Black Widow
Chapter 1: Thelma May Danville Testifies19 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Great, the page refreshed and I lost all my comments. Let's see if I can remember what I wrote.
Think of this is the first 10 minutes of a film. You want to set up suspense/intrigue but not give away too much of what's going to happen. I think you are in danger of repeating yourself after the way the introduction is structured. There isn't quite enough forward momentum coming off the wave. But you've got lots of good material, a good storyline, flawless editing.
To keep this a little bit more engaging, here are a couple ideas:
Introduce flashbacks. You can use italic text for this. She tells the court so much, but there is more to the story.
Start with just a little fictional account about a black widow, and something it does, instead of talking about the woman. This sets up foreshadowing.
I hope this is helpful. Sorry for not giving it a five! But let me know if you edit it : )
Best, H
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2021
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Great, the page refreshed and I lost all my comments. Let's see if I can remember what I wrote.
Think of this is the first 10 minutes of a film. You want to set up suspense/intrigue but not give away too much of what's going to happen. I think you are in danger of repeating yourself after the way the introduction is structured. There isn't quite enough forward momentum coming off the wave. But you've got lots of good material, a good storyline, flawless editing.
To keep this a little bit more engaging, here are a couple ideas:
Introduce flashbacks. You can use italic text for this. She tells the court so much, but there is more to the story.
Start with just a little fictional account about a black widow, and something it does, instead of talking about the woman. This sets up foreshadowing.
I hope this is helpful. Sorry for not giving it a five! But let me know if you edit it : )
Best, H
Comment Written 07-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2021
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While appreciate your recommendations, doubt if I will edit. Suppose stuck with four stars. Oh well. Not really a collector of them. An initial offering, not a changed one, tends to tell more of the story.
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I have been an avid collector of 2s and 3s lately, from all the people who are offended by my work, yet offer me no constructive feedback. At this rate I will soon have the lowest author rating on the site. I doubt a 4 or two will kill you ; )
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
Oh, yes. Another story beginning - I know this is entered in the contest, but I have to wonder if you plan to continue it. This lady sounds like a black widow, indeed!
A couple of notes:
1.) A wry smile crossed his face as he studied the benevolent defend(a)nt.
--> benevolent = well meaning and kindly.
2.) "Because of the atrociousness of these assaults, my mother found herself institutionalized after she suffered a psychotic breakdown,"
--> consider answering 'yes' directly. The way you have it now, she is focusing on how those events traumatized her MOTHER instead of herself.
3.) Marshall politely said, then asked his next question,
--> not really giving her time to compose herself if he goes directly into another question
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Brett,
Oh, yes. Another story beginning - I know this is entered in the contest, but I have to wonder if you plan to continue it. This lady sounds like a black widow, indeed!
A couple of notes:
1.) A wry smile crossed his face as he studied the benevolent defend(a)nt.
--> benevolent = well meaning and kindly.
2.) "Because of the atrociousness of these assaults, my mother found herself institutionalized after she suffered a psychotic breakdown,"
--> consider answering 'yes' directly. The way you have it now, she is focusing on how those events traumatized her MOTHER instead of herself.
3.) Marshall politely said, then asked his next question,
--> not really giving her time to compose herself if he goes directly into another question
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 07-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2021
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Appreciate the suggestions and the review.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Gripping--chilling backstory rendered in matter-of-fact testomony of this merciless killer. The transcript rings true, as does her show of pathetic pathos intended to sway the jury. Off to a great start.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2021
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Gripping--chilling backstory rendered in matter-of-fact testomony of this merciless killer. The transcript rings true, as does her show of pathetic pathos intended to sway the jury. Off to a great start.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2021
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Appreciate your insightful review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm fifty reviews behind after my three-day stint in the hospital, but I'm doing my best to catch up. I apologize for the quickie cookie-cutter review and hopefully things will we be back to normal soon. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2021
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I'm fifty reviews behind after my three-day stint in the hospital, but I'm doing my best to catch up. I apologize for the quickie cookie-cutter review and hopefully things will we be back to normal soon. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2021
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All that matters is you are at least doing better. Okay would be even more ideal. Having cancer surgury on Saturday morning. Get this tumor out of my head. My good man, some things are much more important than reviews, not that I do not appreciate everyone of them I can get. Sometimes, for whatever reason, they can be hard to come by for me.
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Best of luck with your surgery on Saturday morning. I'll be right here praying and anxiously waiting for you to get this behind you. You are not only one of my favorite writers, but a fine human being that I always enjoy reading and communicating with. God Bless, my friend!
Comment from Ulla
Deare me, it sounds that she is guilty as charged. It's quite a character you have painted here. It's also a great entry for the contest. The only objection, I have, is that the lawyer's questions are quite leading. Wouldn't be a allowed in a real courtroom. Good luck. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Deare me, it sounds that she is guilty as charged. It's quite a character you have painted here. It's also a great entry for the contest. The only objection, I have, is that the lawyer's questions are quite leading. Wouldn't be a allowed in a real courtroom. Good luck. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 17-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Appreciate your insightful review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I love this story line and you might consider carrying it forward. You did a great job and if I had a six it would be yours. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon/evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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I love this story line and you might consider carrying it forward. You did a great job and if I had a six it would be yours. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon/evening. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Appreciate your insightful review.
Comment from country ranch writer
Don't look like she will be talking her way out of this anytime soon.She knows she is guilty but blames it on everybody else excepteen horn reporter us out to make a bane for himself even if he has to twist the truth. her self.the gr
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Don't look like she will be talking her way out of this anytime soon.She knows she is guilty but blames it on everybody else excepteen horn reporter us out to make a bane for himself even if he has to twist the truth. her self.the gr
Comment Written 17-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Appreciate your insightful review.
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Sorry about the messup
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✍️✍️✍️
Comment from BethShelby
If you youthful greenhorn is going to win this case he needs a miricle. I'm pretty sure a jury would be ready to convict her at this point as quilty without a reasonable doubt. This should be interesting.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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If you youthful greenhorn is going to win this case he needs a miricle. I'm pretty sure a jury would be ready to convict her at this point as quilty without a reasonable doubt. This should be interesting.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
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Appreciate your insightful review.
Comment from damommy
This is a very good first chapter. The characters seem to be extreme, though. I thought it was a bit long, but it kept my interest. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2021
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This is a very good first chapter. The characters seem to be extreme, though. I thought it was a bit long, but it kept my interest. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2021
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Length due to contest requirement. Glad you enjoyed the chapter. Appreciate the review.
Comment from royowen
A good start to this book Brett, Thelma May has been accused of murdering her two husbands, but the defence intend to prove her innocence, so this case has the onus of proving either her guilt or innocence, although it sounds a trifle circumstantial to me. Beautifully written Brett, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
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A good start to this book Brett, Thelma May has been accused of murdering her two husbands, but the defence intend to prove her innocence, so this case has the onus of proving either her guilt or innocence, although it sounds a trifle circumstantial to me. Beautifully written Brett, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.
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Most welcome
