Homicide
This is a sad & serious piece that may evoke serious dialog12 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I only found one error which is undoubtedly a typo. You have written 'The marches dropped their signs.' and I do believe you meant to say 'marchers.' I feel that sometimes a story dictates how it will be written. I've written a few such stories without dialogue and even in retrospect, I think they had to be written that way.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2021
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I only found one error which is undoubtedly a typo. You have written 'The marches dropped their signs.' and I do believe you meant to say 'marchers.' I feel that sometimes a story dictates how it will be written. I've written a few such stories without dialogue and even in retrospect, I think they had to be written that way.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2021
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Thank you for the great review and catching the typo - Jerry
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Writer.
You've written a very interesting story. The twist at the end makes it even more so. As you set up the story with the rising action it would seem the opposite would be true if a gun were to be fired.
You did a great job with this story. The ending is 180 degrees from what one would anticipate based on the description of everyone involved.
Human behavior is unpredictable to a large extent. The story does have good meaning. Good luck in the contest.
Robert
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Hello Writer.
You've written a very interesting story. The twist at the end makes it even more so. As you set up the story with the rising action it would seem the opposite would be true if a gun were to be fired.
You did a great job with this story. The ending is 180 degrees from what one would anticipate based on the description of everyone involved.
Human behavior is unpredictable to a large extent. The story does have good meaning. Good luck in the contest.
Robert
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Robert - WOW - Thanks for the kind words and the six big shinny stars.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
I should not comment on your posting, but I also am not in favor of homicide. When it comes to a person's life, every life is precious. We are experiencing horrible news about a recent homicide. So very sad. Wish they would solve the case.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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I should not comment on your posting, but I also am not in favor of homicide. When it comes to a person's life, every life is precious. We are experiencing horrible news about a recent homicide. So very sad. Wish they would solve the case.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Rosemary -Thank you for the excellent review. I am not curious why you did not feel that you should comment. I do hope that I have not brought up sad memories. If I did, I am sincerely sorry.
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you did not bring up sad memories; but the young girl who toured National parks and never made it home, is very sorrowful news to hear.
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Agreed. I really dread watching the news.
Comment from Patty Palmer
This is an enjoyable entry to the "Something that Means Something to You" contest. It was interesting and my interest the entire way through. It's not easy to make your own story stand out when every entry must start with the very same exact sentence. The reader must give the story a chance to become it's own. You did a great job of turning it around quickly and effortlessly. Good luck with the contest. You have my vote!
Patty
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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This is an enjoyable entry to the "Something that Means Something to You" contest. It was interesting and my interest the entire way through. It's not easy to make your own story stand out when every entry must start with the very same exact sentence. The reader must give the story a chance to become it's own. You did a great job of turning it around quickly and effortlessly. Good luck with the contest. You have my vote!
Patty
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Patty - Thank you for your very encouraging words. Yes, I wanted to try something far different than expected. We will see how the experiment works out.
Comment from komaeda
Could just be me, but I cringe when IQ is mentioned in the description of a character. I suppose it comes off as Eurocentric, given that IQ is not necessarily a reliable measure of one's intelligence, and was born from Western conceptions of 'intelligence.'
On another note, I feel that the storytelling could be more tactful- instead of telling the audience EVERYTHING, maybe focus on guiding them instead. With a mysterious ending like this, I think this piece would benefit more from elusive storytelling rather than the literal approach you've taken. Just my opinion, though. Thanks for sharing!
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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Could just be me, but I cringe when IQ is mentioned in the description of a character. I suppose it comes off as Eurocentric, given that IQ is not necessarily a reliable measure of one's intelligence, and was born from Western conceptions of 'intelligence.'
On another note, I feel that the storytelling could be more tactful- instead of telling the audience EVERYTHING, maybe focus on guiding them instead. With a mysterious ending like this, I think this piece would benefit more from elusive storytelling rather than the literal approach you've taken. Just my opinion, though. Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thank you and welcome to FS
Comment from Wendy G
You have recounted a sad and too frequent happening - the reasons for homicide may be complex but the inevitable results remain devastating to all concerned. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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You have recounted a sad and too frequent happening - the reasons for homicide may be complex but the inevitable results remain devastating to all concerned. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Wendy - Thank you for the Excellent Review and your kind words.
Comment from lancellot
Homicide {can be} defined as the act of one human killing another human.
-suggest changing this to: is
Even with the different types you list, the fact of one human killing another still remains.
Betty, actually Elizabeth, was an outstanding example of [a stereotype All-American Girl.}
the stereotypical All-American Girl.
