Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Thrill of the Hunt "Flash Fiction
21 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
GC,
Well, I get what they were doing. Don't like it, but I get it. The thing is, although I know you were working with a very small space, some of this doesn't quite work. Let's look:
Notes:
1.) His father's toothless grin widened.
--> but he hadn't been grinning, he's been snarling, right?
2.) his face collapsed inward like falling wax.
--> love this, though you might consider 'melting' wax
3.) "Wipe that blood off," his father ordered,
--> first, what blood, where? And why? If they're out hunting - why bother with cleaning it off until they're done? I don't hunt but I can't imagine hunters being too fastidious about their appearances until they get back to the cabin or home and take a shower. This didn't sound right to me. Anyway, was the blood on the boy or the dead man or the gun? Help?
You might consider moving some words around to better facilitate the storyline. Thanks - good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
   |
GC,
Well, I get what they were doing. Don't like it, but I get it. The thing is, although I know you were working with a very small space, some of this doesn't quite work. Let's look:
Notes:
1.) His father's toothless grin widened.
--> but he hadn't been grinning, he's been snarling, right?
2.) his face collapsed inward like falling wax.
--> love this, though you might consider 'melting' wax
3.) "Wipe that blood off," his father ordered,
--> first, what blood, where? And why? If they're out hunting - why bother with cleaning it off until they're done? I don't hunt but I can't imagine hunters being too fastidious about their appearances until they get back to the cabin or home and take a shower. This didn't sound right to me. Anyway, was the blood on the boy or the dead man or the gun? Help?
You might consider moving some words around to better facilitate the storyline. Thanks - good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
-
Hi Robyn thanks! Yeah I use poetic words in flash fiction like falling wax. The blood is just assuming it was there. I don't know lol. But thank you for the review! Flash fiction is tricky!
Comment from country ranch writer
Hum I wonder what was behind the killing. They claim the canibals call it sweet meat but just the thought of eating another is gross to me. Guess it all depends how hungry your situation has become?
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
|
Hum I wonder what was behind the killing. They claim the canibals call it sweet meat but just the thought of eating another is gross to me. Guess it all depends how hungry your situation has become?
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
-
Yes! Great read into it! Thank you so much :)
-
Smiles🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎
-
Smiles🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Oh, gross and satisfyingly surprising. I have always had a feeling that sort of thing might go on in the "backwoods"...when a man is hungry... You wrote this simply and therefore it really had an impact! Good job...and I will skip my ham sandwich dinner tonight!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
|
Oh, gross and satisfyingly surprising. I have always had a feeling that sort of thing might go on in the "backwoods"...when a man is hungry... You wrote this simply and therefore it really had an impact! Good job...and I will skip my ham sandwich dinner tonight!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
-
Hahaha thank you Sherry!
Comment from Begin Again
"Animals" hunting human prey... what a horrible thought to ponder. You managed to completely turn my stomach in fifty words. Good job! (I think). LOL
Not clear to me where the boy was suppose to wipe the blood off....
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
|
"Animals" hunting human prey... what a horrible thought to ponder. You managed to completely turn my stomach in fifty words. Good job! (I think). LOL
Not clear to me where the boy was suppose to wipe the blood off....
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
-
Yeah i know what you mean Carol. There weren't enough words haha!
Thank you and have a great night!
Comment from Bill Schott
This dribble, The Thrill of the Hunt, has the proper word count and seems to place the readers in a "Most Dangerous Game" scenario with an extra 'eat what you kill' twist.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
|
This dribble, The Thrill of the Hunt, has the proper word count and seems to place the readers in a "Most Dangerous Game" scenario with an extra 'eat what you kill' twist.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
-
Thank you man!
Comment from papa55mike
To use a Stephen King phrase, Long Pork Stew. Long Pork was human flesh in the Gunslinger series. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
|
To use a Stephen King phrase, Long Pork Stew. Long Pork was human flesh in the Gunslinger series. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
-
God bless you too. And thank you!! Really.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. You covered all the necessary ingredients of a story using only a few words, character, plot, setting, problem, and solution. Good luck with the contest.
"Stop sniveling."
He snarled. (This should be on the same line, no space, and a comma after sniveling and lower case 'h' on he, example "Stop sniveling," he snarled.)
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
|
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. You covered all the necessary ingredients of a story using only a few words, character, plot, setting, problem, and solution. Good luck with the contest.
"Stop sniveling."
He snarled. (This should be on the same line, no space, and a comma after sniveling and lower case 'h' on he, example "Stop sniveling," he snarled.)
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
-
Wow thank you so much. I wish I could nominate you. I think I fixed it. Hopefully it looks right now!
Comment from Sanku
oH my! cannibals ! aren't they .This is really an effective dribble fiction. it sent shivers up my spine! Quite spine chilling .all the best for the contest .You are sure to do well.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
|
oH my! cannibals ! aren't they .This is really an effective dribble fiction. it sent shivers up my spine! Quite spine chilling .all the best for the contest .You are sure to do well.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2021
-
Thank you so much! That's great you liked it!
Comment from visionary1234
Ewwwww! this is totally NASTY! Perfect piece for celebrating Halloween! I have NO idea who these 'people' are, but the menacing undertone is clear. Slurrrrrp! To tell a 'story' in 50 words is challenging, but you've risen to the challenge! Well done!
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
 |
Ewwwww! this is totally NASTY! Perfect piece for celebrating Halloween! I have NO idea who these 'people' are, but the menacing undertone is clear. Slurrrrrp! To tell a 'story' in 50 words is challenging, but you've risen to the challenge! Well done!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
-
Thank you!! I love seeing your name as a reviewer. You taught me this genre btw. If you remember. I had no idea what it was.
Comment from Pantygynt
Spot on for word count at fifty words this ghastly story of murder an mayhem with cannibalism intended in the future is deeply shocking, but that is absolutely what is needed to win the contest. Pass the salt please, Tommy.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
|
Spot on for word count at fifty words this ghastly story of murder an mayhem with cannibalism intended in the future is deeply shocking, but that is absolutely what is needed to win the contest. Pass the salt please, Tommy.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
-
Haha! Thank you my friend! These things are tricky. I Love that you liked it man!
