Comment from SimianSavant

Excellent

Looks good. Is this a prologue for a longer work? If it is, you might consider adding a bit more detail and red herrings, mundane little things in the Wallas home just to paint a more vivid picture. And double lines on paragraph breaks would make this slightly more readable. I did not see any grammatical errors though. Also, nice final sentence.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2021

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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021

Hello and thank you for your review! It is, the beginning to my most recent project. It also happened to fit in with the contest guidelines, and I figured the more feedback the better! Yes, definitely line breaks, but I took them out for the purpose of the contest because I didn't know if those would count as word count and it had to be under 500 :D I definitely want to add more to this and your suggestions are helpful!

Comment from Terry Broxson

Excellent

That is good. I did not realize you were writing for contest entry until I finished the story. Good Luck in the contest. That is a very creative way to write a family story, and you have the great open for a crime thriller! Good Job.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2021

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reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021

Thank you! My overall plan for the project is a psychological crime thriller, but openings are always difficult and I decided the contest was a great way to get this started :D