DARK NIGHT AND DARK DAY
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Dark Night & Day, Chapter 2"Romance of a new Alaskan
11 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Definitely a future boyfriend. Lol I think Roger sounds really nice. He's already helped Marjorie to settle in by introducing her to his friends, who also sound nice. Well done!! I'm enjoying this. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2023
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Definitely a future boyfriend. Lol I think Roger sounds really nice. He's already helped Marjorie to settle in by introducing her to his friends, who also sound nice. Well done!! I'm enjoying this. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 01-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2023
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Another "well done" from you on this chapter is again encouraging. Many thanks.
Comment from MissMerri
Well, once again, I get so enraptured by your story and your amazing ability to create characters and make them come alive in my mind, I feel this deserves six stars. I see a few places you could do a little editing and make it appear more professionally prepared, but you are, actually, a professional, so I feel a little silly offering advice. I guess we'll just chalk it up to being an English teacher, used to marking papers. Here goes:
***and thought it (delete this 'it') perhaps it was a restaurant.
***a nearby building read, "-22 degrees" (it is too hard to see the minus sign. Perhaps write out "minus twenty-two degrees.")
***Getting across the highway, she noticed a fully filled parking lot before a sign saying, "Geraldo's." (she noticed the parking lot in front of Geraldo's was full... a good sign.)
***Just in the front door, sounds of Frank Sinatra came from walls spiritly decorated it as Italy. (did you mean "spiritedly decorated as Italy?" Not sure what you wanted here, but not this. ;p
*** edit your author notes. (There are too many "AA???A???" things going on. You have to correct Evil Eddie's tricks after you paste from apple products.)
This is such a fun and suspenseful story. I can't wait to read more. You are one of my favorite storytellers. MM
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2021
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Well, once again, I get so enraptured by your story and your amazing ability to create characters and make them come alive in my mind, I feel this deserves six stars. I see a few places you could do a little editing and make it appear more professionally prepared, but you are, actually, a professional, so I feel a little silly offering advice. I guess we'll just chalk it up to being an English teacher, used to marking papers. Here goes:
***and thought it (delete this 'it') perhaps it was a restaurant.
***a nearby building read, "-22 degrees" (it is too hard to see the minus sign. Perhaps write out "minus twenty-two degrees.")
***Getting across the highway, she noticed a fully filled parking lot before a sign saying, "Geraldo's." (she noticed the parking lot in front of Geraldo's was full... a good sign.)
***Just in the front door, sounds of Frank Sinatra came from walls spiritly decorated it as Italy. (did you mean "spiritedly decorated as Italy?" Not sure what you wanted here, but not this. ;p
*** edit your author notes. (There are too many "AA???A???" things going on. You have to correct Evil Eddie's tricks after you paste from apple products.)
This is such a fun and suspenseful story. I can't wait to read more. You are one of my favorite storytellers. MM
Comment Written 13-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2021
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I'm sure this chapter is far from 6 stars but I'm flattered!! Your suggestions are 100% appreciated. I'll get rid of those "its" and more. Thanks a million! Hugs.
Comment from irishauthorme
Your story reads well, is fast-paced, and you created good tension with Marjorie's situation; her remorse over her ex, the anticipation of a new environment, and the excitement of meeting an attractive man. Also, you left us at a cliff edge, we have to find out what happens next!
You are getting better at one of the prime rules for writing fiction, and one of the most difficult to master: "Show, don't tell."
I am still working on that one and I get a lot of recommendations when I post.
I see some good use; 'Marjorie leaned away as she cleared her voice.'
This shows her feelings, rather than telling.
'His raised brow seemed more covered with amusement than disappointment.' Tells, when something like "He smiled and shook his head as his brow raised. "No dates for a year?" And there are many other ways to show.
Cheers,
irish
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Your story reads well, is fast-paced, and you created good tension with Marjorie's situation; her remorse over her ex, the anticipation of a new environment, and the excitement of meeting an attractive man. Also, you left us at a cliff edge, we have to find out what happens next!
You are getting better at one of the prime rules for writing fiction, and one of the most difficult to master: "Show, don't tell."
I am still working on that one and I get a lot of recommendations when I post.
I see some good use; 'Marjorie leaned away as she cleared her voice.'
This shows her feelings, rather than telling.
