The Assassins Day Off
Even Assassins need a day off27 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
Should probably have an apostrophe in the title to denote the possessive.
Probably be a good idea to look at the formatting here and insert clear lines between paragraphs. helps to make it more readable on screen. Also, folk have a tendency to skip over blocks of unbroken text.
He blinked again and again but there was no changing what he saw- would this not be out of character for a seasoned assassin?
He slunk to another table further from the entrance and the window. - generally speaking farther is used for distance.
He slunk to another table further from the entrance and the window. He lost sight of them. - this also seems unprofessional. He'd move out of their view but keep tabs on them surely?
His referral to a large mirror on the hotel - referral feels odd here. you could say something like a quick glance at...
Too late to call his daughter and he slid his right hand underneath his shirt. - I would change 'and' here to a comma. I think it would flow a little better.
The tale itself is a pleasing one and raises a smile. A little ironing out if you so choose.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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hi there,
Should probably have an apostrophe in the title to denote the possessive.
Probably be a good idea to look at the formatting here and insert clear lines between paragraphs. helps to make it more readable on screen. Also, folk have a tendency to skip over blocks of unbroken text.
He blinked again and again but there was no changing what he saw- would this not be out of character for a seasoned assassin?
He slunk to another table further from the entrance and the window. - generally speaking farther is used for distance.
He slunk to another table further from the entrance and the window. He lost sight of them. - this also seems unprofessional. He'd move out of their view but keep tabs on them surely?
His referral to a large mirror on the hotel - referral feels odd here. you could say something like a quick glance at...
Too late to call his daughter and he slid his right hand underneath his shirt. - I would change 'and' here to a comma. I think it would flow a little better.
The tale itself is a pleasing one and raises a smile. A little ironing out if you so choose.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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Thank you for taking the time to review my story and provide helpful comments. I do truly appreciate the feedback . I am enjoying the site and find it helpful to have reviews of my work sent back in very quick time. I have not found a similar site in Australia. Take Care
Comment from Mary Shifman
This was exciting. You built up the suspense very well. I was expecting all **** to break loose in the restaurant. Great ending. I've been working on an assassin story but can't seem to get it right. Well done. By the time I do, the contest will be over! Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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This was exciting. You built up the suspense very well. I was expecting all **** to break loose in the restaurant. Great ending. I've been working on an assassin story but can't seem to get it right. Well done. By the time I do, the contest will be over! Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2021
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Mary, Thank you for taking the time to review my story . Hope you get around your " writer's block" and lodge an entry. All the best.
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You are very welcome. I'm kicking around and idea but I'm not sure I like it. I'll have to check the listing and see how much time I have. Thanks.
Comment from PoemsOfDD
I enjoyed this gripping story. The title fits it well and the detail allowed the reader to stay engaged.
Just a couple of grammar edit, if I may - as show in ( ).
It was unlikely he would encounter trouble(,) and he had already begun to relax and take a position at a window seat.
Relax(,) he said to himself.
It was unlikely he would encounter trouble, and he had already begun to relax and take a position (in) a window seat.
A drink ordered earlier was already half finished()when his pleasant thoughts were suddenly changed.
He blinked again and again(,) but there was no changing what he saw.
Beside him, Olivia Milanos(,) a woman of stunning beauty(,) garnered the attention of all.
This was not good. (delete space before full-stop)
His referral to a large mirror on the hotel wall showed otherwise(,) and Olivia's grand entrance announced their arrival. Too late to call his daughter(,) he slid his right hand underneath his shirt.
A table and two chairs lay directly across the aisle(,) and he knew it would give him a better shot and more time to react.
Jude, (p)lease accept this gift from both of us. It is our day off. No doubt we will meet in the future Enrico and Olivia. He smiled and(,) hearing his daughter's voice, confirmed this indeed would now be a good day off.
Thank you for sharing this suspenseful read.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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I enjoyed this gripping story. The title fits it well and the detail allowed the reader to stay engaged.
Just a couple of grammar edit, if I may - as show in ( ).
It was unlikely he would encounter trouble(,) and he had already begun to relax and take a position at a window seat.
Relax(,) he said to himself.
It was unlikely he would encounter trouble, and he had already begun to relax and take a position (in) a window seat.
