The Walkers
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Danger Never Seen Before"The Final Gabriel Hope Journey
17 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Yes, human trafficking is a major problem in the US and across the globe. As long as we allow our southern border to remain open it will only get worse. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
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Yes, human trafficking is a major problem in the US and across the globe. As long as we allow our southern border to remain open it will only get worse. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
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Hi, Barbara. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, they wouldn't find many virgins in our society today with all the hookup sights where people mostly meet for sex. It is starting to look like the days of Sodom and Gomorra. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
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Well, they wouldn't find many virgins in our society today with all the hookup sights where people mostly meet for sex. It is starting to look like the days of Sodom and Gomorra. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
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Hi, Ric. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from lancellot
A very interesting chapter. There are some things I noted. I'm not sure if you agree or are interested in such a review. So I will stop here.
The one in the center steps forward and says in a sinister tone, "Rise, miserable slave.{ Is the merchandise I requested?"}
- Are you sure about the wording here?
"You have done well, slave.
- You don't pay a slave???
Again, the wording and action of The Dealer do not match.
"Yes," The master begins to examine the girls closely.
"Yes." The master begins to examine the girls closely.
{"Yes, master.} I examined them myself."
-Shouldn't 'Master' be capitalized in this use?
"I remember the day the Lord created {him," Michael smiles.}
- him." Michael smiles.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
|
A very interesting chapter. There are some things I noted. I'm not sure if you agree or are interested in such a review. So I will stop here.
The one in the center steps forward and says in a sinister tone, "Rise, miserable slave.{ Is the merchandise I requested?"}
- Are you sure about the wording here?
"You have done well, slave.
- You don't pay a slave???
Again, the wording and action of The Dealer do not match.
"Yes," The master begins to examine the girls closely.
"Yes." The master begins to examine the girls closely.
{"Yes, master.} I examined them myself."
-Shouldn't 'Master' be capitalized in this use?
"I remember the day the Lord created {him," Michael smiles.}
- him." Michael smiles.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and help with this chapter. It's deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Ricky1024
I thoroughly enjoyed this well written and powerfully written chapter in the book entitled
"Walkers"
It was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
 |
I thoroughly enjoyed this well written and powerfully written chapter in the book entitled
"Walkers"
It was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks for sharing.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
-
Hi, Doctor Ricky. Thank you for your kind words and those shiny six stars. They are deeply appreciated!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from SimianSavant
This is a very colorful adventure story with potential to grow into a more mature work. Please do not think of three stars as a criticism, but as opportunity for growth! Fix the proofreading errors and send me a message, and I will be happy to revise up my review.
I like how this starts with the slave market. That is great material. Feel free to take your time with it. If it is in India, make sure you cover all five senses, especially the heat and the smell.
Sadly I don't have the time at the moment to provide more detailed feedback on showing vs telling but think about how to create intrigue. Stories benefit from a strong enemy. It is not enough to simply make your enemy evil. You gave him power; that is step one. Try making him empathetic, even admirable in some respect. Let him toy with the idea that he could be right. Show that he has a cause which he believes is just, and has taken way too far, in such a way as to pervert justice. Let the demon fight back instead of just sag to the ground, like an optical illusion, unless that is what you are trying to convey (that demons can't actually cause damage).
Characters: I wrote something a lot like this many years ago. There were a lot of real-life characters in there that were important to me, but not to the story. It can help readers in how we introduce each character. Bringing them all into the conversation in a homogenous fashion can weaken the narrative intrigue. Take care not to overdo the dialogue and try to show things instead of telling the reader about it literally. A good story leads you to discover things, even before you are told them. A good story does not need a "moral of the story" told to the children at the end. That is reserved for robot algorithms : )
A few small grammar things:
*Out walks three men* should be *walk*?
*Is the merchandise I requested?* assuming you meant to have *this* in there?
* The Dealer motions to the girls, the robes fall* should be a semicolon or *and* in place of the comma
* "Yes," The master begins* another run-on sentence, which can be mitigated with a period.
* Gabriel has drifted ahead about a quarter of a mile. He didn't like the smell in front of them, and now the air reaks of death. Gabe stops * verb tense inconsistency. Suggest changing *didn't* to *doesn't*.
* beedie red eyes * I think it is spelled *beady*. Also note that you keep changing the pronoun between *its* and *his*; unless it is a priority to introduce gender ambiguity, it might be less confusing to the reader to stick with one pronoun.
* creature horrifically growls* horrifically seems like an odd adjective in conjunction with growls
*The demon screams, "Aaargh," * this is very funny because there is no exclamation point, like a mumble scream. You might want to add some emphasis though, haha
Looking forward to seeing more of your writing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
 |
This is a very colorful adventure story with potential to grow into a more mature work. Please do not think of three stars as a criticism, but as opportunity for growth! Fix the proofreading errors and send me a message, and I will be happy to revise up my review.
I like how this starts with the slave market. That is great material. Feel free to take your time with it. If it is in India, make sure you cover all five senses, especially the heat and the smell.
Sadly I don't have the time at the moment to provide more detailed feedback on showing vs telling but think about how to create intrigue. Stories benefit from a strong enemy. It is not enough to simply make your enemy evil. You gave him power; that is step one. Try making him empathetic, even admirable in some respect. Let him toy with the idea that he could be right. Show that he has a cause which he believes is just, and has taken way too far, in such a way as to pervert justice. Let the demon fight back instead of just sag to the ground, like an optical illusion, unless that is what you are trying to convey (that demons can't actually cause damage).
Characters: I wrote something a lot like this many years ago. There were a lot of real-life characters in there that were important to me, but not to the story. It can help readers in how we introduce each character. Bringing them all into the conversation in a homogenous fashion can weaken the narrative intrigue. Take care not to overdo the dialogue and try to show things instead of telling the reader about it literally. A good story leads you to discover things, even before you are told them. A good story does not need a "moral of the story" told to the children at the end. That is reserved for robot algorithms : )
A few small grammar things:
*Out walks three men* should be *walk*?
*Is the merchandise I requested?* assuming you meant to have *this* in there?
* The Dealer motions to the girls, the robes fall* should be a semicolon or *and* in place of the comma
* "Yes," The master begins* another run-on sentence, which can be mitigated with a period.
* Gabriel has drifted ahead about a quarter of a mile. He didn't like the smell in front of them, and now the air reaks of death. Gabe stops * verb tense inconsistency. Suggest changing *didn't* to *doesn't*.
* beedie red eyes * I think it is spelled *beady*. Also note that you keep changing the pronoun between *its* and *his*; unless it is a priority to introduce gender ambiguity, it might be less confusing to the reader to stick with one pronoun.
* creature horrifically growls* horrifically seems like an odd adjective in conjunction with growls
*The demon screams, "Aaargh," * this is very funny because there is no exclamation point, like a mumble scream. You might want to add some emphasis though, haha
Looking forward to seeing more of your writing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and help with this story.
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent story! The characters interact nicely together and the storyline keeps you anticipating what's going to happen next!
May God bless you and your family;-)
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
|
Excellent story! The characters interact nicely together and the storyline keeps you anticipating what's going to happen next!
May God bless you and your family;-)
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
-
Hi, Melodie. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
-
;-)
Comment from country ranch writer
Slater of the devil. Had to eventually come to a deadly end to free the slaves so they could become freehand be on their to follow their sin dreams and real.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
|
Slater of the devil. Had to eventually come to a deadly end to free the slaves so they could become freehand be on their to follow their sin dreams and real.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2021
-
Hello, my friend. Thank you for your kind words!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
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🐊🐊🐊
