Memories of This World
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Memories of this World ch. 15"Memories of a life
11 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
Your shopping mall scene is keenly observed and recorded in visceral detail. The sights and sounds, the bustle and the trading closely parallel the atmosphere of the old bazaar, except, perhaps in the intimacy of former times and the fierce haggling!. Your mix of long and short sentences suggests the surge and lull of activity.
A couple of suggestions. The first is to lose a here in:
[Here] you can witness countless little moments in the lives of those who have made their way [here] today, in this the market of our time.
The second is a matter of personal choice. I've read it through several times and to my ear it would sound better as a series of complete sentences in the present tense. However, up to you, of course.
A young man in a polo shirt and slacks ask(ing)s a girl in designer jeans for her phone number. A sales clerk on a break, sit(ting)s in a corner of the food court, staring at the crowds and sighing. A woman drag(ging)s two crying kids from the window of a toy store. A man count(ing)s out twenty dollar bills on the counter of a jewelry kiosk. School girls laugh(ing) at an old man staring at them from a coffee bar.
In UK Eng, schoolgirls would be one word and twenty-dollar would be hyphenated.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
  |
Your shopping mall scene is keenly observed and recorded in visceral detail. The sights and sounds, the bustle and the trading closely parallel the atmosphere of the old bazaar, except, perhaps in the intimacy of former times and the fierce haggling!. Your mix of long and short sentences suggests the surge and lull of activity.
A couple of suggestions. The first is to lose a here in:
[Here] you can witness countless little moments in the lives of those who have made their way [here] today, in this the market of our time.
The second is a matter of personal choice. I've read it through several times and to my ear it would sound better as a series of complete sentences in the present tense. However, up to you, of course.
A young man in a polo shirt and slacks ask(ing)s a girl in designer jeans for her phone number. A sales clerk on a break, sit(ting)s in a corner of the food court, staring at the crowds and sighing. A woman drag(ging)s two crying kids from the window of a toy store. A man count(ing)s out twenty dollar bills on the counter of a jewelry kiosk. School girls laugh(ing) at an old man staring at them from a coffee bar.
In UK Eng, schoolgirls would be one word and twenty-dollar would be hyphenated.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks again for the fantastic review and all the support. I appreciate it. estory
Comment from Irish Rain
It's as if I were there.
I like nothing better than to just watch.
Often, especially at Christmas, when the mall
is most crowded, I'll order a plate of Japanese (spicy)
and find a corner table...just to watch these lives
unfold.
You caught it all so accurately, especially the sales clerk
on a break. That used to be me. I know that sigh.
Wonderful! Blessings...
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
It's as if I were there.
I like nothing better than to just watch.
Often, especially at Christmas, when the mall
is most crowded, I'll order a plate of Japanese (spicy)
and find a corner table...just to watch these lives
unfold.
You caught it all so accurately, especially the sales clerk
on a break. That used to be me. I know that sigh.
Wonderful! Blessings...
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks again for the exceptional review and all your continued support over all the years...estory
-
You're most welcome, hope you and your father are well.
Comment from Judy Lawless
I enjoyed taking this stroll with you through the mall. You've captured the people who are there very well. I feel like you were sitting at a table, watching and recording it all. Yes, modern day malls are reminiscent of ancient market places, although usually much less relaxed. Thanks for taking us along.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
 |
I enjoyed taking this stroll with you through the mall. You've captured the people who are there very well. I feel like you were sitting at a table, watching and recording it all. Yes, modern day malls are reminiscent of ancient market places, although usually much less relaxed. Thanks for taking us along.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and I am glad I was able to get across this busy scene, as well as the sense of interconnected humanity in all its experiences, brought together by a place and a time. estory
Comment from Gert sherwood
estory
Thank you describing so well of what is the mall
I saw a shop with lovely jewelry, a shop with blush hand bags, and other shops with ice cream, office supplies and what ever would attract men and and fancy clothing.
estory I saw shoppers throughout a busy mall with a woman A woman dragging two crying kids from the window of a toy store. A man counting out twenty dollar bills on the counter of a jewelry kiosk. School girls laughing at an old man staring at them from a coffee bar.