'His raised brow seemed more covered with amusement than disappointment.' Tells, when something like "He smiled and shook his head as his brow raised. "No dates for a year?" And there are many other ways to show.
Cheers,
irish
Comment Written 08-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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You are so encouraging. I very much appreciate your notation of a few phrases that seem to meet my purpose. Thanks so much.
Comment from royowen
What an interesting solution that she won't date for a year, (it would be interesting to see if she could maintain that objective.) a sweetly written episode. Going for a walk in -32deg. Doesn't sound like fun. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : Made her mind wander(ed)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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What an interesting solution that she won't date for a year, (it would be interesting to see if she could maintain that objective.) a sweetly written episode. Going for a walk in -32deg. Doesn't sound like fun. Beautifully written, blessings Roy
Typo : Made her mind wander(ed)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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So glad you caught that typo. Many seem to happen and it's work to get them all corrected. Thanks for reading this, Roy.
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Most welcome
Comment from Annmuma
I sense things are heating up here - even in the minus 30 degrees! lol. Good chapter and nice 'upper' to lead into the next one. I'm looking forward to it. Good job! ann
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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I sense things are heating up here - even in the minus 30 degrees! lol. Good chapter and nice 'upper' to lead into the next one. I'm looking forward to it. Good job! ann
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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Wonderful that you found time to read this chapter. Thanks so much for your comments.
Comment from Mary Shifman
It seem that this is moving fast. I bet she doesn't keep to the "no dating for an entire year," rule. I personally think walking a couple blocks in -22 degrees weather is too cold! This is interesting and I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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It seem that this is moving fast. I bet she doesn't keep to the "no dating for an entire year," rule. I personally think walking a couple blocks in -22 degrees weather is too cold! This is interesting and I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2021
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So glad you read this. Thanks for your comments and encouragement.
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You are welcome.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Marjorie can want to not date for a year, but she's going to end up with Roger. LOL Love the story.
Feeling stunned, she managed to return a smile and drape her coat over the chair before sitting down. (You can omit 'down'. It's not needed.)
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Marjorie can want to not date for a year, but she's going to end up with Roger. LOL Love the story.
Feeling stunned, she managed to return a smile and drape her coat over the chair before sitting down. (You can omit 'down'. It's not needed.)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Thanks for taking time to read this chapter and for your suggestion. I always feel revisions are due.
Comment from Hitcher
A very easy to read chapter that held my attention with relative ease. Your characters personalities and friendships were easily picked up and their meeting with Marjorie was pleasant... Nice!
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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A very easy to read chapter that held my attention with relative ease. Your characters personalities and friendships were easily picked up and their meeting with Marjorie was pleasant... Nice!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Thanks for your encouragement and for taking time to read this chapter.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh that Roger - he sure shows up at all the right places and right times! I hope that she gave him her number but maybe Roger will get it from Julie. I'm still curious if Marjorie had more than wine. Did the ravioli taste good?
Suggestions:
She knew her parents expected she would choose her a much larger (perhaps the second "her" isn't needed? Or at the end of the sentence it could be "for herself"? There were a lot of "her" in the first paragraph)
"You are a sculpture, too?" (sculptor)
Real sculpturers fly here (sculptors)
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Oh that Roger - he sure shows up at all the right places and right times! I hope that she gave him her number but maybe Roger will get it from Julie. I'm still curious if Marjorie had more than wine. Did the ravioli taste good?
Suggestions:
She knew her parents expected she would choose her a much larger (perhaps the second "her" isn't needed? Or at the end of the sentence it could be "for herself"? There were a lot of "her" in the first paragraph)
"You are a sculpture, too?" (sculptor)
Real sculpturers fly here (sculptors)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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So glad you spotted sculptor. I keep shocking myself with such. And thanks for other suggestions. You manage to open my eyes. Appreciate your comments so much.
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We all make these kinds of errors. When we're writing, we are focused on getting the message out and don't notice the details. 💖
Comment from forestport12
Like that list of characters and how it fits with the location. You use your AK knowledge and background well here. I like how you give a nice balanced touch or blend of scenery and then let the character with dialogue move and grow the plot here. Nice.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Like that list of characters and how it fits with the location. You use your AK knowledge and background well here. I like how you give a nice balanced touch or blend of scenery and then let the character with dialogue move and grow the plot here. Nice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Thanks again for your encouragement. I appreciate your comments to much.
