Brian's book of poem's
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "fallen leaves"poetry
46 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Davis
The imagery created by this haiku works effectively.
Perhaps a picture of autumn leaves might add to the visual presentation.
Well done.
An enjoyable read.
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The imagery created by this haiku works effectively.
Perhaps a picture of autumn leaves might add to the visual presentation.
Well done.
An enjoyable read.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from victor 66
An interesting haiku poem you have here. It is simplistic and yet thought-provoking. I suspect all leaves turn brown eventually. I am also impressed that you wrote your haiku as a "practice poem". Best wishes.
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An interesting haiku poem you have here. It is simplistic and yet thought-provoking. I suspect all leaves turn brown eventually. I am also impressed that you wrote your haiku as a "practice poem". Best wishes.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from royowen
A good attempt, I was wondering, politely, if you know what a satori line is? It's generally a line which provides a surprising, but relevant connecting line, and the last like, something like.
The trees in autumn,
Remove their coats,
And clothe the ground.
But well done, my friend, blessings Roy
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A good attempt, I was wondering, politely, if you know what a satori line is? It's generally a line which provides a surprising, but relevant connecting line, and the last like, something like.
The trees in autumn,
Remove their coats,
And clothe the ground.
But well done, my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from l.raven
Hi Brian, a great practice piece...
can i help you here sweet guy....because they used so few
words...try not to double up...
I love your poem my sweet friend...and keep trying...
there not as easy as you would think they would be...
very nicely done...love Linda xxoo
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Hi Brian, a great practice piece...
can i help you here sweet guy....because they used so few
words...try not to double up...
I love your poem my sweet friend...and keep trying...
there not as easy as you would think they would be...
very nicely done...love Linda xxoo
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from Janet Foor
Congratulation on stepping out of your comfort zone and practicing a haiku. It is a fun from to experience.
Suggestions: You might want to make the first two lines into one sentence.
Try not to use a word more than once.
Great effort
Janet
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Congratulation on stepping out of your comfort zone and practicing a haiku. It is a fun from to experience.
Suggestions: You might want to make the first two lines into one sentence.
Try not to use a word more than once.
Great effort
Janet
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I commend you for entering the contest--even if you aren't familiar with haiku. You gave it a good try. What I notice is your lines read like one big sentence. I was DQed in a contest for that reason.
May I suggest ~
be sure lines 1 & 2 connect
then use line 3 to add something one might see or do after reading those--the 'aha' moment--easier said than done.
Autumn is here [ autumn arrives ]
leaves have fallen [ leaves twirl and swirl in the air ~ ]
The leaves are brown [ ground reflects patchwork colors ]
I'm rate 5 becausse I believe you will revisde and you gave an honesst attempt. No capitals in haiku unless proper names, present tense is best, and use a dash after line 2 for emphsis.
Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
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I commend you for entering the contest--even if you aren't familiar with haiku. You gave it a good try. What I notice is your lines read like one big sentence. I was DQed in a contest for that reason.
May I suggest ~
be sure lines 1 & 2 connect
then use line 3 to add something one might see or do after reading those--the 'aha' moment--easier said than done.
Autumn is here [ autumn arrives ]
leaves have fallen [ leaves twirl and swirl in the air ~ ]
The leaves are brown [ ground reflects patchwork colors ]
I'm rate 5 becausse I believe you will revisde and you gave an honesst attempt. No capitals in haiku unless proper names, present tense is best, and use a dash after line 2 for emphsis.
Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I know you are practicing Haiku. It sounds right and the syllable counts are correct (less than 17 syllables).
The last line is usually a Satori.
I would suggest the following for the last line:
a golden season
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I know you are practicing Haiku. It sounds right and the syllable counts are correct (less than 17 syllables).
The last line is usually a Satori.
I would suggest the following for the last line:
a golden season
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from Frances Jean
A simple Autumn Haiku. We'll written with good imagery. One of my favourite seasons along with Spring. A picture accompanying your work would have been nice. Stay safe Franky
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A simple Autumn Haiku. We'll written with good imagery. One of my favourite seasons along with Spring. A picture accompanying your work would have been nice. Stay safe Franky
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from dragonpoet
This is a quick descriptions of Autumn (Fall). I hope you also see red and yellow leaves too. Though it does seem that after a while on the ground they all look about the same color.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dragonpoet
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This is a quick descriptions of Autumn (Fall). I hope you also see red and yellow leaves too. Though it does seem that after a while on the ground they all look about the same color.
Keep writing and stay healthy
dragonpoet
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from lynglyng
Very well written. Full thoughts conveyed with three short lines. I could see the brown leaves and I got a vision of Fall. It is difficult to bring complete thoughts and feel in such a short poem. You did a great job at this difficult task. Thanks for sharing!
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Very well written. Full thoughts conveyed with three short lines. I could see the brown leaves and I got a vision of Fall. It is difficult to bring complete thoughts and feel in such a short poem. You did a great job at this difficult task. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