. Everyone froze for a moment. Most just stood and looked around confused and frightened.
-Are you sure about this. That's not what people do when they hear a shot. They panic, they run.
Hmm, I think this is attempting to make a statement, but unfortunately it falls short. I guess the reader is supposed to ask all those questions or care, but without creating a connection to the dead person (which this doesn't do, or a personal connect to Betty -we don't know her because we never engage with her. We were only told things about her- It doesn't work.
The first rule of reader empathy (so it means something to us), is telling them a story. Here we have only a brief narration.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Homicide {can be} defined as the act of one human killing another human.
-suggest changing this to: is
Even with the different types you list, the fact of one human killing another still remains.
Betty, actually Elizabeth, was an outstanding example of [a stereotype All-American Girl.}
the stereotypical All-American Girl.
. Everyone froze for a moment. Most just stood and looked around confused and frightened.
-Are you sure about this. That's not what people do when they hear a shot. They panic, they run.
Hmm, I think this is attempting to make a statement, but unfortunately it falls short. I guess the reader is supposed to ask all those questions or care, but without creating a connection to the dead person (which this doesn't do, or a personal connect to Betty -we don't know her because we never engage with her. We were only told things about her- It doesn't work.
The first rule of reader empathy (so it means something to us), is telling them a story. Here we have only a brief narration.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Lancellot - Thank you for the thoughtful review and helpful comments.
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
This is why we have crime scene investigators. Guns don't kill people; people kill people, whether by accident or by intention. You are absolutely right how the horror of it all affects not only the victim, but also family and friends of the victim, and society as a whole. All of this, of course, is just my personal opinion, so PLEASE I pray my comments do not offend you. It is not intended to do so.
Your writing is exceptional, and I could definitely feel how important this subject is to you; rest assured, it is important to many of us, although we may agree on some things and disagree on others.
Great job!!!!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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This is why we have crime scene investigators. Guns don't kill people; people kill people, whether by accident or by intention. You are absolutely right how the horror of it all affects not only the victim, but also family and friends of the victim, and society as a whole. All of this, of course, is just my personal opinion, so PLEASE I pray my comments do not offend you. It is not intended to do so.
Your writing is exceptional, and I could definitely feel how important this subject is to you; rest assured, it is important to many of us, although we may agree on some things and disagree on others.
Great job!!!!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Thank you for the excellent review and very thoughtful comments. We have no disagreement.
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Awesome :)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Compelling and provocative--brilliant bait-and-switch--stunning twist as to the good girl as the killer. Ironic that the NRA member is the victim of gunshot.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Compelling and provocative--brilliant bait-and-switch--stunning twist as to the good girl as the killer. Ironic that the NRA member is the victim of gunshot.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
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Thank you for the excellent review. You are great reader, you caught the little nooks and crannies. Hope you did not mind my using your name in the story.
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Funny--no problem--we have different nicknames!
Comment from Jay Squires
Good job Mr/Mrs./Ms. Anonymous. You developed your theme nicely, yet it was short enough to concentrate on the act you feel so strongly about.
Betty, actually Elizabeth, was an outstanding example of a stereotype All-American Girl. [I would suggest either: a stereotype OF AN All-American Girl; or, better, STEREOTYPICAL OF AN All-American-Girl.]
was a dead body wearing a NRA sweatshirt [... wearing AN NRA sweatshirt...]
It is the height of irony, isn't it that one who advocated against gun rights would use a gun to kill another. Something more ironic in its way would have been if she had used a knife or pair of scissors to stab him (showing it's not the gun that's the culprit, but a heart filled with hatred.
Hope my suggestions add something to your already well-developed and well-written story.
Jay
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Good job Mr/Mrs./Ms. Anonymous. You developed your theme nicely, yet it was short enough to concentrate on the act you feel so strongly about.
Betty, actually Elizabeth, was an outstanding example of a stereotype All-American Girl. [I would suggest either: a stereotype OF AN All-American Girl; or, better, STEREOTYPICAL OF AN All-American-Girl.]
was a dead body wearing a NRA sweatshirt [... wearing AN NRA sweatshirt...]
It is the height of irony, isn't it that one who advocated against gun rights would use a gun to kill another. Something more ironic in its way would have been if she had used a knife or pair of scissors to stab him (showing it's not the gun that's the culprit, but a heart filled with hatred.
Hope my suggestions add something to your already well-developed and well-written story.
Jay
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Jay - thanks for the great review and very helpful suggestions. This is a very tough subject and "hate" is another that really needs to be addressed. Our country is facing many sever challenges.
