Their First Kiss
It was by candlelight.3 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
It is very hard to relay a coherent theme with such few words. The message of your story was clearly understood and easy to read. I only wish a bit more show not tell were incorporated. A dash of word paint would make this a sixer. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2021
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It is very hard to relay a coherent theme with such few words. The message of your story was clearly understood and easy to read. I only wish a bit more show not tell were incorporated. A dash of word paint would make this a sixer. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2021
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Thanks.
Comment from oliver818
This is a nice poem, it's great when people can find love again. I like the fact that they don't get stuck up on details but move in for the romantic kiss. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2021
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This is a nice poem, it's great when people can find love again. I like the fact that they don't get stuck up on details but move in for the romantic kiss. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
Comment Written 08-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2021
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Welcome.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon,
I am sure you have counter and recounted, but if it helps, I also make this exactly 100 words. You have written to the brief and constructed a direct story of two people meeting and kissing for the first time.
I would like to make one or two suggestions for you to consider - I mean no disrespect to your work as it stands, and these are only my opinions, with no weight.
As written "...John and Sally had recently broken up with someone they had dated..." this implies that John and Sally were both dating the same person which (these days) is quite possible (if not common) but I doubt if it was your intention. Adding the word "...both..." corrects this misconception "...John and Sally had both recently broken up with someone they had dated...." I am uncertain if you need to add "they had dated" as "broken up" addresses this already. But even then "...they were dating..." might help you avoid the duplication of "...had...")
In the sentence "...When they met at a park, John noticed that Sally had blotches on her face from a sin disorder..." I think, firstly, that you might mean a skin disorder - although technically you might be correct saying "...sin...", it depends on your intended meaning.
Given the restriction on word count, nothing is added to the story by referencing the skin disorder unless you are making reference to the fact that Sally may have been crying, and hard enough that the effect was marked and severe. Perhaps then "...When they met at (the) park, John noticed that Sally's tearful face was blotched, as though from a skin disorder..."
You perhaps might look at your word choices too - working with only 100 words you have "...nice..." twice and the words "...had..." and "...they..." five times each. Try to be more versatile, compact. If it was a 'spring day', need you reference the sun shining brightly? Could that not be assumed, giving you extra words to work with, creating more 'story' for your reader? Just a thought.
We do not know, for example, that they met by accident or by intention - you say only that they 'met' which might lead the reader to think they knew each other, that their meeting was planned.
"...It was a perfect day. John asked Sally to join him on a picnic..."
I stress that I mean you no disrespect, but I do think this piece could benefit by a strong, tighter rewriting, which I am sure you are capable of, if you see any merit in the points above.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2021
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Hello Anon,
I am sure you have counter and recounted, but if it helps, I also make this exactly 100 words. You have written to the brief and constructed a direct story of two people meeting and kissing for the first time.
I would like to make one or two suggestions for you to consider - I mean no disrespect to your work as it stands, and these are only my opinions, with no weight.
As written "...John and Sally had recently broken up with someone they had dated..." this implies that John and Sally were both dating the same person which (these days) is quite possible (if not common) but I doubt if it was your intention. Adding the word "...both..." corrects this misconception "...John and Sally had both recently broken up with someone they had dated...." I am uncertain if you need to add "they had dated" as "broken up" addresses this already. But even then "...they were dating..." might help you avoid the duplication of "...had...")
In the sentence "...When they met at a park, John noticed that Sally had blotches on her face from a sin disorder..." I think, firstly, that you might mean a skin disorder - although technically you might be correct saying "...sin...", it depends on your intended meaning.
Given the restriction on word count, nothing is added to the story by referencing the skin disorder unless you are making reference to the fact that Sally may have been crying, and hard enough that the effect was marked and severe. Perhaps then "...When they met at (the) park, John noticed that Sally's tearful face was blotched, as though from a skin disorder..."
You perhaps might look at your word choices too - working with only 100 words you have "...nice..." twice and the words "...had..." and "...they..." five times each. Try to be more versatile, compact. If it was a 'spring day', need you reference the sun shining brightly? Could that not be assumed, giving you extra words to work with, creating more 'story' for your reader? Just a thought.
We do not know, for example, that they met by accident or by intention - you say only that they 'met' which might lead the reader to think they knew each other, that their meeting was planned.
"...It was a perfect day. John asked Sally to join him on a picnic..."
I stress that I mean you no disrespect, but I do think this piece could benefit by a strong, tighter rewriting, which I am sure you are capable of, if you see any merit in the points above.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 08-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2021
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Thanks
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I will fix it.
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Hi Anon
That is a really good improvement, don't you think? Well done.
cheers
phill
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Yes. Will you review my non acrostic poem and give it a lift in the contest?
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Ah,
I can't do that - firstly, I do not know who you are (we are exchanging messages but you are in a 'blind' contest and I cannot see your name). Secondly, it isn't allowed for us to solicit another person's review - I am sure you are new to the site, and no harm done, but it is a strict rule.
cheers
phill
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I am not new. I thought you would help me anyway.