Thank you estory for reminding us of the modern way we live.
Gert
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
estory
Thank you describing so well of what is the mall
I saw a shop with lovely jewelry, a shop with blush hand bags, and other shops with ice cream, office supplies and what ever would attract men and and fancy clothing.
estory I saw shoppers throughout a busy mall with a woman A woman dragging two crying kids from the window of a toy store. A man counting out twenty dollar bills on the counter of a jewelry kiosk. School girls laughing at an old man staring at them from a coffee bar.
Thank you estory for reminding us of the modern way we live.
Gert
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks again for the six star review and all your wonderful comments supporting the piece estory
-
Estory
You are most welcome
Gert
Comment from Jasmine Girl
You did a great job describing the shopping mall as I remembered. Unfortunately, it's a things of the past. Thanks to Covid19.
Why didn't you use comma between words in the following sentence?
Boxes of candy wrapped in ribbons. Remote control toys. Cellphones. Blue jeans and greeting cards.
Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
You did a great job describing the shopping mall as I remembered. Unfortunately, it's a things of the past. Thanks to Covid19.
Why didn't you use comma between words in the following sentence?
Boxes of candy wrapped in ribbons. Remote control toys. Cellphones. Blue jeans and greeting cards.
Well done.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and your comments on the piece and suggestions. I will take a look at it. estory
Comment from Ulla
Absolutely, estory. What you so beautifully described could have been an old western bazaar or the Arabic souk, Shoppers are buzzing around all the wares on offer. You captured this so very well. I really liked it. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
Absolutely, estory. What you so beautifully described could have been an old western bazaar or the Arabic souk, Shoppers are buzzing around all the wares on offer. You captured this so very well. I really liked it. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks again for the six star review and all your continued support over all the years...estory
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I feel you captured many experiences of Shopping Malls, but also feel they're dying out. Many in our area have closed or only a few stores remain open. I think in our economy it's only getting worse. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
I feel you captured many experiences of Shopping Malls, but also feel they're dying out. Many in our area have closed or only a few stores remain open. I think in our economy it's only getting worse. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and your perspective on the piece. These bazaars will survive in some way shape or form. This is integral to us as human beings. We are social creatures. estory
Comment from dellsworthpoet
An interesting small adventure. A reminder that despite what we consider sophistication we share many things with the past and with cultures everywhere.
The physical description is on spot. It is wonderful that you started by building a micro world, the mall. More than shopping, it is art, display, atmosphere. The vocabulary is good. The flow is well paced. The piece stays on point. The images are crisp.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
An interesting small adventure. A reminder that despite what we consider sophistication we share many things with the past and with cultures everywhere.
The physical description is on spot. It is wonderful that you started by building a micro world, the mall. More than shopping, it is art, display, atmosphere. The vocabulary is good. The flow is well paced. The piece stays on point. The images are crisp.
A good read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and your wonderful words of support for the writing in the piece. I appreciate it. estory
-
You are welcome.
Comment from Terry Broxson
You are right, this place is of our time, but also our past as it evolved to the present. It might be interesting, and I challenge you to give it some thought, to describe some of the sights, sounds, smells, taste (you did a great job of the present) that connect the old with the new. Today, when I am in a mall I see people dressed who could have just stepped out of an ancient bazaar.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
You are right, this place is of our time, but also our past as it evolved to the present. It might be interesting, and I challenge you to give it some thought, to describe some of the sights, sounds, smells, taste (you did a great job of the present) that connect the old with the new. Today, when I am in a mall I see people dressed who could have just stepped out of an ancient bazaar.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and your comments supporting the piece. estory
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Good story and I love the way the characters interact and the storyline is interesting!
It kept me anticipating more!
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you;-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
|
Good story and I love the way the characters interact and the storyline is interesting!
It kept me anticipating more!
Thank you for sharing and may God bless you;-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the excellent review and your perspective on the piece estory
-
;-)
