The Baker Family
A tornado is is coming.3 total reviews
Comment from Eunice Amero
Very good story. But I've never been in a tornado before and it must be scary but when a dog starts to laugh that would almost scare me more. I likeed your story. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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Very good story. But I've never been in a tornado before and it must be scary but when a dog starts to laugh that would almost scare me more. I likeed your story. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2021
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A cat started to laugh.
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Good work but I thoutght it was suppose to be a dog. But you did a good job.
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The announcement said your pet starts to laugh.
Comment from royowen
Because we don't have the occasion of tornadoes we haven't provided in those particular ways, but we do have bushfire danger, at least not far from where we live. But it does sound pretty scary, we don't actually have basements in our houses either, well done dear friend. Good luck, blessings Roy.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Because we don't have the occasion of tornadoes we haven't provided in those particular ways, but we do have bushfire danger, at least not far from where we live. But it does sound pretty scary, we don't actually have basements in our houses either, well done dear friend. Good luck, blessings Roy.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Thanks. Please review my Fortunately entry.
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If it didn?t turn up on my page I don?t know where it is,
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Eighth on my profile
Comment from SimianSavant
The Baker family lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma where there were a lot of tornados. ** "were" is a rather passive starting verb!! We already know there is a tornado coming from the pic and the subtitle. Create some intrigue by delaying any mention of tornados for as long as possible. Just start with, they lived in a farmhouse in Tulsa CO, and leave it at that : )
Splice second sentence w first as shown above
Unless you want to be PC, telling the number of boys and girls is redundant. Avoid the double colon of "two boys: Rose:" to not confuse the reader. They had four children: Rose (14), Rebecca (10), etc
The family hadn't lived in Tulsa very long, only for six months. **redundant. They "had only lived in Tulsa for six months".
The weatherman predicted ** how did they find out? On TV?
a living room, **A** dining room
They learned **how?** that their safest room during a tornado would be in the basement.
Jasmine seemed to **how?** laugh at them.
supplies:
For protection and shelter: **avoid double colon
(4) N-95 respirators (face masks) **everyone knows that N-95s are face masks; try not to over-explain things to the reader!
This is an enormous grocery list that looks like it was copied and pasted. No one is going to read through it.
"necessary supplies" is mentioned twice
The children were glad ** show don't tell. How did they express being glad? Avoid boring verbs like were, had put.
A dark greenish sky. ** cool detail!**
Then black storm clouds gathered **don't forget a period**
It is a good thing they had locked their door. **I can't tell if that part is a joke or not
Well done for leaving some suspense at the end.
I recommend you think hard about keeping the action moving. You have a lot of short sentences. Some can be connected up. Leave out superfluous details. The names of the kids, rooms, supplies all seem to be irrelevant unless you plan on using them. They are not setting the scene for where they end up in the basement. You can focus on the five human senses, the noises, the humidity, the terrifying calm, the changing shapes of cloud formations, and perhaps specifically what it is like to be in the basement during a tornado. Tell more about how they hear about the tornado and what its approach is like. If the cat is an important detail, maybe you want to tell this story from the cat's perspective? IDK. But focus on relevant details and pacing! Thanks for the read, and good luck!
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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The Baker family lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma where there were a lot of tornados. ** "were" is a rather passive starting verb!! We already know there is a tornado coming from the pic and the subtitle. Create some intrigue by delaying any mention of tornados for as long as possible. Just start with, they lived in a farmhouse in Tulsa CO, and leave it at that : )
Splice second sentence w first as shown above
Unless you want to be PC, telling the number of boys and girls is redundant. Avoid the double colon of "two boys: Rose:" to not confuse the reader. They had four children: Rose (14), Rebecca (10), etc
The family hadn't lived in Tulsa very long, only for six months. **redundant. They "had only lived in Tulsa for six months".
The weatherman predicted ** how did they find out? On TV?
a living room, **A** dining room
They learned **how?** that their safest room during a tornado would be in the basement.
Jasmine seemed to **how?** laugh at them.
supplies:
For protection and shelter: **avoid double colon
(4) N-95 respirators (face masks) **everyone knows that N-95s are face masks; try not to over-explain things to the reader!
This is an enormous grocery list that looks like it was copied and pasted. No one is going to read through it.
"necessary supplies" is mentioned twice
The children were glad ** show don't tell. How did they express being glad? Avoid boring verbs like were, had put.
A dark greenish sky. ** cool detail!**
Then black storm clouds gathered **don't forget a period**
It is a good thing they had locked their door. **I can't tell if that part is a joke or not
Well done for leaving some suspense at the end.
I recommend you think hard about keeping the action moving. You have a lot of short sentences. Some can be connected up. Leave out superfluous details. The names of the kids, rooms, supplies all seem to be irrelevant unless you plan on using them. They are not setting the scene for where they end up in the basement. You can focus on the five human senses, the noises, the humidity, the terrifying calm, the changing shapes of cloud formations, and perhaps specifically what it is like to be in the basement during a tornado. Tell more about how they hear about the tornado and what its approach is like. If the cat is an important detail, maybe you want to tell this story from the cat's perspective? IDK. But focus on relevant details and pacing! Thanks for the read, and good luck!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Thanks. I will try to fix it.
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They were glad the door is locked. Of course, it is not a joke.
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I just grew up with silly locks on my front door that did not have a deadbolt mechanism, so locking OUR door wouldn?t have done anything to keep the door from opening! This lock, presumably, is a bit more sturdy.
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K
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I have revised my review up a star commensurate with your edits, which make the piece easier to read : )
One trick to increase the pacing of the action is to have your paragraphs much shorter when things get more intense. You can even have one line per paragraph. For example:
The rafters in the basement began to creak and sway. Small bits of rock chipped away from the edges of the fieldstone walls.
There was a crash upstairs.
One of the children screamed. The mother grabbed her tight.
Then, time seemed to stop.
An eerie silence filled the basement. The children looked around.
Where was the cat?
Etc, you get the idea!
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I will fix it.
