm sure the mystery will be made known as our two heroines uncover the mysteries of the past.
Suggestions:
loved ones, who parents, siblings, (whose)
and now know, also during WWI." ("know" needs a subject)
I've got to get over [to] the meeting
tenuousness of [the] labyrinth walk
an if it even still or ever existed. (and if)
She said (She said, "As) somehow this sentence got broken with the "As much further down)
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your loyal review. I have attended to your observations. I'm glad you are enjoying the story.
Comment from aryr
This was indeed an amazing continuation chapter, Liz. I found it interesting that Madeline and Cordelia had so many ways of finding out things. They simply mentioned the name of Bob and it opened a great many doors. Very well done and greatly enjoyed.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
|
This was indeed an amazing continuation chapter, Liz. I found it interesting that Madeline and Cordelia had so many ways of finding out things. They simply mentioned the name of Bob and it opened a great many doors. Very well done and greatly enjoyed.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your loyal review. I'm glad you are enjoying the story.
-
You are most welcome Liz, I am on pins and needles here. lol.
-
***lol***
-
Ahaaa, made you smile. Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, Season Greetings!
Comment from Frank Malley
I think your sentences could be significantly shortened with no loss to the necessary content and a great acceleration of encounter with the story line, a feature which is critical to maintaining reader interest. You extend sentences with subordinate clauses and appositives that could be replaced by more efficient and, I would argue, more comprehensible information. In addition, despite the fact that our teachers stress the use of complete sentences, variety and efficiency can be obtained by occasionally disobeying the complete sentence rule. For example:
You: I might have had chicken this, and she might have had chicken that.
Me: Chicken this for me, chicken that for her.
People like to justify their writing as "my style." This is true, but it doesn't ensure that it's an attractive style.
Or:
You:When Cordelia returned, there was a choice of which to discuss, our weekend itinerary or to hear what exciting plans her group of harpists had orchestrated.
Me: When Cordelia returned, we had to choose between discussing our weekend itinerary or hearing about her harpists' exciting plans.
In dialogue, some characters are longer-winded than others. So their remarks need to be longer. But in narrative, it pays to cut to the chase and move the story forward. We live in an age of that celebrates and promotes instant gratification; this has unfortunate aspects, but anyone selling anything has to know their audience. Although he was an unquestionably great writer, Henry James, one master of long sentences, only sells to college lit programs nowadays. All the best, happy holidays.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
 |
I think your sentences could be significantly shortened with no loss to the necessary content and a great acceleration of encounter with the story line, a feature which is critical to maintaining reader interest. You extend sentences with subordinate clauses and appositives that could be replaced by more efficient and, I would argue, more comprehensible information. In addition, despite the fact that our teachers stress the use of complete sentences, variety and efficiency can be obtained by occasionally disobeying the complete sentence rule. For example:
You: I might have had chicken this, and she might have had chicken that.
Me: Chicken this for me, chicken that for her.
People like to justify their writing as "my style." This is true, but it doesn't ensure that it's an attractive style.
Or:
You:When Cordelia returned, there was a choice of which to discuss, our weekend itinerary or to hear what exciting plans her group of harpists had orchestrated.
Me: When Cordelia returned, we had to choose between discussing our weekend itinerary or hearing about her harpists' exciting plans.
In dialogue, some characters are longer-winded than others. So their remarks need to be longer. But in narrative, it pays to cut to the chase and move the story forward. We live in an age of that celebrates and promotes instant gratification; this has unfortunate aspects, but anyone selling anything has to know their audience. Although he was an unquestionably great writer, Henry James, one master of long sentences, only sells to college lit programs nowadays. All the best, happy holidays.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your review. I love doing what you suggest about breaking sentence rules. I've have been corrected on this sight. As far as run on sentences, if people on here saw the first few of sentences from Cannery Row, they accuse Steinbeck of terrible run ons. If you want a treat, it's in pdf for on line.
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another interesting chapter, Liz, with a bit more history about the cabins and the boys who stayed there years ago. It will be fun to learn about the labyrinth too. Well done.
There are a few typos: "They are pieces of reminders of loved ones, who(whose) parents, siblings,..)
"Bob was held close to someone's heart in times of war, WWII and now (we) know, also during WWI."
"you and the other guests will be observing the part(,) I told you about earlier." - the comma isn't needed here.
"Oh, look at the time. I've got to get over (to) the meeting..."
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
|
This is another interesting chapter, Liz, with a bit more history about the cabins and the boys who stayed there years ago. It will be fun to learn about the labyrinth too. Well done.
There are a few typos: "They are pieces of reminders of loved ones, who(whose) parents, siblings,..)
"Bob was held close to someone's heart in times of war, WWII and now (we) know, also during WWI."
"you and the other guests will be observing the part(,) I told you about earlier." - the comma isn't needed here.
"Oh, look at the time. I've got to get over (to) the meeting..."
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your supportive, interested review. I have attended to your observations, thank you
-
You're welcome, Liz.
-
***smile***
Comment from Mabaker12
This has a good ring to an interesting story,Liz. I realise this will be a tad darker than the previous books. It also has all the trimmings of a great mystery story. Also, I'll have to make time and keep up, Thank you sweet-one for being such a kind friend. Love you so much... Anne.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
 |
This has a good ring to an interesting story,Liz. I realise this will be a tad darker than the previous books. It also has all the trimmings of a great mystery story. Also, I'll have to make time and keep up, Thank you sweet-one for being such a kind friend. Love you so much... Anne.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your loyal supportive review. It is going to be quite different than any others
-
welcome
Comment from BLACKTITANIUM86
Although I like your style of writing, I think you need to add more excitement. For, history teaches us, that the only way to keep your audiences attention for a great amount of time, is to be exciting & creative. And even though you are a good writer, you were not creative enough to make the reader want to get to the next page, before it's time. Keep Writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
|
Although I like your style of writing, I think you need to add more excitement. For, history teaches us, that the only way to keep your audiences attention for a great amount of time, is to be exciting & creative. And even though you are a good writer, you were not creative enough to make the reader want to get to the next page, before it's time. Keep Writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2021
-
Thank you for your review. I'm glad you like my style. Keep reading