Concertina
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Stones, Rocks and Boulders."Vietnam veteran comes to the end of his denial.
6 total reviews
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another powerful chapter in this story. I'm sorry I'm late reviewing it. It held me captive to the point I think I was holding my breath. You've painted the emotions, the fear, the denial extremely well. You've also given a hint of hope. Well done.
The only thing that distracted me a bit was some of the words in The Lord's Prayer. I think it's Our father WHO art in heaven, and As it is ON earth. :)
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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This is another powerful chapter in this story. I'm sorry I'm late reviewing it. It held me captive to the point I think I was holding my breath. You've painted the emotions, the fear, the denial extremely well. You've also given a hint of hope. Well done.
The only thing that distracted me a bit was some of the words in The Lord's Prayer. I think it's Our father WHO art in heaven, and As it is ON earth. :)
Comment Written 01-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Judy. I appreciate it very much. As for the Lord's prayer, Brother Archer is a Free Will Methodist quoting the the King James translation. Matthew 6:9-13
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
I know later versions translate much of the KJV for easy reading however, many Bible believers use the KJV.
Thanks again. Another Chapter is right around the corner!
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You're welcome. Thanks for the explanation.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
As I clicked on your post, I said, 'This is going to be a good write.' I went and made myself a cup of tea so I could totally enjoy it. I was so correct. This is some great writing. You perfectly captured the emotion.
I've noticed this a few times, this is just an example: "Lee tried to pull his hands back, " The adverb needs to be as close as possible to the verb it's describing. Here would be 'pull back his hands' I know in dialogue we don't do it as often as we should but writing narrative it should be correct.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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As I clicked on your post, I said, 'This is going to be a good write.' I went and made myself a cup of tea so I could totally enjoy it. I was so correct. This is some great writing. You perfectly captured the emotion.
I've noticed this a few times, this is just an example: "Lee tried to pull his hands back, " The adverb needs to be as close as possible to the verb it's describing. Here would be 'pull back his hands' I know in dialogue we don't do it as often as we should but writing narrative it should be correct.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Barbara. I am pleased you added tea to the reading. It means to me you wanted to be relaxed and receptive and ready for the deep dive. You may need more tea as the story develops it is going to get darker before it gets lighter. Proofing suggestions noted.
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You are correct about the tea. I have plenty.
Comment from Susan Newell
Yard,
I'm sure glad I had a six left for this. You have entered into very heavy territory and I am anxious to see where you take it. The storytelling is superbly done. Spiritual warfare is real, and can be treacherous. I hope I will not regret liking Brother Archer. To me, the oil fields are relevant, because when I see evil, it is an amorphous, oily black energy. I can't wait for the next chapter. Proofing notes follow.
Sue
"Of course, I remembered your truck then your name." -- suggest a comma after truck.
"No thanks... blacks fine," ==> black's
"...Thy will be done in earth." -- I learned it as "on earth."
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Yard,
I'm sure glad I had a six left for this. You have entered into very heavy territory and I am anxious to see where you take it. The storytelling is superbly done. Spiritual warfare is real, and can be treacherous. I hope I will not regret liking Brother Archer. To me, the oil fields are relevant, because when I see evil, it is an amorphous, oily black energy. I can't wait for the next chapter. Proofing notes follow.
Sue
"Of course, I remembered your truck then your name." -- suggest a comma after truck.
"No thanks... blacks fine," ==> black's
"...Thy will be done in earth." -- I learned it as "on earth."
Comment Written 30-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Susan. You will not be disappointed with Brother Archer.
Yes, there are many versions of the Lord's prayer. Brother Archer is a Free Will Methodist and is quoting the King James Version. Matthew 6:9-13
King James Version
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
I'm looking forward to your review of Chapter 5: The Word Not Heeded.
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You are welcome. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Evil is all around us in many forms, not always hidden, but standing right beside us. But the most dangerous evils of all are trapped within us, impossible to combat and control without a change of heart. My ex-wife sent a message wishing me well when she found out I was having heart surgery. In it she said, "I didn't know you had a heart, I thought your body ran on hormones and adrenaline. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Evil is all around us in many forms, not always hidden, but standing right beside us. But the most dangerous evils of all are trapped within us, impossible to combat and control without a change of heart. My ex-wife sent a message wishing me well when she found out I was having heart surgery. In it she said, "I didn't know you had a heart, I thought your body ran on hormones and adrenaline. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Lovely ex-wife. =(:-o)
I appreciate your input and look forward to more. I think as the story delves deeper into darkness but still provides a solution, I may lose some readers. I hope you hang in there to the end.
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I can assure you, I'll be there for the duration. If I'm breathing. LOL. Looking forward to reading more.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
There is so much depth to this chapter, this meeting between two very different men with a common past. Your writing is better than that I've read in some books recently. I hope you are considering getting this published by a paying market.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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There is so much depth to this chapter, this meeting between two very different men with a common past. Your writing is better than that I've read in some books recently. I hope you are considering getting this published by a paying market.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Very high accolades, indeed. Thank you so much Carol. Yes, it is my desire to write at a level that is excepted by readers. One of these days I'll find an agent or publisher who comes to the same conclusion as you have. Thank you for making my day.
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Better start looking for an agent sooner than later. Everything moves like tar in the publishing industry. Look up literary agents in Writers Market or online, read what they want, and send them a letter with an online chapter if they accept such. Biggest problem is know how long the book may be. Short stories you sell yourself directly to magazines or online sites. Good Luck. You might also subscribe to Funds for writers, which has to online subscriptions. I do free on but other one has more help.
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Good advice. I found a small literary agency https://www.watsonlittle.com/ that will be my first query. I will keep you informed as I go.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Gripping. Compelling. I'm not sure what to make of the startling experience and its implications. Stunning narration, rich in imagery; the interaction is vividly rendered.
Panicked, he turned away to block the terror [to find=>sugg: AND FOUND] himself standing in total darkness.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Gripping. Compelling. I'm not sure what to make of the startling experience and its implications. Stunning narration, rich in imagery; the interaction is vividly rendered.
Panicked, he turned away to block the terror [to find=>sugg: AND FOUND] himself standing in total darkness.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Liz. Proofing noted.
Your question regarding implications will be addressed in the epilogue. I admit, this story is challenging to read but sticking to the end should clear things up.
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I'll be there!