A drink ordered earlier was already half finished()when his pleasant thoughts were suddenly changed.
He blinked again and again(,) but there was no changing what he saw.
Beside him, Olivia Milanos(,) a woman of stunning beauty(,) garnered the attention of all.
This was not good. (delete space before full-stop)
His referral to a large mirror on the hotel wall showed otherwise(,) and Olivia's grand entrance announced their arrival. Too late to call his daughter(,) he slid his right hand underneath his shirt.
A table and two chairs lay directly across the aisle(,) and he knew it would give him a better shot and more time to react.
Jude, (p)lease accept this gift from both of us. It is our day off. No doubt we will meet in the future Enrico and Olivia. He smiled and(,) hearing his daughter's voice, confirmed this indeed would now be a good day off.
Thank you for sharing this suspenseful read.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Thanks for reviewing my story. I also appreciate your hints on grammatical issues. Have a good day and take care.
Comment from SimianSavant
You have an entertaining and amusing story here that just needs a bit of editing work.
Missing punctuation in the title. I realize that this site does a very poor job of escaping quotes and special characters, so the only way around this is to use straight quotes so it doesn't gum up their word professor. If you are writing this on a iPhone, hold down the quote key and it will switch to straight quotes.
* Jude Grant had arrived in Sydney, Australia with a purpose. A meeting with his daughter.* Two sentence fragments. Merge these together. The easiest way to do this is with a colon.
There are no line breaks in this work, making it quite difficult to read. Consider where to add them. This is a high action piece, so the more breaks the better. In a lot of places you could do them after every line. Also add more breaks (mostly commas). Such as *Relax, he said to himself*
On the note at the end, I would do it as follows:
*It read:
Jude,
Please accept this gift from both of us. It is our day off. No doubt we will meet in the future.
Enrico and Olivia*
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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You have an entertaining and amusing story here that just needs a bit of editing work.
Missing punctuation in the title. I realize that this site does a very poor job of escaping quotes and special characters, so the only way around this is to use straight quotes so it doesn't gum up their word professor. If you are writing this on a iPhone, hold down the quote key and it will switch to straight quotes.
* Jude Grant had arrived in Sydney, Australia with a purpose. A meeting with his daughter.* Two sentence fragments. Merge these together. The easiest way to do this is with a colon.
There are no line breaks in this work, making it quite difficult to read. Consider where to add them. This is a high action piece, so the more breaks the better. In a lot of places you could do them after every line. Also add more breaks (mostly commas). Such as *Relax, he said to himself*
On the note at the end, I would do it as follows:
*It read:
Jude,
Please accept this gift from both of us. It is our day off. No doubt we will meet in the future.
Enrico and Olivia*
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Thanks for reviewing my story and for the very helpful hints. I will take them into account. You have a good day and take care.
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You are welcome!
Comment from Zhen Xuan Liu
This is a great horror and thriller fiction! I like the flow of this and the detailed description you put in. I am able to picture the scene happening in mind! Good job!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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This is a great horror and thriller fiction! I like the flow of this and the detailed description you put in. I am able to picture the scene happening in mind! Good job!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Thanks for reviewing my story. Glad you liked it and you make sure you have a good day.
Comment from oliver818
This is a great entry for this competition, and a fun one too. I like the original approach you took with it, which means there's no violence in it. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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This is a great entry for this competition, and a fun one too. I like the original approach you took with it, which means there's no violence in it. Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Thanks for taking the time to review my story. Glad you enjoyed it and the fact that it had no violence. Take Care
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Comprehensive storyline which grabs the reader's interest at the introduction and develops it as the story progresses.
The introduction of rather more dialogue would enhance.
This could be done by an early conversation with his daughter, expressing his joy at the possibility of seeing her again. etc.
I saw no spags.
Best wishes for the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Comprehensive storyline which grabs the reader's interest at the introduction and develops it as the story progresses.
The introduction of rather more dialogue would enhance.
This could be done by an early conversation with his daughter, expressing his joy at the possibility of seeing her again. etc.
I saw no spags.
Best wishes for the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2021
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Thanks for your review of my story. I agree with your comment about more dialogue. Take Care and have a great day.
