Hannah's Revenge
Jealousy and fear of reprisal lead to a horrible end.4 total reviews
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This story is compelling. The imagery is clear. The dialogue is believable. The pace is good. The story stays on point. The end has a nice twist.
The only suggestion would to have a bit more descriptive gore at the end.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2021
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This story is compelling. The imagery is clear. The dialogue is believable. The pace is good. The story stays on point. The end has a nice twist.
The only suggestion would to have a bit more descriptive gore at the end.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2021
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Thank you for the read, review and suggestion. I will consider in rewrite.
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You are welcome.
Comment from SimianSavant
This is entertaining. 5 for ideas, 4 for execution. I get the feeling that this was written rather quickly with a lot of stuff packed into each paragraph. It could benefit from extra paragraph breaks and using shorter more precise phrases, to help the reader digest the content more easily.
It is pretty funny that you have the word *screamed* followed in some cases without exclamation points, kind of like a dad telling the scariest story ever to his bratty emo kids in a deadpan voice. If you plan to keep that, you could make it even funnier by doubling down on it.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2021
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This is entertaining. 5 for ideas, 4 for execution. I get the feeling that this was written rather quickly with a lot of stuff packed into each paragraph. It could benefit from extra paragraph breaks and using shorter more precise phrases, to help the reader digest the content more easily.
It is pretty funny that you have the word *screamed* followed in some cases without exclamation points, kind of like a dad telling the scariest story ever to his bratty emo kids in a deadpan voice. If you plan to keep that, you could make it even funnier by doubling down on it.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2021
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Thanks for the read and comments. I will be sure to consider your thoughts on a rewrite.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Chilling story, masterfully told! Stunning ending.
Mary told [Ann=>ANNE]
Both girls were seen by their [mothers'=>MOTHERS] vomiting
[OMIT When] The girls, confronted by their parents about vomiting, wasting God's gifts of food, claimed that were being compelled by Hannah's specter to force their fingers down their throats and regurgitate anything that they had consumed.
suckled when he came to the bed OF his faithful servants
The [fathers'=>FATHERS] responded to their daughters' pleas
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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Chilling story, masterfully told! Stunning ending.
Mary told [Ann=>ANNE]
Both girls were seen by their [mothers'=>MOTHERS] vomiting
[OMIT When] The girls, confronted by their parents about vomiting, wasting God's gifts of food, claimed that were being compelled by Hannah's specter to force their fingers down their throats and regurgitate anything that they had consumed.
suckled when he came to the bed OF his faithful servants
The [fathers'=>FATHERS] responded to their daughters' pleas
Comment Written 20-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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Thanks for the careful read. I appreciate the time you took with my story. I will edit.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
What a story - excellent work on this. The artwork lends to the horror of the story. It gave me shivers - not something I usually experience when reading the most gruesome of work.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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What a story - excellent work on this. The artwork lends to the horror of the story. It gave me shivers - not something I usually experience when reading the most gruesome of work.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2021
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Thank you for taking the time to read, review and your encouraging comments.
