Witness
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Separation"Modern struggle in another world.
4 total reviews
Comment from AliMom
Breathtakingly exciting. You create mood and tension excellently. Your characters, as always, are well-drawn. You continue to be the very best at creating action scenes with words that make one feel and see the action. I love the words, "nothing stops a bigot quite like being outnumbered by the targets of their slander." So powerful, so true. Fantastic job as always.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2021
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Breathtakingly exciting. You create mood and tension excellently. Your characters, as always, are well-drawn. You continue to be the very best at creating action scenes with words that make one feel and see the action. I love the words, "nothing stops a bigot quite like being outnumbered by the targets of their slander." So powerful, so true. Fantastic job as always.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2021
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate you giving it the time. Have a great day (or night) when you get this.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter of the Fiction speaks a solid narrative taletelling thru an orderly theme promoted by plot development, fostered by dialogues realistic about a street battle ends with a dangerous decision; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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This Chapter of the Fiction speaks a solid narrative taletelling thru an orderly theme promoted by plot development, fostered by dialogues realistic about a street battle ends with a dangerous decision; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 03-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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Thank you again for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the time you gave the piece and I definitely hope you have a good day.
Comment from Jay Squires
I can't believe your mastery of the flow you're exhibiting here. I have a feeling you won't take it as a compliment for me to say your characters have the same lofty crustiness as Hemingway's resistance characters. (It's popular to disavow Hemingway these days, but I have a feeling you've studied them closely).
I've only a few notes in your praiseworthy prose:
One gashed me across the temple with a broken bottle, but he overbalanced and I smashed him into the barricade. [I'm not mentioning this as a point of complaint; I am just a tad confused with the image, though. I stop when an image doesn't follow through, but leaves part of the image incomplete. Perhaps it's because you don't say whether the bottle was thrown or held in the hand when it smashed into her temple. If I envisioned a held bottle performing the injury, then I can also imagine the attacker as being thrown out of balance, but I would still like to have a more specific image of how the narrator slammed him/her into the barricade. Again, perhaps I'm being nitpicky, I don't know, but everything, hitherto, has hummed right along in the theater of my mind.]
"This can't keep going." Isidoros looked to Agathe and I with tired eyes, [... looked to Agathe and ME with tired eyes..." "ME" is the correct object of the sentence, easily tested by removing removing "Agathe and" from the sentence. You wouldn't say "Isidoros looked to I with tired eyes."]
It was of Endeis and I on some sunny day, ["It was of Endeis and ME on some sunny day ..." I know from the gorgeous roll and fluency of your sentences, that these are rare mistakes.]
and bright red pepper mace still clinging to the handkerchief around her neck, the only thing that had protected her face. [What a cogent image this is!]
You have a fine grasp of the craft, K. I wish you had posted this a day later so I could happily award it with a six!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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I can't believe your mastery of the flow you're exhibiting here. I have a feeling you won't take it as a compliment for me to say your characters have the same lofty crustiness as Hemingway's resistance characters. (It's popular to disavow Hemingway these days, but I have a feeling you've studied them closely).
I've only a few notes in your praiseworthy prose:
One gashed me across the temple with a broken bottle, but he overbalanced and I smashed him into the barricade. [I'm not mentioning this as a point of complaint; I am just a tad confused with the image, though. I stop when an image doesn't follow through, but leaves part of the image incomplete. Perhaps it's because you don't say whether the bottle was thrown or held in the hand when it smashed into her temple. If I envisioned a held bottle performing the injury, then I can also imagine the attacker as being thrown out of balance, but I would still like to have a more specific image of how the narrator slammed him/her into the barricade. Again, perhaps I'm being nitpicky, I don't know, but everything, hitherto, has hummed right along in the theater of my mind.]
"This can't keep going." Isidoros looked to Agathe and I with tired eyes, [... looked to Agathe and ME with tired eyes..." "ME" is the correct object of the sentence, easily tested by removing removing "Agathe and" from the sentence. You wouldn't say "Isidoros looked to I with tired eyes."]
It was of Endeis and I on some sunny day, ["It was of Endeis and ME on some sunny day ..." I know from the gorgeous roll and fluency of your sentences, that these are rare mistakes.]
and bright red pepper mace still clinging to the handkerchief around her neck, the only thing that had protected her face. [What a cogent image this is!]
You have a fine grasp of the craft, K. I wish you had posted this a day later so I could happily award it with a six!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I know Hemingway has his problems, but I take the comparison writing-wise as a compliment. I went through and did my best to fix what you saw. Thank you for giving it the time and attention. I hope you have a great day (or night, whenever this reaches you).
Comment from Zhen Xuan Liu
This is a great general fiction! I love the well-embedded, intriguing conversations and the descriptive details you put into this. Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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This is a great general fiction! I love the well-embedded, intriguing conversations and the descriptive details you put into this. Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2021
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it and I hope you have a great day (or night, depending on when this reaches you).
